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Liveblogging the Old Crazies: Reagan's Flipping In His Grave

Walnuts! - WonketteAre we having fun yet? No? Then let's continue not having fun with this exciting liveblogging of the GOP old geezers threatening us all with a million more 9/11s.


* If WALNUTS! becomes president, it really doesn't matter what he wants -- he will be president of a "failed nation."

* When what's his name is president, we're not gonna rescue faggot hikers on Mt. Hood anymore.

* Come on, Tommy Thompson, are you or are you not going to protect American business from homos??

* Hey Mitt, how's the E-meter?

* Huckabee: "Mormons are as untrustworthy as a Mexican."

* Duncan Hunter: "I saved us from Mexicans." (There are like 5 million undocumented Latin American workers in California.)

* There is apparently a "front door" to this country.

* Jim Gilmore: "Karl Rove could very easily have me killed."

* Rudy: "I will not listen to you, Chris Matthews."

* Tommy: "I vetoed 1,900 things."

* REAGAN REAGAN REAGAN.

* You know, Arnold really is a pretty good governor. These people really should be scared.

* Brokeback: "Put Republicans in jail."

* Tancredo: "Mark Foley is a Democrat."

* So that Air Force One isn't really Air Force One? So everything to do with Reagan is fake bullshit?

* WALNUTS! barks: "I thought I had a yellow light." Also, he did that stupid "drunken sailor" joke for what, the millionth time?

* You know what these guys do? They make Reagan seem kind of cuddly, don't they? He was a real mean, stupid old man and he's looking better by the second.

* Hitchens once called Reagan a "cruel and stupid lizard." This is why we continue to like Hitchens, even when he's gone as loopy as John McCain with these terror bogeymen.

* McCain has been "working very hard for a couple of months" on immigration. Hey, that's pretty great, Walnuts. You've been a senator in Arizona for how long, 174 years?

* Duncan Hunter: "I agree with Al Gore."

* Ron Paul: "I really haven't done anything as a politician."

* Mitt Romney: "I have deep concern about curing disease."

* Mitt looks so young and healthy at age 60 because a) He's a healthy-living Mormon, b) He uses every kind of stem cells as a kind of Fetus Botox(tm), or c) He's actually George Hamilton.

* Mitt's health-care system in Massachusetts is "fabulous." But props to Romney for this; it's actually the system California is going to use, that Arnold's pushing. (No, it's not perfect, but for the United States it's pretty great.)

* Mitt finally appeals to the Middle/Upper Class: No tax on capital gains, interest, dividends.

* Uhm, shit, who is this guy again? Gilmore?

* Really, so Huck wants a flat tax? But they just say this crap every four years. Nobody is ever going to cut off the incredible flow of tax money to American lobbyists.

* There goes Tommy with his 1,900 again.

* Walnuts just says line-item veto or Iran to every question.

* Oh, and he mentions Lieberman a lot. Because Vinegar Joe is real fucking popular, right?

* Ha ha, Politico took another question from us ... er, we mean, "Ryan Seacrest."

* Duncan Hunter basically can't pronounce any country.

* McCain believes in EVOLUTION! But ... oh, right, the Invisible Hand of God made the Grand Canyon. Everything else? Godless Communist Evolution.

* Ha ha, they took our question again .... "Eric Taylor from California." But it was supposed to go to Brownback.

* REJOICE, SINGLE MOMS: MITT ROMNEY WILL MAKE YOU ONE OF HIS WIVES! AND HE'S RICH!

* Ron Paul Hearts Wonkette! Or at least the Internets, in general. Dude actually believes in the First Amendment, because he is some kind of weird person who has read the Constitution.

* Rudy's Weakness: "I am a gay American."

* Brokeback: "I am like if Al Gore ate John Edwards." Really, what is up with him?

* Tommy Thompson: "Not enough troops have died in Iraq."

* Rudy: "The worst terrorist attack in America happened on my watch, in my city! I am the king of disaster!"

* Brownback: Eh, who cares what Brownback says?

* Just 10 minutes left.

* Oh god, these guys stand for even less than the Democrats.

* PLEASE KILL ME.

* PLEASE KILL ME.

* PLEASE KILL ME.

* PLEASE KILL ME.

* Mexicans.

* Scooter.

* Handled.

* Discretion.

* Misinformation.

* Feeding tube.

* Shut up.

* SHUT UP.

* SHUT THE FUCK UP.

* Walnuts: "Deeply moved by watching Bill Frist watch video of woman in coma."

* Mitt: "Hillary hates LIFE."

* Gilmore or Huckabee: "What Hillary tried to do is what Mitt did in Massachusetts."

* Duncan Hunter: "Bill Clinton lost the War On Terror."

* Tommy Thompson: "I hate Bill Clinton, I hate American prosperity."

* WALNUTS! "I like right-wing judges."

* SHUT UP ALL OF YOU SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

* Here is a good song by Jarvis Cocker.

* Rudy: "I caused 9/11."

* Ron Paul: "Mr. Republican ..." wait, what?

* Ron Paul: "I will not abuse that corpse."

* Chris Matthews: "We will run this thing forever on MSNBC."

* Good-bye, thank you for reading, let's go straight to the heroin now.

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