Donate

Liveblogging The Pre-Game To Obama's Saucy Congressional Gangbang!

News

Oh jesus we turned on the CNN and the first thing we heard was your favorite Campbell uttering that most terrifying word from 2008: "expectations." As in, "Hey Roland, what expectations does President Obama have to meet tonight in order to 'win' the American people? David and Jeffrey, you guys just chime in, after Roland." These people do know that Barack Obama won the election, which was last November, right? Anyway let's see what other post-analytical proverbs of doom the CNN folks can bestow upon us.


8:32 -- Campbell Brown shows the results of a Facebook Poll. A number of Facebook users are worried about their "home value" above all else. Isn't Facebook just a bunch of college kids? No wonder so many of them defaulted!

8:33 -- Oh sweet, a commercial break. What's K-Lo up to?

Now They Tell Us [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

"Obama Wants to Move the Center Left"

Radical communism!

8:35 -- Campbell shows up a "live picture" of Obama's motorcade leaving the White House. This speech, it's really happening!

8:36 -- WOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLFFFFFFFF

8:37 -- Ooh, Wolf and Anderson Cooper went to the White House today, and guess what they learned? The speech will be 45 minutes to an hour long. The Obama White House is so transparent.

8:38 -- "Here are some old coots on the Senate floor, waiting."

8:39 -- Wolf says that Bobby Jindal has a "very compelling story" to tell America in his response. Maybe... THE EXORCISM STORY?

8:40 -- John King: Obama needs to use medical surgeon metaphors, to meet expectations. Extended metaphors. Oh good lord John King is telling the longest medical surgeon metaphor of all time.

8:41 -- John King has other metaphors, too. He says the American people want to know if Obama will take "the knife to the sacred cows," meaning, "will he cut entitlements." On the other hand, they were just talking about Bobby Jindal, so John King is basically racist.

8:42 -- We see that some of you would rather watch MSNBC. Well that's not in HD on Comcast (DON'T GET US STARTED), and we demand to see every pore of our cable teevee hosts. Besides, MSNBC is nuts.

8:43 -- Joe Biden shows up, HEY-O!

8:44 -- C'mon, CNN, the people want it, put the camera on America's new hero. We can hear the chants in the background... Cantor, Cantor, CANTOR, CANTOR...

8:45 -- BET's senior political analyst is on CNN. Guess BET is showing something else?

8:47 -- Wow, CNN has the editor of Forbes on, and he says (paraphrasing but not really), "Basically no one is for nationalization of the banks." Best Political Team on TeeVee, and they don't even have to read news about politics.

8:49 -- Hey there's Roland Burris entering the Senate behind John McCain. Did you know that Dick Durbin was racist to Roland Burris today?

8:50 -- There's John Kerry! The drinking game rule for a John Kerry sighting is, "cut your eyeball."

8:51 -- Candy Crowley has the scoop on Jindal! We'll hear both "bedrock conservatism" and "a mea culpa," so get your dancing pants on.

8:52 -- Hey look, it's our own Mayor Adrian Fenty... yeah, got nothing.

8:53 -- Oh thank heavens that Chelsea "Andrew Sullivan" Sullenberger is there, too; he's more or less the only non-shitsack human being left in America, and we should pay him tax money just to walk across the country and smile and land planes everywhere.

8:54 -- CNN warns: the Markets will react immediately, so Obama better be uhh good!

8:55 -- Forbes editor screams about Communism and Jacobins.

8:57 -- Wonkette editor Ken Layne tells us that Chris Matthews said about Bobby Jindal, "I'm not impressed with this guy one bit." He picked this verdict arbitrarily out of a hat, it sounds like.

8:59 -- WOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

9:00 -- Nancy Pelosi introduces Sully Sullen Sullenberg Sullenberger. Love that guy.

9:01 -- OK THIS LIVEBLOG IS DONE, disgraced mountain goat Ken Layne will now be writing words for you, here. Good luck, Barry!

$
Donate with CC
It started with them damn hats. (Image: Wikimedia Commons)

A guest post by "Knitsy McPurlson," which we suspect is not a real name.

Yr Wonkette is not the only website run by brilliant peoples unafraid to poke people with sharp, pointy sticks. Ravelry.com – a website for knitters, crocheters, and other folks interested in textiles and fiber arts – is poking people with knitting needles, which are very sharp indeed.

This past weekend, Ravelry.com's founders showed the world how easy it is to de-platform white nationalists and racists when they banned all "support of Donald Trump and his administration" from their website, concluding they "cannot provide a space that is inclusive of all and also allow support for open white supremacy." Seems like people smart enough to decode a knitting pattern are also smart enough to decode Trump's not-so-hidden message of racism and white nationalism.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

One day, God willing, my grandchildren will click open their history textbooks and read about the Central American migrant internment camps. They'll learn about sick kids, locked in cages, kept hungry and dirty and cold for weeks on end, and they'll be horrified.

"Bubbie," they'll say, "how could this happen in America? How could there be toddlers sleeping on the ground without blankets, without soap or toothbrushes to clean themselves?"

"I don't know. I wish I had done more. I'm ashamed," I'll say. We will all have to answer for this atrocity. But some of us will have to answer more than others. Not just the archvillains like Stephen Miller and John Kelly, but the people who kept right on doing their jobs, even as those jobs morphed into defending concentration camps.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc