Liveblogging The Exciting Interim Between Kentucky And Oregon Returns!
Hello peoples are you ready for an address from Barack Obama, the man who lost Kentucky by a million percent tonight? Are you ready to watch him declare victorious victory in Oregon safe from his mountain perch in Iowa? Well, you have to wait another 90 minutes because God is Cruel. Stay with us and comment your crazy faces off while we look at the dumb television and feel despair in our hearts.
9:05 PM -- Russert, Olbermann... oh hey who won American Idol? Wait whoops that is a TWO NIGHT season finale, nevermind. Let's see, what else is on. Horrible crap. Fine, back to MSNBC.
9:10 PM --Claire McCaskill. She has an Elizabeth Edwardsian look to her. You know what is hard? Typing while an Airedale tries to lick your left hand.
9:15 PM -- Over to CNN and John King's magical maps. He is touching the magical map and drawing lines on it and flipping states from red to blue, a la Hillary Clinton. Now for Obama: he'll get VA, GA, CO, NM, IA... basically any way you slice it the Democrat wins. OMG BREAKING NEWS: Obama wins 2 more delegates in Kentucky, so now he has the majority of pledged delegates, he is the President of Pledged Delegates.
9:24 PM -- Hello Chris Dodd and your fabulous mane of hair! What do you think of your Northeastern pal, the guy who also has hair? You know, Ted Kennedy? "He's a fighter," Dodd says. WELL WE HAVE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF FIGHTERS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. "I'd be disturbed if I were that tumor. That tumor's in deep trouble." Gaah.
9:29 PM -- Dodd: She has every right in the world to continue, and I firmly believe that at the end of her completely futile endeavor she will fall in line. Toobin: We're always accusing the Clinton people of coming up with crazy categories, and now we are coming up with crazy categories too, like pledged delegates! Gergen: Are you, uh, on crack? It is no longer mathematically even POSSIBLE for her to pass him. "There are not many metrics left," he says. Toobin: I have to go wash my hair.
9:35 PM -- Ooh here is a delightful communication from a banned commenter: "Really? You disabled my comments? I guess I'll never be a member of the Wonkette crew. Maybe I'm not a snarky enough hate-filled asshole: 'Oh man, lemme tell you 'PAULTARDS!' Right!? Jesus, what a bunch of idiots, I can't tell you how much I hate them, GOD! SO DUMB!' Well, that's not true, I am hate filled- but I only hate assholes. Like Wonkette, and your annoying mud-slinging ilk who are completely devoid of substance. Eat shit you guys, Fo' realz."
9:38 PM -- You know what we would ban, if we were moderating the cable news shows? People saying "toe to toe." We would also ban Paul Begala. He just came up with some dumb fake Texas mosquito colony comparison that everybody chuckled nervously at.
9:44 PM -- Let us examine Obama's Kentucky spanking a little closer. See that big pie, and how it is light blue? It means that Kentucky is not Sexist. Suzanne Malveaux, beaming in from Iowa: "Do you see how I am outside, in Iowa? Iowans only emerge from their snow-huts for a few precious weeks per year, and this is one of them. They heart Obama." She looks like she's lost weight. Hollow-cheeked. She is slowly turning into Nancy Reagan, with her red jacket. Weird constant drumming sounds, or is that the wind on her microphone? Horrible sounds, screaming, mayhem. Uh, hooray Obama?
9:52 PM -- Andrea Mitchell has bad news. Hamilton Jordan, former White House Chief of Staff, has died. He had quite a few illnesses over the years, and fought valiantly. Man, Andrea looks truly sad. Ditto Matthews.
9:55 PM -- But enough about all that! Let's talk about the Constant Existential Death-Struggle within the Democratic party between the idealists and the douchebags. Ooh Obama sent out A EMAIL that has NUMBERS in it, and now we go to a commercial, again.
9:59 PM -- Fine, CNN, we will look at you again. Donna Brazile is saying something about a president being younger than she is, so we can rest assured she isn't talking about McCain. No mention of Hamilton Jordan among these ingrates/philistines. Anderson Cooper suggesting a "shellacking" in Kentucky.
10:05 PM -- Leslie Sanchez: "build her case," blah blah blah. Let's ban "building the case" along with "toe to toe". And you commenters, you are on watch for "totes."
10:06 PM -- Alex Castellanos looks like he is wearing a fake mustache on top of his fake face. Hillary Clinton can be "tough as trigonometry sometimes," he says. Obama is tough as calculus, though, so Elitism wins again. OMG here comes Barack Obama!!! He will say Things! Read all about it in yet another liveblog, here.