LIVEBLOGGING The Indiana Indecision
Here is your Relief Editor, clocking in one million hours after the polls have closed, and all we know is that Barack Obama won North Carolina and Indiana is filthy with Hoosiers. That pretty much brings us up to speed, right? Let's LIVEBLOG the speech Barack Obama is about to give, explaining why he does not have "a tone of condensation" (that is what Tom Brokaw called it) when he talks to the Little People.
9:10 PM -- Keith Olbermann declares the crowd must be on its feet 20 times tonight or else Obama is a loser. Michelle looking impeccable in her crazy orange dress. And here's the man of the evening! How many former friends, associates, and pastors, and Weathermen will he throw under the bus in this rousing speech?
9:12 PM -- Who is the chancellor of NC State, and why does this person have such a difficult to pronounce name? The camera pans around wildly to a very caucasian-looking crowd.
9:14 PM -- He congratulates Hillary on her victory in Indiana, so that he will look gracious if she actually wins it and like a terribly clever mind-fucker if she does not. He reminds America that North Carolina is big, which is important.
9:15 PM -- OMG HE SAID BITTER, as in "bitter cold." Elitist.
9:17 PM -- This has been one of the longest, most irritating, most tedious contests fought in American history. No kidding. This race, he tells us, is not about any of the people running for President, and what they wear and how big their asses are and what sorts of decorations they put on their collars. No, it is about you, the dull and downtrodden American people.
9:19 PM -- Ding, drink, he mentioned John McCain, is there some sort of drinking game tonight? And segue to the Civilian Anecdotes. They can't afford four more years of four more years! Hey where is John Edwards tonight?
9:22 PM -- The guy who lost his job and can't afford the gas to drive around and get a new one? That is the saddest man in the world, besides that New Hampshire dude. He is so sad that a fiction writer could not have thought of a sadder person. And the crowd goes wild.
9:25 PM -- You should be able to count on a job that pays the bills, and healthcare, and an education? Really? What is this magical country in which a water plant worker can support his whole family? A water plant dude can support maybe his Cheetos habit, and an occasional fried baloney sandwich.
9:26 PM -- Now he goes after McCain. Now THAT dude is an out-of-touch elitist, because he was born before the middle class was invented.
9:28 PM -- Did not get into this race to avoid the nasty politics, got into it to end it. Hmm, good luck with that.
9:30 PM -- He trusts the American people to understand a lot of things the American people do not understand. NEWS FLASH he is getting all up in Hillary's shit in Indiana (behind by 4 points now). He will lose by a razor-thin margin and the race will march grimly on.
9:32 PM -- What is that dude doing behind the sign? Texting? Picking his nose? The dude over Obama's right shoulder. Ken Layne writes, "hey sara mention that cnn just project 1776 delegates for Barry right when he's talking about whatever founding fathers stuff -- NUMEROLOGY??" The answer is yes.
9:34 PM -- Huzzah, MCCAIN WINS INDIANA. Oh they are on their feet in NC again. How many times is that, Olbermann? Hmm, and he closes with a "May God bless you and the United States of America." Is that a new addition? Wow, Michelle's dress is BRIGHT.
9:37 PM -- And now they are back to bitter and Rev. Wright and all the "divisions and distractions" Obama just spent 20 minutes railing against. Wow Obama is ahead by 16% in North Carolina. We had not been looking at the Numbers.
9:39 PM -- Chuck Todd: Oh goodness it looks like the state of Indiana has syphilis. Obama needs 55% of the yet-to-be-counted votes, and now Chuck Todd is circling all the poxy areas on the map. He says he has been talking to the Obama Boiler Room and they say they'll lose it by 10 or 15,000 votes. Chuck Todd wants to know where French Lick is.
9:42 PM -- Russert: Clinton needed an early, decisive victory in Indiana. Instead she got an early, decisive defeat in North Carolina. Also the gas tax holiday debate played to Obama's advantage.
9:44 PM -- Olbermann wants to know what Obama will need to get in Indiana in order to put away Clinton. Russert punts. He cannot pronounce the word "detrimental." Or "burden." Let's see what words Tom Brokaw will mispronounce! Brokaw's eyes appear to be receding into tiny little burrows in his head. In fact it is unclear if he has actual eyeballs anymore. Who needs 'em anyhow when you're just writing about The Greatest Generation all the time?
9:47 PM -- Hillary Clinton is going to have herself a hearty chuckle when this is all over and she has won, and she can play a Victory Reel of the douchebags on MSNBC declaring her dead 50 times.
[10:07 PM -- She has a new liveblog over here, people! -- Ed.]