Liveblogging the First Democratic Debate Until the Liquor Runs Out
Hey everybody, it's a debate! Let's live-blog this bitch.
* It's a miracle, Tom Brokaw's alive!
* Wait, he ... jesus, never mind. Sorry, memory of Peter Jennings.
* Oh, awesome, it's sponsored by the AARP, so nothing but AARP commercials, because only old people vote, as always.
* Chris Matthews flatters himself by claiming "several million people" are watching this dumb thing. That Is Not True, we're pretty sure. In fact, we totally forgot about the debate until just now and nearly missed the live-blogging opportunities!
* Oh no, not Olbermann. Come on. Yeah, it's the Lincoln-Douglas Debates all over again. And Keith should know, because he had to go back in time to get his pretentiousness.
* Our panel: Bill Richardson, Chris Dodd, John Edwards, Joe Biden, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Dennis Kucinich and ... who?
* Meet your host, Brian "Orangey" Williams. Oh, and there's going to be a "lightning round."
* No prizes, but there are millions of pointless rules.
* Audience not allowed to cheer.
* Candidates not allowed to thank anybody for anything, also not allowed to mention "Jesus."
* Here's a fun experiment: Don't look at the teevee when Hillary talks.
* Biden: "This is not a game show." Really, Biden? Really? Is the graphic image in this post totally lost on you?
So much more inside. After the jump, you'll find a thousand bullet points of light.
* Barry Hussein: Not so slick! Interesting. Charisma sorta drains away when he's answering a question. Not that Brian exactly through a bomb at him.
* Here's a fun experiment: Turn off the sound when Edwards speaks. Jesus, man, four years of sitting around and you didn't work on that voice? You sound like a muppet version of Al Gore.
* It's really amazing that Bill Richardson isn't a frontrunner. Is it just America's deep hatred for half-Mexicans? His voice doesn't grate, he doesn't sound like a scripted liar like Hillary, he's not as drunk as Biden and he doesn't speak in political bullshit cliche. It's weird, isn't it?
* Dodd ain't going to be president of the local Lions Club.
* Ohhhhh, so the mystery guest is actually former somebody from Alaska. And it's not pronounced "Gravel" like gravel, the little rocks, but Gravel. Also, he's an angry fucking crazy old nut who belongs in a home.
* HEY BARRY, NO THANKING ANYBODY. IF YOU CAN'T FOLLOW THE RULES MAYBE GO HOME.
* Also, Barry, no coke before the debates. Jesus, man, you're talking 110 nervous words a minute. This is not a rave.
* Hillary switched voices again. This is kind of her normal voice. Also, she called Obama "Barack." That's kind of dismissive.
* Oooh, tough question for Cokey. Ha ha, he denoucned a donor for engaging in "ethical behavior." Now he's just listing legislation with his name on it. If this is the first real look the primary voters are getting of Barry ....
* Ha ha, Shiny-head Edwards has to talk about his $4,000 haircuts. His reply? More fucking stories about his poor childhood. Not listening, haircare!
* BREAKING: JOHN EDWARDS WILL LOWER RESTAURANT PRICES! Vote for Shiny-hair and a Cobb Salad will be like a dollar less. Onion Rings? Maybe 35 cents less.
* Hey Hillary, you know what? Not such a great country, actually. Pretty tragic numbers no matter how you measure it -- education, health care, innovation, manufacturing, obesity. So, uh, quit talking about that.
* Wait, Richardson hates Mexicans, too? We missed something. ALEX DID YOU HEAR THAT? ARE YOU BACK FROM THE LIQUOR STORE?
* Ooooh, Richardson just swiped at "blow-dried candidates."
* Dodd is just a tool of Big Nutmeg.
* All the Dodds are on the public teat. He is proud of it.
* Kucinich: After tonight, Kucinich Fever will sweep the nation. Even though, tragically, this debate "is not American Idol.
* Orangey just asked Biden if he could maybe control his
drinking mouth if he was prez. Biden answers "Yeah" and says nothing else, getting maybe the only laugh of this whole debate.
* Yikes, Gravel just got a laugh, but not a fun kind. He's actually scary. Now he's basically telling everybody up there to get fucked. Wow.
* Hey, Gravel, you are kind of preaching to the crowd over here at Wonkette, but maybe lay off Barry's coke supply right before the debates, okay? Thanks bro.
* Biden can't remember all the Supreme Court justices he personally defeated.
* What was that movie with Walter Matthau and somebody else, Grouchy Old Men? Gravel and Dodd would be good in a remake of that.
* Hey, Alex is back and he's starting a new liveblogging post. I am going to drink and watch for a while and then go help the guys from the Rest Home get Gravel back in the van.
* Bill Richardson supports legislation to keep Mike Gravel from owning a gun.
* JESUS, they're ALL ARMED. Okay, not all. Everybody but the ladies ... and who else, Barry? That's good, because blow and guns do not go together.
* Okay, I'm back just to mock Brian Williams for the "final category" business.
* And the category is, "Things that