Liveblogging Part I: The Pre-Debate Electoral Map Masturbatorium
To your left is the shack where her editor spent her "vacation," getting harassed by banana slugs and watching the VP debate in a bar full of scratch-off Lotto ticket addicts who muttered angry things about "Barack HUSSEIN Obama" on their way out. (Kidding! That is another one of John McCain's eleventy billion subprime properties, now on sale in exchange for a sack of speckled beans.) Anyhow now we are back, rested and refreshed! We hear there is some sort of a talky talky with whatsisface, Hussein, and the little angry man. What magical maps is John King drawing at this very moment to show us how Poverty will finally triumph over Racism this electoral cycle?
8:37 PM -- Campbell Brown asks how both candidates can improve upon their performances from last week. Indeed, how can John McCain possibly do better?
8:39 PM -- Hmm, where is this debate happening? Nashville? We should have put up a Dolly Parton photo or something. Or Keith Urban. So Campbell Brown is running these things now, huh? Her hair is so shiny. Donna Brazile: Both candidates need to tell voters how they plan to keep them out of homeless destitution and utter financial collapse this fall. Ha! No, they need to tell voters what "a low down dirty dog" that other dude is.
8:43 PM -- Oh right, CNN is the network with those awful fucking squiggly lines that literally do nothing except jump when someone says "David Petraeus."
8:45 PM -- Well, this is boring. We just saw an ad for "clean coal," though! It's no "HEAD ON. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD," possibly the best ad invented since the Spong Monkeys ad by Quiznos. Hmm let us find a link there. Well here is the original Spong Monkeys masterpiece.
8:47 PM -- Now! Over to MSNBC. Howard Fineman. Did you know that Howard Fineman was ubiquitous at the DNC and the RNC? Every Wonkette editor saw him thrice, and that's not counting how his image kept popping up in urinals.
8:48 PM -- Eek, Sarah Palin is "perfectly willing to touch" the "darkest levels of the American psyche." That is Howard Fineman trying to say "race baiting" without saying "race baiting."
8:50 PM -- Olbermann wants to warn viewers that this Town Hall MIGHT not be quite as spontaneous as viewers would have hoped, thus: no impromptu falls into the Jello pit for some hot boy-on-boy hair pulling, which was probably unlikely anyhow, given their hair.
8:53 PM -- T. Boone Pickens, fame whore.
8:54 PM -- Silly Keith Olbermann thinks John McCain's refusal to look at Barack Obama "might be called cowardice," when in fact it is just rank angry scorn. Look at Olbermann and Matthews trying to commentate all sober-like, without snippy hand gestures. Oh and now Keith asks about McCain being "grumpy," and Matthews looks bored.
8:57 PM -- Clearly the strategy for Democrats -- and the secret Hope of millions of Americans tonight -- is that McCain will just be goaded tonight into completely crapping himself with disgust, onstage, proving once and for all that he is unfit to lead.
8:59 PM -- This idea that the candidates will be more likely to directly answer questions from Real Voters instead of giving the canned, evasive answers they're always blurping up for liberal media types is just laughable.
9:00 PM -- Oh huzzah our pizza is here and the debate is starting, the stars have aligned! Out come the candydates and John McCain immediately starts scribbling something on a notepad while McCain reclines with dignity. Read on here.