Liveblogging 'Entertainment Tonight' Or The Democratic Debate Or Whatever Is On CBS Right Now
Oh hi, have you voted in your state in the Democratic Primary? WE DID. We live in a Super Tuesday state, and we ... are talking to you from the future! Or we have early voting.
Anyway, we voted for one of them (it was Tulsi) and we don't want to tell you it (Tulsi) but you get one clue (definitely Tulsi) and it is that it is a person you are going to see on your TV screen tonight, because they qualified for the Democratic debate in Charleston.
UH OH TRICKED YOU, guess it ain't Tulsi.
And whaaaaaaat is this? CBS News actually decided to make a YOUTUBE LIVESTREAM of its debate, so you can watch it right here at Wonkette?
8:00: Oh shit, it's starting! Fuck! Gayle King is there! But not Oprah! Because Oprah doesn't even have a job at CBS!
8:04: First question: Bernie, you are a socialist or something. How is that better than a lliteral actual big pig racist dictator?
Bernie says "economy" is great for Michael Bloomberg over there with the billions of moneys.
Michael Bloomberg says Putin wants Trump and that's why Putin is supporting Bernie so Bernie will lose to Trump and Bernie like OH NO YOU DI'INT, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I WILL TELL VLADIMIR PUTIN HIS BUSINESS RIGHT NOW, FUCK PUTIN RIGHT IN HIS FACE.
Elizabeth Warren responds by saying Bernie is super great, but also Bernie sux and lemme tell you why I am better than Bernie, I HAVE A PLAN FOR HEALTHCARE, BERNIE'S MEDICARE FOR ALL IS A POST-IT!
8:08: PETE: Know what Russia wants? Chaos. Know what would be chaos? Bernie vs. Trump.
Tom Steyer cuts in to say ... meh, we don't fuckin' know, don't care.
Tom Steyer Actual Quote: "Donald Trump stinks!"
Now Joe Biden is talking about the true meaning of "progressive" and the horrific Charleston shooting and using it to attack Bernie on guns.
Well, this debate has certainly begun!
8:11: Bernie like OH Y'ALL COMIN' FOR ME TONIGHT? Y'ALL COMIN' FOR ME TONIGHT? I WONDER THE FUCK WHY.
8:13: Pete like OH YOU WANNA LIE ABOUT ME, BERNIE? Well lemme tell you something about my "billionaire supporters," hello, I am Pette Buttigieg, and if you are worth billions, I am going to raise your taxes. Also please donate to my campaign, but just the legal amount please.
Then Joe Biden got a question but our dinner got delivered and we had to go outside and we probably didn't miss much and now we wish we were still outside because Michael Bloomberg is talking.
8:16: BLOOMBERG: Stop and frisk was bad, I did it bad.
GAYLE KING: Attack him, Pete.
PETE: Oh hi, look at how all of us up here are white, lemme tell you we have all fucked it up.
BLOOMBERG: I have heard of white privilege before!
AMY KLOBUCHAR: All y'all fuckin' racists, hold on, let me throw my salad comb upon you.
8:18: GAYLE KING: Elizabeth Warren, you should do that thing to Michael Bloomberg that you did in Vegas, it was the best.
WARREN: Murderrrrrrrrr tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime! Hey y'all hear about that one time that Michael Bloomberg was funding my Republican opponent and I beat them shit out of them anyway?
Bloomberg says he has been doing job training for this job since 9/11. Which ... OK no.
8:21: WARREN: Oh, Michael Bloomberg is going to call my VERY GOOD COMMENTS a "sideshow"? Let us talk about sexism. Remember that time Michael Bloomberg told a pregnant employee to "kill it," and by that he meant 'bortion? I was a victim of pregnancy discrimination, but at least nobody ever said that to me!
Warren came to fight again!
8:25: NORAH O'DONNELL: Bernie, you got any math for all your big ice cream pony promises?
SANDERS: I CAN MATH THE REST OF THIS NIGHT!
O'DONNELL: We have two hours.
BIDEN: I want to talk for some of that.
KLOBUCHAR: Bernie ain't got no math.
8:27: TOM STEYER: My turn!
BERNIE: Not your turn!
PETE: Not your turn! We don't need two hours to do Bernie's math! My turn!
BERNIE: No my turn!
Wonder how Tulsi's imaginary debate with Hillary is going right now.
8:30: PETE: I can do Bernie's math, it is BERNIE + ELECTION = FOUR MORE YEARS OF DONALD TRUMP.
Pete is now talking about the importance of actually winning the Senate too, if ANYBODY up there wants to get anything done. It honestly sticks in our craw that he is pretty much the only one in the race who absolutely harps on that.
Joe Biden cuts in, because it is unfair that everybody else is an Interrupting Cow right now :(
8:32: Biden and Tom Steyer are fighting about Steyer's support for private prisons, and Steyer says he's fixed all his problems and Biden says Steyer is a TOMMY COME LATELY!
