Barack Obama is down in Louisiana near the abandoned beaches and marshes soaked in oil and murder. He has a little podium set up near some rocks, protecting him from the oil and mud and dead animals and unemployment. Let's see what he has to say, if he ever talks! We hear that he's going to throw some money at gulf coast people. Hooray!

3:00 -- OBAMA'S COMING OUT. It looks so hot out there. Oh good god, he has Charlie Crist on one side, David Vitter on the other. Is it possible for Obama to get out of this situation without a brutal gangbang?

3:00 -- Admiral Thad Allen has told him about the progress of OPERATION TOP KILL. The plug is doing "okay." Regrettably, an entire coastal economy has been destroyed for generations. A local mayor just told Obama a story about how no one can pay a mortgage or for food. And then the oil spill happened!

3:01 -- Ha ha Vitter moved out of the picture, can't be seen with the black during primary season.

3:02 -- Obama says he has unleashed millions of boats and shit to stop the oil from gettin' all up in everyone's business. He has also told Adm. Allen that he will get whatever he needs -- HANDOUTS -- to fix this awful situation. Welfare queen.

3:03 -- Oooh, did you know that Energy Sec. Chu has won the Nobel Prize??? Oh, right, you did, because the administration won't shut up about it. Can Steven Chu plug the oil hole with his fucking Norwegian Medal? That and a few golf balls and... well, maybe?

3:03 -- The White House and SBA will try to help provide liquidity to people down there holding loans. Just go on the Internet and type in "dscc.org/donate" and it will take you to the, uhh, small business loan thing for Louisianans, yeah...

3:04 -- There is a terrorist seagull who won't shut up. Racist.

3:05 -- Obama says THE BUCK STOPS WITH ME, I AM PRESIDENT. He is Taking Ownership, a phrase pundits like to use for nothing in particular.

3:06 -- Seriously someone needs to pour some oil on that seagull. Throw some orange crude right up at that actual flying fuck's wings, sell it to rednecks, don't ask any questions.

3:07 -- Obama is trying so many things, to stop this. Everything. EVERYTHING. Why can't he just *fix* it though? the pundits will ask.

3:09 -- Obama knows that people on the Gulf Coast have been through their Fair Share of death and constant destruction. He promises to "be there" whenever the cameras leave. The rednecks will not be happy to hear this.

3:10 -- Ha ha Haley Barbour didn't show up, because he's not a SOCIALIST. Jindal, Vitter, whoever is the governor of Alabama -- all socialists.

3:11 -- Well that's over. Chuck Todd (who got a free vacation for this!) says that the presser was delayed 90 minutes because everyone was spending time venting, unloading their problems at the president. Man, these "state's rights" people are something else. Oh look there's Obama playing on the beach! The end.