Greetings from your editor's spacious couch! We forego a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go to the Pennsyltucky Massacre/Debate in order to bring you this important commentary from beloved cultural icons Chris Matthews, Pat Buchanan, and the guy from Massachusetts. What crazy accidental truths will this bitter old white Catholics utter in between non sequitors? Join us and find out!

7:35 PM -- John McCain shook hands with a badger or something last night. John McCain is a secret furry, and he hates abortion so SUCKS TO YOU TOM RIDGE, NO VEEPING THIS TIME. Ugh boring. Let's see what's on CNN.

7:40 PM -- It's our favorite orange-fleshed bobblehead, the alien Loud Obbs. He is talking with Roger Simon, who has opinions about who should be beating up on whom. Did Dobbs not get the memo that only John King and David Gregory get to wear pinstripes?

7:45 PM -- Gaack, back to MSNBC and what is that problem on Joe Biden's forehead? Does he have Arlen Specter's head cancer? None of this matters, because this update will never appear.

7:50 PM -- This Christa gal is clearly Canadian. Why is this foreigner allowed to dictate American policy? Is that even English she's speaking?

7:52 PM -- EVERYTHING is on the table this election: age, ethnicity, gender, prostate health. The whole shebang. This is why people hate politics. Oh hey what's that, a FIG NEWTONS ad? How much did the Clintons pay for that?

7:57 PM -- John McCain has officially given up on California, the end, according to Chris Matthews. This insane Chicago Tribune columnist thinks that a pro-life candidate can carry California. Matthews is aghast. He is so so mad that Tom Ridge is not going to be Vice President of Nothing.

8:00 PM -- Well that was perhaps the most useless liveblog ever! Thank you all for joining us in this futile effort. We hand you off to Wonkette's own Jim Newell, who reports live in REAL LIFE from Philadelphia.