Old Dipshit Magee is gonna plain tell folks how's good ol' folks goin' figger times 'bout proper we types need set up Mr. & Missus McPalin needin' not have a colored for preznit. Let's liveblog this fucking Gucci-clad Washington lobbyist millionaire fraud Hollywood suit.

9:13 PM -- We're at Liffey's Irish Pub right outside the convention gates, because we can't take the Xcel Center no more, too high-falutin' in there.

9:13 PM -- Ha ha, Fred Thompson is talking about Sarah Palin's "small town values," meaning she and her thousand kids all have each other's kids, out on the back porch, by the moose stand.

9:14 PM -- Oh hey people, did you hear John McCain was TORTURED??

9:15 PM -- It is kind of hilarious to remember this guy was the great hope of the Republican party, and then he got negative-zero votes, and plus he quit his teevee show from which he earned millions and millions every year, and now he's forced to be a K Street Lobbyist again, with his latest wife.

9:15 PM -- So funny, the way John McCain was always a royal fuckup, but luckily his father and grandfather were admirals, so he didn't get thrown out and was never forced to work, ever, in his life.

9:18 PM -- John McCain is a human time bomb. Everything he does results in crashes and fire.


9:23 PM -- Did you know it has been five-and-a-half years since Jim Newell turned 18 years old? Where was he when John McCain did heroics? Well, Jim was actually a sweet little Vietnamese child, who John McCain killed, with bombs dropped from a plane.

9:26 PM -- "I went to John McCain a lot," says Thompson, about when he started in the Senate. John McCain knew where ALL the hot young GOP gals could be found, for new wives.

9:28 PM -- Ha, Fred Thompson just accused Obama of doing fancy teevee acting for evil foreigners, sort of like Law & Order plays all the time in France, with FRENCH SUBTITLES OF GAYNESS.

9:30 PM -- Jesus, FOX News is just making shit up for the caption/summary as Thompson reads his speech. "THOMPSON: OBAMA MOST INEXPERIENCED LIBERAL NOMINEE IN WORLD HISTORY."

9:34 PM -- Soon as Thompson walks offstage, he goes back to his natural, Woody Allen voice. "How'd I do? I feel like I overprojected. I hate my mother. I'm such a fraud. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss."


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