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Liveblogging Ohio, 'Mother of Presidents'

This president is William Howard Taft, one of Ohio's eight presidents and the fattest of them all. Extremely, extremely fat man. Will Mark "Bowser" Penn's strategy of doing nothing positive for Hillary Clinton give her the state? Usually she loses states, but let's find out.

7:30 -- TOO CLOSE TO CALL in OHIO says KEITH OLBERMANN. Don't, stop, thinkin' about tomorrow...


7:32 -- Chris Matthews is saying that Hillary continuing to compete is destroying the party. Pennsylvania, you see, is a "beefeater" state where Barry and Hillary will spend seven weeks "blasting each other." Now he is going to go "masturbate."

7:33 -- He also is in favor of free trade. What does he think about abortions -- like, aborting him?

7:34 -- He "passes a hot potato" to Howard Fineman, who is kind of adorable. He always starts with, "I just got off the phone with advisers close to [important person], and here's what they're planning to do." THAT is a sell. Love Howard Fineman.

7:37 -- Chris Matthews: WHY IS HILLARY, HILLARY... WHY IS HILLARY CLINTON HURTING RAINBOW BARRY HAPPINESS?

7:38 -- Howard Fineman LOSES IT and calls Clinton "Nixonian." LOVE Howard Fineman.

7:40 -- Old Man Brokaw spanks Matthews' obvious bias against Pennsylvanian Beefeaters. Fineman is better than Brokaw, though.

7:42 -- Commercial. I don't have any scotch, but I am going to go make a scotch.

7:44 -- Because of an ice storm, Ohio Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will keep polls in "Sandusky, Ohio" open until 9 p.m ET. We hope they revoke NAFTA in the next Congress, except for every blue collar worker in Sandusky, Ohio.

7:46 -- Norah O'Donnell says something pretty. Hillary won some bloc, Barack won some bloc... Norah won my heart.

7:48 -- BREAKING NEWS FROM TIM RUSSERT: Hillary is dominating among white women over 60, according to exit polls! Will she denounce the war in Iraq? Barack must say he hates anti-Semitism now.

7:51 -- You know what was set in Sandusky, Ohio, and was about closed factories, and features a fat, fat actor? Tommy Boy, of course, starring Chris Farley and David Spade, who are both dead now. This is dedicated to Ohio, Mark Penn, and boredom:

7:55 -- Here is our usual MSNBC election night panel: the Washington Post's Eugene Robinson (pro-Obama, but can't be too pro -- people would say he's just that way because he's black); Rachel Maddow (super pro-Obama Air America host, has a Ph.D. and may be a lesbian, textbook "limousine liberal"); Pat Buchanan (ex-Republican candidate, will argue that every positive aspect for Obama is actually part of Bill Clinton's secretly plan to somehow win his third term, because he doesn't want to face Obama); and Joe Scarborough (hates Hillary, might be fun to have a beer with, until the third beer when he starts punching ladies). Hooray!

7:56 -- Ooh, President Rutherford B. Hayes was ALSO from Chris Farley's house in Sandusky, Ohio.

8:00 -- RON PAUL HAS 14 DELEGATES. Wait, isn't he having some election against that neocon we love? We love that neocon who is Ron Paul's enemy.

8:02 -- Matthews: everyone in Ohio is losing their jobs, where they... construct things. NOW HOW ABOUT THAT CMON?

8:06 -- John McCain. Who cares? John McCain will not win the general. They'll figure out the Democratic nominee by June, at the latest, and then there will be five more months for people to get over their infighting gripes. Stop worrying about John McCain and how the Texas primary affects his chances.

8:10 -- That's enough for now. They will declare President Benjamin Harrison the president of Ohio soon, and Ken will start a liveblog for it (GO HERE PEOPLE). Until then, here is some YouTube video to watch. I searched "ohio movie" in YouTube, and this -- "Buffalo vs. Ohio Movie!!!" -- was the first result. It is about football and U2. It is the best Ohio movie since Indiana Jones:

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