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Liveblogging The New Jersey Tussle Between Those Two Jerks

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Here is a photograph of New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine's greatest accomplishment in the last four years, when he crashed his car. Between his two runs, Jon Corzine has spent approximately $700 million of his own money trying to win one of the least desirable jobs in politics: the guy who has to raise taxes on a populace of constipated slobs who can't even pump their own gas, by law. Will he luck out and lose tonight to the very fat Chris Christie? The television will tell us.


8:22 -- Keith Olbermann is talking about the public option now that he has some "down time." But the public option is not up for election tonight, SIR. SIR. Let's watch CNN again, where the panel of 900 hungry hungry partisans are expected to battle-royale it out over a few cubes of raw sirloin.

8:28 -- Back to Virginia: the Republican candidate for Attorney General, Ken Cuccinelli, and the Republican candidate for Lieutenant Governor, "who gives a fuck," have also won. It's the Triple Crown of Virginia! Which state shall the new leadership declare war on first?

8:31 -- A fellow on the CNN is giving a presentation on the findings of his OBAMETER, which keep track of which promises Obama has kept and which he has broken. Most news organizations put a 15-year-old intern in charge of this, what is commonly referred to as "sorting."

8:33 -- If you want to track the fortunes of gay marriage in Maine, here is a website! The early results suggest that it'll be celebratory costume-disco party time in downtown Bangor all night long.

8:40 -- The CNN panel is very liberal-biased. Mary Matalin and that other gal are the only two Republicans, alongside James Carville, Roland Martin, that lawyer from the New Yorker, Donna Brazile, and the two apolitical robots David Gergen and Candy Crowley. The only man who can make this panel exciting is, hypothetically, Lanny Davis, but he usually spends this part of the week in Honduras.

8:52 -- Sorry that we are liveblogging at such a snail's pace this hour. It's the news, the news is moving at this very same snail's pace!

8:53 -- Oh now here is an actual potential piece of upcoming news. Your Wonkette has just received this brief alert from its favorite alliterative campaign office, Crist Communications:

Governor Crist to Appear on Fox News Channel Tonight at 11:04pm EST

Tallahassee – Governor Charlie Crist will discuss the 2009 and 2010 Elections tonight, Tuesday, November 3, 2009, during Fox News Channel's Election Night coverage at 11:04 p.m. EST.

(An abridged episode of Amos & Andy will air from 11:00 to 11:03.) What will the gay Charlie Crist tell Fox News, after today's events! Many pundits are saying that the empowered Teabaggers, after having (probably) conquered a deep-red congressional district in rural New York, will now try to kill Charlie Crist in his Senate race.

9:01 -- Wolf Blitzer has an update before CNN turns over to Larry King! You can tell it is a slow election night if they turn things over to Larry King before the major races are called. You can also tell it is a slow election night when it is super freaking fucking obvious that it is a slow election night.

9:02 -- New York polls are closed; nothing. Christie is beating Corzine by about 10 percentage points, with 20% of precincts reporting. Oh no, now there are 28% reporting, and the lead is down to six! John King is drawing neon green circles all over Virginia. "Does this prove...[X] ?" comes an infinite stream of rhetorical questions from the drawer John King.

9:07 -- Now we are watching Rachel Maddow, the one tolerable and sometimes wonderful cable news personality! She was just talking about this comical story -- OMG SHE WAS TALKING TO DAVE WEIGEL! -- from NY-23:

“We just had a report that one of our pollsters in Clinton County just had their tires slashed,” Hoffman told reporters at his campaign office in Plattsburgh, N.Y. “So I think the Democrats are doing everything they possibly can to steal this election away from the 23rd District.” ... Capt. Michael Branch of the Plattsburgh City Police Department said the incident wasn’t criminal mischief, but rather a tire-meets-bottle affair. “This was not a tire slashing—this was some guy who drove over a bottle and cut his tire,” Branch said.

Wish we had more time to get to know this Hoffman, whose lack of knowledge about everything and uncanny ability to follow Glenn Beck's every order would've made for plenty of long-term campaign fodder.

9:19 -- Okay now Rachel Maddow is talking about gay civil rights with a gay fellow which means that there is officially Nothing Happening. This seems like a good point to close Wonkette's liveblogging coverage of the Hobbit-Sized 2009 Elections. Any further news will be written up in individual posts.

SUMMARY: Republicans took the governorship and other statewide races in Virginia, just like in the good ol' days. The fat Chris Christie appears to be maintaining a solid lead over Jon Corzine (52% to 42%, last we checked), but it's still too close to call, and more Democratic districts have yet to fully report. Glenn Beck's wingnut bitch has not yet declared victory over the ACORN drone in NY-23. Gay people in Maine are still waiting to hear about whether they'll be executed en masse, or not. Jonah Goldberg's Wonkette-endorsed brother is talking shit all over Twitter, like the cock of the walk! Finally, PROPERTY TAXES IN NEW JERSEY ARE STILL OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! RIGHT NOW THEY ARE SO HIGH!

Love,

America

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