Also says Pete's thing about all the Democrats who took back the House would be cooler if they were supporting Pete for president, guess what they support JOE BIDEN.
Amy Klobuchar says it's time for peace, love, understanding, and for all the socialists on the stage to fuckin' SHUT YOUR TRAP!
8:35: Bloomberg says something about how deficits are THE PITS, and Bernie says hey Bloomberg, why don't you go take a bath with all your billionaire supporters in a golden bathtub, BILLIONAIRE!
8:42: Back from break. The next subject is GUNS, and Gayle King wants to know why anyone should think Joe Biden can do anything about guns. Biden says he can fix guns because he already fixed guns a whole buncha times. Anyway, he'd like to attack Bernie on guns some more, because maybe he forgot he already did that.
8:44: Oh good, Warren moves the conversation around to abolishing the filibuster, because ain't none of this shit gonna get done in the Senate unless we get over it and stop giving the NRA and the oil industry a veto. Joe Biden says DON'T MATTER, GONNA BEAT MITCH MCCONNELL TOO! Which ... there is no math that says Dems could win a filibuster-proof majority.
Anyway, Bernie gonna tell y'all about his bad votes and why they weren't actually that bad, and now EVERYYYYYYBODY IS INTERRUPTING AGAIN.
Michael Bloomberg is like actually this is my one good issue, let me talk about all my serious-ass work with Moms Demand Action and stuff like that.
Amy Klobuchar says this is why you have to have a midwesterner as president, because reasons, Amy Klobuchar says she wrote a bill to close the "boyfriend loophole," she wrote a bill to close the "Charleston loophole," Joe Biden says I WROTE THAT BILL! Amy K says NO YOU DIDN'T and anyway, in summary and inconclusion, Amy K says "Uncle Dick in the deer stand," the end.
Pete Buttigieg says, "a MIDWESTERNER in the White House, you say?????"
And on getting rid of the filibuster, Pete says "How you gonna get a Revolution if you don't even support a Rule Change?" (Bernie does not support abolishing the filibuster.)
YIKES, this debate. We cannot even keep up with their foofaraw and hullabaloo!
8:51: Tom Steyer is now yapping about congressional term limits. That is a thing we think HE is wrong about, unless you like having representatives who are bad at Congress because they're always #NewAtThis.
8:52: MODERATOR: Michael Bloomberg, you are in love with charter schools. Literally everybody up here thinks you are A Idiot for that. So we're just going to set them up to bone you right now.
BLOOMBERG: Charter schools are so great!
WARREN: I am going to have more fun getting rid of Betsy DeVos than I have beating Michael Bloomberg upon his face!
BERNIE: I am going to say my whole education platform right now.
PETE: My hubs is a teacher. I know what teachers like. I know what teachers want. I know what teachers like. Teachers like.
Teachers like me.
8:57: Question about housing! Amy Klobuchar says houses are good, and lots of stuff about houses are good. Elizabeth Warren cuts in (TO JOE BIDEN'S CHAGRIN) to say you have to talk about race if you're going to talk about housing, because have you heard Michael Bloomberg loooooooooooves redlining?
Warren seems to have decided she really doesn't care about beating the shit out of anybody besides Bloomberg.
8:59: Was that an attempt at Bloomberg trying to make a joke about how he did so good at the debate last week he's surprised the other "contestants" even showed up tonight, because he was so great?
Anyway, Bloomberg did some gay marriage in New York also, he would like you to know!
9:00: Joe Biden just said "homeboners" when he was trying to say "homeowners."
9:01: BIDEN: If everybody else is going to be Interrupting Cow, I am going to MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
9:03: MODERATOR: Amy Klobuchar, how will you get people healthcare if they live in Bumfuck where there is not a hospital?
KLOBUCHAR: Something about incentives and immigration reform and "one size does not fit all," and golly, these candidates finally seem to have settled down for a second.
Buttigieg giving his very normal and nice answer now, just like Klobuchar did.
WHO WANTS TO BE NICE NEXT?
Bernie says he did a really good thing with South Carolina's Own Jim Clyburn! in the ACA on community health centers, and Pete tried to cut in and Gayle King was like nah, wanna ask Bloomberg about trans fats and soda pop.
9:09: MODERATOR: Amy Klobuchar, Bernie wants to legalize pot weeds. Are you cool like him, or are you a cop?
KLOBS: Yeah I'm down.
9:11: GAYLE KING: I know who's a fuckin' nerd about this. Michael Bloomberg, what say you!
BLOOMBERG: We don't even know the science about pot weeds!
9:20: WARREN: How about some actual foreign policy, not fellating dictators?
BLOOMBERG: 911! 911! 911!
