Liveblogging President Obama's Dramatic Confrontation With Ancient Libertarian Medicare Beneficiaries, In New Hampshire


Yay is everybody ready for the most rip-roaring good time ever at a town hall since a mob of outraged yokels stole George Washington's wooden teeth and chased him off the premises clad only in his skivvies and the 18th-century version of a women's brassiere (two monkey skulls held together with catgut andlignum vitae)? That's what happens when you mess with New Hampshire, the forgotten Appalachia of the American Northeast.

Just watch, this town hall will be utterly dull and free of violence. That would be a terrible waste of time.

1:03 PM: President Obama is a latey latesky laggard, as usual. Meanwhile, the crowd sits attentively. UNACCEPTABLE. Where are the rotten vegetables, the heaps of poo? Oh wait now they are standing, as if somebody "important" is arriving (for them to fling poo at).

1:05 PM: SHUT UP ED RENDELL. Here comes the preznet! They found some black people in New Hampshire for President Obama to shake hands with.

1:06 PM: "It's great to be back in New Hampshire, where Hillary Clinton cried and then kicked my ass a year and a half ago."

1:10 PM: Oh hell the cable just FROZE while Obama explained the entire history of the economy. It was probably boring, though, right?

1:13 PM: He has really gone populist here, railing against the insurance companies and the Wall Street Bankers and the Wealthiest Few. Which probably works in NH, where everybody (except David Souter) is poor.

1:15 PM: Yaaah fuckyou insurance companies!

1:15 PM: Nervous laughter about "rumors."

1:18 PM: Ha ha, cute bit about dermatology.

1:19 PM: Goddammit nothing but polite-to-enthusiastic applause at this thing. How can we allow this person to talk into a microphone when he did not produce a laminated long-form birth certificate at the entrance of the Portsmouth High School Gymnasium? How can we be certain this speaking humanoid form is even Barry "Sorento" Obama II, and not some Soviet spy sent from Canadia to socialize our healthcare?

1:21 PM: "Wild misrepresentations." Yep, this is definitely a robot.

1:25 PM: The wind-up sounds like all of his old campaign speeches: change isn't easy, now is the time, etc. Jesus, now they're chanting "Yes we can." Thank you, band!

1:27 PM: Peter Schmidt, evil twin of Hank Paulson, asks: why bother with this bipartisan crap if the Republicans won't play ball?

1:31 PM: Stupid president keeps turning his back to the cameraman. Doesn't he know he's on television?

1:32 PM: Grassley, Ezni, Snowe: These are the only Republicans who will be spared the Death Panel. In conclusion, yes, fuck bipartisanship.

1:33 PM: "I saw a lot of signs outside saying mean things about reform and healthcare. How do kids know what's true?" Aww KYOOOT. Obama clarifies: The Death Panels are only for Republicans who carry mean signs.

1:36 PM: The sign language translators are just fascinating. So expressive! They really talk with their hands, like Italians.

1:37 PM: Thank you Mr. President for pointing out that insurance companies ration healthcare ALREADY. Ah but sneaky: In the future, healthcare will not be rationed by insurance companies, it will be rationed by "experts."

1:39 PM: LIPITAW. This man wants his LIPITAW. Why can't he have it? The sign language lady is going nuts, spelling out "Lipitor" every time.

1:43 PM: Don't worry, purple lady, your Medicare will be fine.

1:45 PM: Prescription drugs. Everybody is on so many pills. Looming donut hole. Cut the whole in half.

1:46 PM: Cheerful Republican from Maine/Florida! Very cute. "Do you still, as yourself now, support a universal plan?" Answer: Universal is not a single payer plan. (Single payer would be so awesome, but it would be "too disruptive," on account of our dumb history of employer-based health insurance, so universal healthcare would be nice for, you know, everybody.)

1:48 PM: Man, last August 11 we were talking about, let's see, John McCain plagiarizing common proper nouns, which was way more fun than this bullshit. Health care is for old people, the end.

1:51 PM: Another lady in lavender. OBAMA IS BIAS. Aw, the nice lady asked about mental health care! How wonderful that somebody in this gathering cares about people's brains. Obama doesn't, though, he's just like "Yeah feelings are important" and moves on.

1:54 PM: An extra from Gossip Girl asks about "the future" and skyrocketing inflation.

1:56 PM: Meh. People are looking bored. Levi Johnston asked a boring question. Now President Obama will have his wooden teeth stolen and he will be doused in poop...

1:58 PM: Obama wants a CHALLENGE from the DOUBTERS. So he takes one from a lady with steely gray hair and lots of necklaces, a "paraprofessional." Where will all the doctors and nurses come from to treat to the 46 million uninsured people who will suddenly have health insurance under his plan?

2:03 PM: Regarding the Death Panels. They will help guide how "the delivery system works," meaning "how many old people to exterminate, and in what manner."

2:08 PM: Enough of this. Everybody go eat a couple Lipitor, get a foot amputated, and give your sign language interpreter a big wet kiss.


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