Liveblogging Obama's Latest Teevee Show, Part 1

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Hey Obama's gonna be on the teevee in a few minutes to readDas Kapital from his TELLYPROMTARRS, all 40 of them. We're commemorating this occasion with some classic racist Internet art from the campaign. What a schmuck, this guy! We're watching CNN analyze the "goals" with this conference, and it's already paralyzing. First thing we hear are the words "sell the American people." Who cares about the American people? They voted already. Anyway...


7:57 -- John King is talking about 2010, of course. "The Democrats remember what happened in 1994 -- they got crushed." How can someone even think about elections when EARTH IS DYING? John King, he sucks. Even Bill Bennett is better.

7:58 -- Unfortunately Sara, "the good Wonkette writer," is at a nerdy literature club tonight trying to leverage her Harvard degrees into a crack rock. So it'll just be your two male editors writing bilious nonsense about the End Times.

8:00 -- Oh hey it's OBAMA! And just as we were falling in love with CNN's Ed Henry.

8:01 -- Obama says he wants to talk to YOU, the American, and he is looking straight into the camera. He has moved the tellerpromptererr!

8:02 -- Brags about how he cut taxes for the Poors and then bought their houses and then bought up their consumer loans. (Is there a form you have to fill out for these things, btw? E-mail me.)

8:03 -- My budget gives more money to the educations, health cares, infrastructure, and gay abortions.

8:04 -- OMG the CNN camera just showed the new Telepromptir! It's all classic like, no one-way glass. And yet he's stuttering a little bit. He's stuttering because of the NEW TELEPROMTOR! THIS GUY!

8:05 -- We'll get out of this mess, he says. We just can't go running around like a bunch of whining assholes, taxin' fat cats in every alley.

8:06 -- FIRST QUESTION, NATCH: It's the AP lady. (Ron Fournier in a rubber disguise.)

8:07 -- Secret Ron Fournier asks why we have another one of these damn trillion-dollar programs, since we've already had a couple. God, do these FRONT ROW REPORTERS ever do any research?

8:08 -- She also wants to know why the public "should support" more power for the Treasury to seize financial institutions. How about this, Secret Ron Fournier: because you have no choice and would probably just screw up everything if you did.

8:10 -- SECOND QUESTION, CHUCK TODD of NBC! He wants to know why the taxpayer should be asked to participate in cushioning the blow banks are facing. AGAIN: read the 8:08 update.

8:11 -- CNN actually tells us that the question is, "Why haven't you asked for sacrifice from the public?" What? We never said we listened to these things.

8:12 -- He just talks about his overall economic growth plans in the budget for a few minutes. Vague. Subsidies.

8:13 -- Chuck Todd has a follow-up along the lines of "COME AGAIN?"

8:14 -- Obama says, CHUCK, LOOK, obviously the American people are sacrificing enough by getting fired and having no equity. Do you want them to plants redwoods or something?

8:15 -- THIRD QUESTION, JAKE "THE LAKE" TAPPER of ABC: He wants to know if Obama would sign a budget without middle class tax cuts or cap-and-trade. Obama says, we'll see, but yeah, sure, tax stuff's already in there more or less. Exciting presser!

8:16 -- Re: cap-and-trade, Obama outlines his very broad philosophical reason for having cap-and-trade in the budget.

8:18 -- Jake "The Opaque"'s getting snappy and barks some follow-up. Obama tells him we'll see when the budget gets printed out, K?

8:19 -- FOURTH QUESTION, CHIP "THA CHENEY FUCKA" REID of CBS: This guy is such a tool. He asks something like, aren't you lying, "Mr. President," by saying it's bad to pass on deficits to Our Children, and then IN FACT passing those deficits onto Our Children?

8:21 -- Obama says it's a long-term structural plan, which, again, Chip could have just Google-Newsed before showing up for his front row seat on primetime television. Will anyone ever ask about currencies or long-term interest rates or something that actually matters, rather than just, "This is a lot of money, what will the children think?"

8:22 -- (Little does Chip Reid know, the Tela-Prompteur is on his forehead! That's why Obama is talking literally forever.)

8:23 -- FIFTH QUESTION, A MEXICAN LADY FROM MEXICO! Well, Ken will start from here. Thanks for showing up! Now go to Ken's liveblog and give him hell.

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