BUTTIGIEG: I'm a veteran, have I mentioned? But seriously, Donald Trump hates the military!
Oh hai! First mention of coronavirus?
9:25: KLOBUCHAR: Hey, America! You get that this coronavirus thing is FOR SERIOUS? And Trump ain't do shit about it?
BIDEN: Remember Ebola? I protected you from Ebola like a double-layer jimmie!
9:29: So we missed a few things because our computer made a weird, but we don't think we missed much besides people actually saying smart things about coronavirus unlike the dumbshit "stable genius" in the Oval Office. Also Joe Biden would like you to know that back in HIS day, people respected the time limits in debates!
Now Warren attacking Bloomberg for not releasing his taxes yet, and she's going to keep attacking for it until he does it.
8:33: Oh yeah, Michael Bloomberg said some really nice things about how the Chinese dictator isn't really a dictator, which led the moderator to ask Bernie why he loves commie dictators so much, and he is like ALL I SAID ABOUT CUBA IS THE SAME THING BARACK OBAMA SAID and I DON'T LOVE DICTATORS, YOU LOVE DICTATORS, and now Joe Biden is saying Barack Obama did not say the thing Bernie says Obama said, and Bernie says AUTHORITARIANS ARE BAD and this is what we are arguing about now.
Pete says all y'all fuckers idiots and now Pete and Bernie are talking over each other and nothing is being accomplished.
Amy Klobuchar would like to say she wrote the bill on Cuba and now she has the talking stick.'
9:38: MODERATOR: Joe Biden, will you beat the shit out of Russia for attacking our elections in 2016 and also right now?
BIDEN: YELL AT RUSSIA WHOLE BUNCHA TIMES! ALSO YELL AT TOM STEYER FOR SAYIN' SOMETHIN' DUMB!
STEYER: Where's the commander-in-chief? Up Russia's butt is where!
We guess nobody else gets to talk about this subject, because next question is why Bernie, who would be the first Jewish president, is so mean to AIPAC and would he move the US embassy back to Tel Aviv. Bernie says he would "take that into consideration" and says Bibi Netanyahu is a piece of shit and you can support Israel but not support Netanyahu and you can support Israel and also support Palestinians.
All of this is correct.
Bloomberg says nope, he's not moving the embassy back.
9:47: Long conversation about North Korea, and we kinda just sat back and watched it, but then it got funny when Joe Biden was YELLING ABOUT IT and then stopped when his time ran out, then was like "Wait, why did I just stop? Nobody else up here does," and people laughed.
Now a question from Twitter for Pete about the humanitarian crisis in Idlib, Syria, where people are being massacred, and what would you do to push back the Russians, etc. Pete answers is ably, then pivots to talking about why he thinks Bernie's Medicare For All plan sux, which is a strange pivot, but OK, sure, fine, you wanted to say that thing, Pete.
Moderator is like your turn, Elizabeth Warren! No, not the Medicare For All question, you gotta answer the Pete question, healthcare was like three hours ago.
Anyway, break! This shit is almost over, we think! Remember that if you love Wonkette's liveblogs, we are 100 percent funded by YOU, because no ads and no Michael Bloomberg moneys. Also liveblogs cost $100,000 to create, per hour. (Might need to check our math.)
Point is, please hit the buttons below to give us money.
9:55: And now they are back for final segment! The candidates are supposed to say 1) the biggest misconception about them and 2) what is your personal motto?
STEYER: Biggest misconception: I'M NOT JUST ABOUT BEING A BILLIONAIRE! Motto: Do the right thing. I write it on my hand!
KLOBS: Misconception: I AM NOT BORING! Motto: I copied it from Paul Wellstone!
9:57: BIDEN: Just gives a bunch of mottos, has to be reminded to do a misconception. Says he's gonna put a black woman on the Supreme Court, that is his motto. Also his mom had a motto. MISCONCEPTION: He "has more hair than he thinks he does."
SANDERS: Misconception: That his ideas are radical! Motto: It is a Nelson Mandela thing about everything being impossible until it happens.
WARREN: Misconception: Everybody thinks I don't eat! Motto: From Matthew 25, the verse about whatever you've done for the least of these, you've done for me. HAHA PETE, SHE BIBLED BEFORE YOU COULD!
PETE: Misconception: People don't think I'm passionate enough! Motto: MORE BIBLE VERSES THAN WARREN HAS.
BLOOMBERG: Misconception: That he is six feet tall. He isn't! Motto: Something he just made up on the spot, who even knows.
Good debate, everyone! It is over! Just kidding, it is not! They are going to ... go to break now? Even though it's supposed to be over?
Back in Joe Biden's day, debates ended ON TIME.
10:05: LOL OK, they went to commercial just to make some quick ad money so they could come back and say goodbye.
THE FUCKING END.
VOTE BLUE NO MATTER WHO.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.