Liveblogging Debate Night Pre-Show: What Do Dumb Anchors 'Predict'?

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That's WALNUTS! after downing his fifteen nightly Ambien. What a nut. But, he showed up for tonight's debate, and that's more than he was planning on yesterday! So give him credit HE WAS IN THE WAR FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JESUS. Anyway: tonight's debate is about race. No. Foreign policy... of race? we have four 40s for the night but still have some vague idea of what's going on at the moment. Let's watch, uh,MSNBC CNN or something, sure, and get drunker faster better before the "show" starts. We'll be having a new liveblog every half-hour tonight.


8:32 -- How totally freaked out are you by that Blingee? Ha ha suckaz. No just kidding PLEASE STAY.

8:33 -- We're doing CNN. MSNBC is just that Olbermann ranting about, uh, Bush or rape laws or killing waterfowl or whatever the Liberals whack off to these days.

8:35 -- WOOOLF. Oh hai Wolf. Oh he is "going" to Soledad O'Brien. Where is she? In a brown cave in Columbus, Ohio, Afganistan. They -- the "focus group" attendees each have wires attached to their arms so as to kill them for information about the 9/11 Wall Street Financial Crisis.

8:37 -- Soledad O'Brien shows them the special Buzzer Dildo they will each use. If you don't press yours, the person next to you will and you will die! CNN got the idea from the dead Joker, Heath Ledger, in the latest Star Wars anime movie.

8:39 -- If you have an HDTV, you can somehow test Bill Bennett's pulse or something. Does he have a brain tumor? Does Paul Begala have kidney stones. "This is only open to HD customers," Wolf says.

8:40 -- Wolf "goes" to John King on the Great Wall, which is just a Chinese ripped version of Microsoft Paint for Windows 3.0.1. "Ohio" is important. Everything about this Mississippi debate is about Ohio, according to CNN.

8:42 -- Ah, commercial. Let's do our favorite Wonkette Liveblogging Commercial Activity: copy-pasting a funny Kathryn Jean Lopez post from The Corner.

Obama Discriminates Against the Internet!! [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

I just got my Obama text message (how much do I regret signing up for the veep text?). I'm told to watch "on any of the major networks or cable."

K-Lo: the "Sarah Palin" of The Corner.

8:46 -- Let's "go" to Jeff Toobin, the teevee New Yorker lawyer. "I think the whole concept of expectations is bogus," Toobin says. And he criticizes the media! Everyone shouts at him. He will be in CNN Gitmo (Larry King's hobbit-filled handjobatorium) for the next few days, as punishment.

8:48 -- McCain is a "street fighter," sez CNN. How's that working out for him?

8:49 -- Wolf has breaking news! "Uh uh there's Michelle, uh, Obama, there she is on the uh, platform, the stage, uh uh uh, there she is, uh, walking, uh, sniff, uh there's our CNN, uh, reporter, internet writer, uh reporter, uh uh internet reporter uhhhh."

8:50 -- CNN has some random foreign gal, "Abby," looking and touching a 20-foot diameter screen of some Internet comment board. "You can see what they're thinking on the Internet." And we all know how edifying an experience that can be. Wolf: "Uh uh uh neat, uh, yeah."

8:52 -- HA HA, they made black Roland Martin of CNN go to the black caucus party. "You know how to talk to them, right?" was the producer's rationale.

8:54 -- Oh shit. CNN has taken its massive budget to crash in some rotting wood-paneled ass castle of Republican voters in Nevada or something. They are all 1,000 years old in floral shirts and weigh more than Earth. Can't wait to, what is it, "go" to them later for their opinions. "Why is George Jefferson debating Hero?"

8:58 -- Yay, Ted Kennedy isn't dead yet. Well that's enough for now. KEN LAYNE your bearded editor loser will liveblog the first half hour of the debate. GO THERE.

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