Election 2020 Running GIF by Joe Biden

Good evening, Wonkette will be your emcees for what will surely be an evening of Joe Biden speaking to Congress and also America.

As for our headline, you heard us, and you get the joke. Do not pretend you do not get the joke. Do not tweet us like "Um, LITERALLY? That is not even true, Wonkette." We will not respond.

If you want to read something about what to expect tonight, we wrote that for you earlier.

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And if you'd like to also watch the speech instead of merely reading our caustic dick jokes, please press play on the video below.

8:40: Here is your first look at two women behind the podium.

Biden should start his speech with a very solemn "America? We got him." and then show everybody a picture of Rudy Giuliani. That would be a funny way to start his speech.

8:45: Yikes, John Kennedy, stop being SO 'CITED!

Here are some better people:

8:45: And here is your empty Congress. It looks kinda the way it does when they're voting or something, but like in this case they turned down the lights to make voting sexxxy again.

8:55: And now Doug Emhoff has taken his seat and unbuttoned his suit buttons, like you do.

And the First Lady:

Hey, hopefully with this weird COVID shit with only like five people there we can get through this faster because there won't be 50-minute applauses!

9:05: And heeeeeere weeee goooooooo!

OK, Joe Bing Bong, let's make it snappy.

9:07: Big cheer when Biden said "Madam Vice President." He said no president has ever said that before from that podium, and it's "about time."

9:10: BIDEN: 100 days ago America was a burning garbage fire shitshow with herpes. And now it is somewhat better than that!

9:11: Republicans will not clap for 220 million vaccine shots in 100 days.

Do they not realize how much 5G that is?


9:12: Biden notes that 70 percent of seniors are now fully vaccinated. That's basically herd immunity, if olds only ever talked to other olds.

9:15: Biden says what we've done on COVID is one of the greatest things ever, and then pivots to a list of other shit he's done. That's why it's weird not to call this a State of the Union address. Dude has done more in 99 days than Trump did his entire presidency.

9:18: BIDEN: We're cutting child poverty in half! (Even some Republicans clapped for that one.) The economy has created over one gabillion new jobs! (No Republicans clapped for that one, that we saw.) Our economy is growing faster than Donald Trump's nose at a deposition, allegedly! (Biden did not make that joke, but he coulda if he wanted.)

9:20: Mitch McConnell is not enjoying this dystopian vision Biden is laying out of elected officials who go to work to do things to help the American people.

9:22: Joe Manchin lookin' like he's doing the crossword all like "What is ten letters and means standing in the way of progress and failing to protect democracy? Oh, you're right, my name does fit!"

9:26: Biden notes that the great majority (75 percent) of the jobs that will be created with his American Jobs Plan won't even require an associates degree, calling it a "blue collar blueprint to build America." Big claps.

Just called for a $15 minimum wage too. (Biden executive ordered the minimum wage for federal contractors to go up to $15 this week.)

9:30: Biden calls for an "advanced research agency" to be created under the National Institutes of Health, along the lines of DARPA (which helped create the internet and GPS and all kinds of shit), to end cancer and Alzheimer's and stuff like that. Neat and good idea. Republicans will find a reason to be against it.

9:34: Biden now intro-ing his American Families Plan. Wonkette had a post explaining that today.

Pretty sure it's about stealing all the MISTER Potato Heads from good Christian children and feeding them all your cheeseburgers so you can't have any.

Or maybe it's about education and childcare and paid family leave. One of the two.

9:36: Biden says Dr. Jill always says "Any country that out-educates us will out-compete us." That makes sense, in a perfectly normal and non-confusing way!

9:39: Biden notes that some of the things in the American Families Plan are about making things from the COVID rescue plan -- like childcare tax credits and lowering health insurance premiums -- either permanent, or at least last a lot longer.

And how Biden gonna pay for this? By doing some Bernie Sanders/AOC-style shit to super-rich people and large corporations. Which is sooooooo popular among all the Americans who are not super-rich or large corporations.

9:41: Hahahahaha, if you get it, you get it:

9:43: Mitch McConnell did not seem very pleased with Biden's proposal to end corporate tax havens in Bermuda and Switzerland and the Cayman Islands, booooooooo.

9:45: Biden says he won't put any new taxes on the middle class because they pay enough. Says he wants people to be able to become millionaires and billionaires, but wants them to pay their fair share.

9:46: Good point from Sargent.

Biden just said "trickle down economics has never worked, and it's time to grow ..." and we really were hoping the end of that sentence would be "the fuck up." But it wasn't. Missed opportunity.

9:52: Biden now talking about foreign policy and saying he's already talked tuff to Xi Jinping, and that "America will not back away from our commitments." To human rights, to our alliances, and so forth. Says no "responsible president" (i.e. not the last one) can stand silent in the face of violations of who America is. (Haha, it's sad that this all seems so new and different.)

Says he told Putin that he's not seeking escalation, but he's responding proportionately to Russian cyber attacks and attacks on our elections and all that. "He understands we will respond." (Which is different from a year ago, when the president was super-excited to let Putin and Xi get away with whatever, and to let Putin attack our elections to help him and whatnot.)

Now Biden explaining his decision to GTFO of Afghanistan.

9:56: BIDEN: "White supremacy is terrorism."

"We've all seen uneven justice on the neck of Black Americans."

Also says the "vast majority" of people who wear a badge serve their communities honorably and want to do that. Gets claps from Maxine Waters AND Republicans.

Now he's telling the Senate to pass the George Floyd Justice In Policing Act, by the first anniversary of George Floyd's death. Hey, a few claps from Republicans on that too!

Man, we bet Tucker Carlson is HATING THIS.

10:01: BIDEN: Give me the fucking Equality Act and reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act that he wrote, Jesus Christ, give me all the things, Congress, give me them, Jesus Christ, give it.

10:04: BIDEN: Fix all the damn gun shit.

10:05: Video of Biden speaking directly to transgender Americans. Pretty big fuckin' deal.

And now Biden has moved on to immigration, basically saying stop bitching about it, pass some great laws that address root causes of migration and address border security and address people already here, fix that shit, Jesus.

10:08: NPR gives Biden ONE HUNDRED DIRTY PINOCCHIOS for accidentally suggesting Republicans lifted a goddamned finger to help one American.


And he immediately pivots to talking about the terrorist attack on the Capitol incited by the former president. By the way, at least as far as we've heard, we don't think he's even lightly alluded to Trump once, much less said his name.

10:11: Oh he's getting all passionate-like and talking about fuck those autocrats and "the future belongs to America," we bet he's almost done!

He's really good at these speeches, though.

10:13: Ayup, this shit is overrrrrrrrr.

"We're the United States of America! GOOD WORDS GOOD WORDS GOOD WORDS! AMERICA FUCK YEAH! The end." (May not be exact quote.)

10:14: Well that was lovely! If you love America and you love Wonkette, please click below to give us American money. We are 100 percent supported by YOU.

Thank you we love you goodnight.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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