Liveblogging Mark Sanford's Confession Of Molesting Alien Rats In Some Fancy Mexico


Mark Sanford's going to talk to the media, RIGHT NOW. We are watching MSNBC, which is most likely to cover it -- it is hard to get a camera inside South Carolina -- due to its liberal politics. Make your bets NOW about possible sex affairs/love children, closest-without-going-over gets a chocolate dildo...

SUMMARY: If you missed the hot live action, he admitted to having a hot sex affair with a hot babe in Argentina, for a year, and then he apologized to millions of people and Gods.

2:05 -- That state Sen. Knotts guy was talking on MSNBC, and state Sen. Knotts does not miss many meals. Every feature on his body is spherical. Maybe he ate Mark Sanford and that's where he was?

2:08 -- Ou es tu, Sanford? We have to get back to aggregating Iranian Twitter feeds. His appearance might be delayed, they say! Suppose this is what we get for caring about local politics in some slave state.

2:10 -- The babe editor of Hotline is telling us that John Ensign had an affair last week, and now Mark Sanford is uhh involved in some problem, so the Republicans could be in trouble!

2:14 -- MSNBC has CUT AWAY FROM COVERAGE because Mark Sanford is just that late. Now there is a commercial break. We are watching a commercial with a lizard selling car insurance.

2:17 -- Some greaseball is talking about the economy now. Doesn't MSNBC know that Americans stopped caring about this as a news story a month or two ago?

2:20 -- He still isn't out. No one will tell us when this is happening. Perhaps he is in Bermuda with the terrorists.

*****2:24***** HERE HE IS HE IS TALKING and seems confused.

2:24 -- He is talking about his history with the Appalachian Trail. He used to take people's money, when he was younger, and then send them to the Appalachian Trail. These were called "Adventure Trips."

2:25 -- "Adventure Trips" help you escape the bubble. BUT THE WIFE MUST NOT KNOW!

2:25 -- What he said this morning "was not the whole story." Here we go!

2:26 -- He's apologizing to his wife and his four children "for letting them down."

2:26 -- "This is the first step in what will be a very long process on that front." WHAT IS THE FRONT.

2:27 -- Apologizing to his staff. He invented a "fictional" account of where he was going, and told his staff this. He apologizes to South Carolina. He apologizes to some hobo who was living in his basement during his first governor campaign. "We called it Jurassic Park." Hey Mark, who did you fuck?

2:29 -- Man, he is breaking down. Now he is giving his philosophical take on God's Law, and his conception of sin. He is a person of Faith. Who did you have sex with, Mark?

2:31 -- AHA: He developed a relationship WITH A WOMAN IN ARGENTINA over the last year.

2:31 -- Ha ha ha, when he finally said what happened, a lady in the background gave a rather brutal "WTF?" head turn.

2:32 -- Stop asking for forgiveness and babbling about your God. Liz Becton would not approve.

2:33 -- He's resigning as chair of the Republican Governors Association.

2:34 -- QUESTIONS.

2:34 -- Someone asks if he is separated from his wife. "She is there, I am here, so I guess." Jesus.

2:35 -- He and his wife have been "dealing with this" for the past five or so months. He is in some sort of AA for cheaters? Or just regular therapy.

2:36 -- He's discussing his relationship with his Argentinian sex lady, and how he and she had a very earnest conversation about how they should each stop cheating on their spouses.

2:37 -- Pretty sure he just pulled out the old, "If it's in different continents, then it doesn't count."

2:37 -- They were friends for eight years. "Then a year ago things sparked into something else. I have seen her three times since the sparkin' thing."

2:38 -- "I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina."

2:39 -- Why does he keep talking about what he did to some guy named Tom Davis, who slept in Jurassic Park in his basement? Tom doesn't give a shit. Guy Code.

2:40 -- Did he lie to his staff that he was going to the Appalachian Trail? No, he only told him he "might go to the Appalachian Trail" last Thursday, which was true, hypothetically.

2:41 -- OVER. Well, nothin' much, just secretly flying down to Argentina every now and then to sex up a sexy lady. Sounds like a good deal! Why stop?

2:43 -- One more thing: John McCain used to do this in the 1950s.

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'Bella" by Wonkette Operative 'IdiokraticSubpoenaKommissar'

Sunday already, which means a substantial portion of US America is preparing to be astonished/heartbroken/outraged by the series finale of that show with the dragons, while another portion is just going to stay off Twitter for three days because nothing will make any sense. Yr Dok Zoom tends to come very late to trendy things, so get ready for our own thoughts on the gamy thrones show sometime in about 2023, or never. But we'd be glad to tell you just how much we enjoy the brilliance and humanity of the Cartoon Network series "Steven Universe," which debuted in 2013 and we started bingeing on the Hulu last month, late again.

Hell, we still want to talk about that one Mrs Landingham episode of "The West Wing," which we first watched years after it aired (We finally bought our new used car yesterday, and know one thing: don't drive over to the White House to show it off to President Bartlet). We might even get around to reading Infinite Jest someday. We hear it has something to do with a superhero team and a guy named Thanos. So hey, let's talk about culture and missing out and patching together some knowledge of what's happening anyway.

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Get Me Roger Stone

Roger Stone, his wife would like you to know, is broke. And he is not dealing with it well. Once in khaki suits, gee, he looked swell, full of that yankee-doodle-dee-dum, but now no one calls him Al anymore and he has to stand on a street corner singing "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?"

Yesterday, the conservative but also kind of Never Trumper site The Bulwark revealed the details of a grifty "fundraising" plea sent out by Stone's wife Nydia, begging supporters to give money to the Stones in order to help them keep up the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.

It was titled "I am embarrassed to write this."

"Dear Friend," begins the missive. "My husband and I have an urgent new problem and we need your help. I told my husband I was going to write you, one of his most valued supporters. I am embarrassed to write this, but I must."

"Mrs. Roger Stone" tells a tale of woe: FBI agents swooping in on them at the crack of dawn to arrest her husband, a subsequent "fake news" feeding frenzy causing friends and fans to abandon the Stones.

"He laid off all our consultants, contractors and employees, and we have 'pulled in our belts' like so many Americans in 'tight times,'" she wrote, sounding for all the world like a plucky working-class patriot, not the wife of a man who made and lost his fortune lying in the service of power.

She should have been more embarrassed.

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