Liveblogging George Bush Junior's Victory Lap To America


Ughh... people have asked for a drinking game for George W. Bush's farewell address, which this liveblog will "cover" (as in, "maybe watch.") Well here's your game. Drink. Drink constantly. Locate alcohol and imbibe as rapidly as possible. YOU MUST DRINK, IT IS GEORGE BUSH JUNIOR COMMANDING RESPECT. SAVE YOURSELF. DRINK SOME ALCOHOL YOU IDIOT. DRINK VINEGAR AT THE VERY LEAST.

7:59 -- The teevee schedule seems to think that this will only be 15 minutes long. Praise 800 Jesuses.

8:00 -- We're watching CNN with a nice gal you may have heard of, Campbell Brown. (This one time she ate our website for like a whole week.) She says that before Bush comes on, people must know about this plane that crashed in New York's river today. Note that if Rudy Giuliani had been mayor during this, the people in the plane would have surely died and, uh, Greece would be nuked tomorrow.

8:01 -- Here he is, in the Hall of Flags or something! The 50 people who care about him are there clapping. There is some crazy woman next to Cheney, who is not smiling.

8:02 -- We made the mistake of watching him on HD. Never do this. He looks... gritty. OMG he looks insaner as they zoom in.

8:03 -- He congratulates the Negroids and their children for taking over America.

8:04 -- Thanks Laura, who has given George a "wild card" for tonight's bedroom activities. Never again.

8:04 -- Thank thanks thanks, blah blah, now let's get to the motherfucking point...

8:04 -- 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11

8:05 -- Oh the crazy woman is actually the mother of a 9/11 victim or something. Um, she's cool?

8:05 -- We stuck it to the terrorists over there, not here, etc.

8:05 -- "There has been much debate" about the War on Terror, but "no one can question the results." O?

8:06 -- There have been no terrorist attacks since 9/11, because of War.

8:07 -- His neck looks like a turkey gizzard on HD. This is completely terrifying.

8:07 -- No free country will ever elect killers, or something, he says. Hmm...

8:08 -- Some chick had malaria and George Bush saved her.

8:08 -- Our public schools are great.

8:09 -- Our air, land and water "are cleaner." R432rmkfewklewr24#@$@#$@#

8:09 -- "I have experienced setbacks," like every other president. Interesting passive phrasing.

8:09 -- The point is, the terrorists are coming still so BACK OFF.

8:10 -- "It can be tempting to seek cover by turning inward." We must "reject isolationism" and its twin "protectionism." This leaves only one option, we may infer, called "imperialism." This is the everything of George W. Bush.

8:11 -- ... Does he have pink eye?

8:11 -- Here's a little diddly-o from Tommy Jefferson, who was presimuhdent 2,000 years ago: why dwell on the past? People should just chill.

8:12 -- Now he is introducing the 5-6 black people sitting in the front row. One of them built a charter school after Hurricane Katrina, shortly after realizing that he was on his own?

8:13 -- Another dude who likes him is going to Iraq and therefore can't be there, drag.

8:14 -- It has been his blessing and honor to rule America.

8:14 -- He is happy to be a citizen. PSST, George: it's not that great.

8:15 -- For the final time, "goodbye," he says. Yeah buh-bye, the end.

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Donald Trump held another great big slob picnic in Orlando, Florida, last night, where he "announced" the "start" of his 2020 campaign, which will be exactly like his 2016 campaign except for the minor detail that he's actually been in the White House since 2017, which is really a bummer, man. Still, it's no reason he can't run as an outsider who vows to protect everyday Americans who believe he's just like them. The rally was a mishmash of the same damn shit he's said a million times before, and the rubes loved almost every minute of it except for the boring parts when he talked about stuff he's supposedly achieved in office, because not even his supporters care about trade policy or tariffs. They want an enemy, and they want to be told they and Trump will destroy that enemy together because they are the real Americans. So that's what Trump gave them, again and again, a feast of fear and resentment designed to get them to the polls. It was enough in 2016, and Trump thinks it'll do the job in 2020.

If there was anything new in the speech -- which was mostly Trump reading from a teleprompter, plus the expected weirdass asides -- nobody has identified it. He complained about the press and the crowd chanted "CNN sucks," and he explained what a threat to the nation Hillary Clinton is -- in fact, he mentioned her eight times during the 80-minute rant.

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