Famous Kentuckian Hunter S. ThompsonWith every passing Tuesday the Democratic party gets closer to cutting the Gordian knot that is its Presidential nominating contest. In other words, Hillary Clinton will win Kentucky, Barack Obama will win Oregon, and Pat Buchanan will lose his mind (again) on MSNBC tonight. Join us as we watch the early evening madness, with a glass of Kentucky bourbon in each fist!

6:51 PM -- Bad omen tonight: the bottle of Maker's was so crusted over with that goddamn sealing wax that we were forced to hit an already open bottle of Jameson's. Metaphor?

6:52 PM -- Jeffrey Toobin just said "white bitch," on the teevee, talking about why America (Penn Jillette) hates Hillary Clinton. Toobin does not mention how deeply unfunny everybody found that dumb joke. Let's go over to MSNBC.

6:55 PM -- Hey remember how Chris Matthews had weird strawberry blond hair for like 15 minutes last week? Thank God that's over. And commercial break ... over to Fox. Oregon has a mail-in primary, which we guess means Oregonians have four more hours to pop their ballots in the mail? They have already started counting Oregonian ballots, though, so there won't be any more Gary, Indiana-style disasters.

6:59 PM -- As usual, Brit Hume looks and talks like he's eaten a bowl of horse tranquilizers.

7:00 PM -- Hillary wins Kentucky! This state is full of old white poor people. Fox renders its graphics in a weird 3-D lazy Susan platter of statistics, which is confusing us. Now back to MSNBC.

7:04 PM -- Norah O'Donnell: This is basically West Virginia, one week later, and older and whiter. One dominant issue for Kentucky voters: the economy. Norah is maybe swinging by an evening event later on tonight, with her shiny black necklace and little black dress.

7:07 PM -- Lee Cowan fidgeting with his hair before Olbermann says "Over to you, Lee Cowan!" So that is an exciting bit of UNVARNISHED PRESS for you. Senator Obama is so unimpressed with Kentucky that he will be giving his failure speech from Iowa.

7:08 PM -- Amy Klobuchar does a terrible impression of Ted Kennedy. Olbermann: Should Obama give a speech about Ted Kennedy, instead of about the presidential nomination he's about to win?

7:11 PM -- "Older white voters, if you will," says Chris Matthews. Yes We Will! Oh Ron Allen just said "clinging to" and then corrected himself, because everybody knows voters do not cling to anything.

7:13 PM -- Senator Clinton's campaign reacted very badly when the Obama campaign pointed out she has no way of winning, mathematically, unless every state minus Florida and Michigan is bombed into the ocean. Olbermann makes some sports-type comparison.

7:14 PM -- Hooray Terry McAuliffe! How many goofballs is he hopped up on? "Everybody keeps sayin' it's over, but Hillary Clinton keeps winnin' in these purple states!" Also, THREE WHOLE STATES have yet to vote so just HOLD YER HORSES! Matthews: Do you see Hillary with the majority of delegates after June 3? McAuliffe: Yes, because I just smoked a boatload of crack.

7:17 PM -- Yes, but you will need a million percent of superdelegates to commit to Hillary! McAuliffe: But there is a reason superdelegates have waited, and it is because they are complete sissies who wouldn't commit when it might have actually mattered to the voters in those states.

7:19 PM -- Matthews is trying to pin down McAuliffe and make him say Hillary won West Virginia and Kentucky because voters there are racist, and McAuliffe says "No, it's her economic message."

7:21 PM -- Matthews: You don't believe that talking with foreign leaders is appeasement, do you? McAuliffe: Huh what? I can't hear you, the screaming and cheering is too loud. But no, that is not appeasement. Huzzah, over to Pat Buchanan!

7:24 PM -- What's the matter with Obama? "Everything Terry McAuliffe said is true." OH BOY IT WILL BE FUN TIMES HERE TONIGHT. Who do Wonkette commenters hate more, Terry McAuliffe or Pat Buchanan? Discuss.

7:27 PM -- David Gregory: Hey have any superdelegates come out for Hillary Clinton, validating her argument that she is more electable? Olbermann: Hmm come to think of it, I know of no such superdelegates. Hillary's victory speech will be DELICIOUS.

7:29 PM -- Over to CNN. Begala says these calcified "I will not vote for the other person" voters will probably get over it by the general election. Angry incredulous retorts from Gloria Borger.

7:30 PM -- You know what you should not eat in quick succession? Doritos, Swiss cheese, and whiskey. A DividedWeFail.org ad comes on. Horrible donkey-elephant beast reminds everyone of how all the Olds have to stick together, for Freedom and subsidized medical equipment. Joe Scarborough is scolding Harold Ford on FOX. He cannot believe Harold Ford is suggesting that Barack Obama should take John Edwards on an Appalachian thank-you tour, in order to thank all the voters of Appalachia for their complete lack of support.

7:35 PM -- Here comes Chuck Todd, Statistician. He says, "Look at the black population of a state and it will tell you who won." More than 16% or less than 4% goes for Obama. 4-16% goes for Hillary. Go to census.gov and you will be able to tell how Florida and Michigan voted/would have voted. Wow, well that is deeply depressing! Olbermann says, "I wonder how many dissertations are going to be written on this," and Todd says, "It's more like freshman statistics," and everybody feels stupid except for Chuck Todd.

7:40 PM -- Wonkette statistician Jim Newell has started another liveblog, you can find it here! Go go go!


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc