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OH JOY let us all gather round our dusty 'puter screens with our booze supplies, since the Homeland Security Departmentdecided to half-assedly nuke America's television sets (not that we even own one these days), so that we may together witness the Xmas miracle of a bunch of screaming devil millionaire slobs argue over how to finally turn out the rest of the lights on the American economy, forever. And probably watch Herman Cain try to use a blunt machete to fight his way through a few awkward questions about his sex fetishes. Here we go!


7:59 - The American Mustache Institute is claiming Herman Cain's upper lip coiffure is probably fake, GAH.

8:01 - CNBC has done a marvelously crappy job of publicizing this debate. Where the hell is the live feed??? DOUBLE GAAHHHH.

8:06- While we FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL, here is a terrifying story about how Rick Santorum named pedophile football demon monster Jerry Sandusky a "Congressional Angel." Gross.

8:10 - Evil CNBC corporate clowns forced us to register with their stupid network. OKAY. Here is the dumb link.

8:12 - Mitt Romney tells Michigan they can all go to hell, he hates the state where he grew up and he remains against the highly successful government auto industry bailout.

8:14 - Mitt Romney's theme for this evening will be, "I am consistent. Everyone knows this about me." Our Mitt Romney brand flip-flops say otherwise!

8:16 - Moderator woman to GOP candidates: "How will tax reform lead to jobs?" NEWT GINGRICH TO THE RESCUE: "Kill Ben Bernanke." That'll do it.

8:17 - Michele Bachmann, hey, she is still around! Her tax reform platform is to build a giant fence along the Southern border.

8:20 - OOOOOH HERE WE GO. Moderator lady: "Herman Cain, do you have any morals? Have you ever had any morals?" Audience: BOOOOOOO. Herman Cain: "There are literally thousands of people who might say that I am a swamp monster, but that is just a rumor." Applause.

8:23 - Oh for fuck's sake. "Mitt Romney, do you think Herman Cain is a manwhore?" BOOS. HISSES. APPLAUSE. Mitt Romney: "I have no opinion, as usual."

8:24 - Jon Huntsman admits to being a flaming communist, there, he admits it.

8:26 - Mitt Romney explains Economics. "You see, profit is what companies have after they pay executives their massive salaries. That is how capital is created." Please mail him his Nobel prize immediately.

8:28- Bloated turd Newt Gingrich would like to remind America that Occupy Wall Street would not even have a park to Occupy if there were no Wall Street to own parks. That is all.

8:31 - Herman Cain knows what FAIR IS. 999 9999 999 9999999 99999. THAT is the official dictionary definition of fair.

8:33 - Michele Bachmann's proposal is that poor people will pay the price of two Happy Meals every year in federal income tax.

8:37 - RON PAUL everyone, RON PAUL. Eh, more stuff about destroying the Fed. Snooze. RON PAUL.

8:39 - Oh, let's do a half-ass check in with Twitter. Here is a Twitter we like from Andy Borowitz: "If Herman Cain groped Maria Bartiromo right now he'd get a standing ovation from this crowd." PROBABLY/CERTAINLY TRUE.

8:45 - Summary of the GOP response to the housing crisis question from the moderators: "Let the market do its job, mandatory homelessness for struggling Americans."

8:47 - Michele Bachmann is now railing against corporate bonuses?

8:49 - Moderator to Newt Gingrich: "So if you hate Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac so much, why did you take $300,000 of their money to give them advice?" Newt Gingrich: "I am merely a historian."

8:50 - Herman Cain: 99999999999999999.

8:51 - Herman Cain's best quote of the night so far: "You don't start solvin the problem by getting into the middle of it." His first act as President will be to start history over.

8:55 - Ron Paul's understanding of why medical costs have skyrocketed is "inflation." Kind of weird how medical costs have outpaced inflation by thirteen billion percent?

8:56 - Herman Cain, oooh, trying out some new numbers! Risky! "Princess Nancy" whoever that fruit is blocked something called "HR3000." WHERE ARE THE NINES?

8:58 - No one has said "Romneycare" yet tonight, America must now puke back up one of its shots. Negative drinking game points.

8:59 - Newt Gingrich's solution to the health care crisis is to hold seven more "Lincoln-Douglas" style debates, to talk everyone into an early grave. "Why bother with death panels," etc.

9:00 - Jesus Christ, Michele Bachmann. "I will allow everyone to buy medical insurance." Good plan.

9:05 - RON PAUL. Why is he jabbering about the housing crisis during a question about health insurance? Whatever, European communists suck.

9:06 - Oh look, CNBC is running a sad/depressing commercial about Social Security during the break. THE GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO KILL THE OLDS. Probably for the better.

9:10 - God, who can even afford the amount of booze required to get through these GOP death match orgies these days? We can't.

9:12 - CNBC has given some airtime to some rich CEO to ask, "how will you stop destroying the political system in the United States with your incessant dogmatic preaching about lowering taxes on giant corporations?" Rick Santorum will get in there on this one: "We will just force them to see our point of view."

9:15 - Mitt Romney awkwardly accuses Obama of just saying a bunch of nonsense in order to win re-election. Et tu, Mitt Romney?

9:16 - Rick Perry promises to eliminate three major government agencies, if only he can remember what they are. "The Department of Commerce, the Department of Education and.... I can't, I don't know, whatever, just another one. OOPS." (That is actually what he said.)

9:18 - TEEHEE HERMAN CAIN SAID BACKDOOR. GOD THAT IS SO GROSS.

9:19 - Newt Gingrich announces that his favorite sex fantasy is the one where he screws Lyndon Johnson to death with a spiky dildo.

9:21 - Twitter is reporting that Rick Perry's campaign is over at this point. TWITTER SAYS IT, IT IS TRUE.

9:26 - Jon Huntsman is talking again, but he is refusing to speak in Mandarin. The universe is unimpressed.

9:27 - Ron Paul would like America's college students to know they are paying too much for a very shitty education. But if they really HAVE to go to college, they should pay for it the same way they "pay for cell phones." With money, that does not exist.

9:29 - Newt Gingrich is talking about his Lyndon Johnson sex fantasies again. Seriously, mute the video right now.

9:33- Rick Perry is against Big Education, whatever that is. Fuck literacy! Rick Perry is against government loans for students, because illiteracy is cool in Texas. Everyone be like Texas.

9:36 - God, these debates keep getting longer and longer.

9:37 - The audience laughs at Herman Cain, because he is a ridiculous fool whose vocabulary includes only "999." No one takes him seriously.

9:38 - Mittens hates China. Nuke China.

9:41 - Jon Huntsman is required to give a response here. "Mitt Romney is an asshole." Mitt Romney: "The Chinese are terrorists." Michele Bachmann gets the rebuttal: "The Pentagon has been infiltrated by the Chinese." Herman Cain: "What is China?"

9:44 - Oh god the famous CNBC jackass Jim Cramer has been allowed to yell at Herman Cain: "If you are not allowed to mention 999, what is your plan for growing the economy?" Herman Cain: "I plan to grow the economy."

9:47 - WHY IS THIS STILL GOING.

9:48 - Rick Perry wakes from his coma.

9:49 - RON PAUL loves Occupy Wall Street. Shout out!

9:50 - OH FINALLY somehow this is over? Is it really? is it true? Are unicorns real? We have learned nothing, thank you CNBC.

9:52 - So according to the Internet our major takeaway from this debate is Herman Cain's stupid line, "the problem with Dodd-Frank is Dodd and Frank." This means, literally, nothing! Which is all we expected from this bilious orgy of lunatic rants against poor people.

9:58 - CNBC's post-debate analysis: "Herman Cain dealt very well with his sexual harassment allegations," even though no one asked him about them. CNBC is staffed by fools.

10:03 - The only thing that everyone agrees about after this stupid conflagration is that Rick Perry should drop out immediately.

10:04 - CNBC pundits: "These debates do not really provide an accurate way for candidates to discuss their actual platforms!" No word on whether this matters. AND THAT IS ALL 4 US 2NITE THANK U, GOOD LUCK AMERICA.

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Donald Trump held another great big slob picnic in Orlando, Florida, last night, where he "announced" the "start" of his 2020 campaign, which will be exactly like his 2016 campaign except for the minor detail that he's actually been in the White House since 2017, which is really a bummer, man. Still, it's no reason he can't run as an outsider who vows to protect everyday Americans who believe he's just like them. The rally was a mishmash of the same damn shit he's said a million times before, and the rubes loved almost every minute of it except for the boring parts when he talked about stuff he's supposedly achieved in office, because not even his supporters care about trade policy or tariffs. They want an enemy, and they want to be told they and Trump will destroy that enemy together because they are the real Americans. So that's what Trump gave them, again and again, a feast of fear and resentment designed to get them to the polls. It was enough in 2016, and Trump thinks it'll do the job in 2020.

If there was anything new in the speech -- which was mostly Trump reading from a teleprompter, plus the expected weirdass asides -- nobody has identified it. He complained about the press and the crowd chanted "CNN sucks," and he explained what a threat to the nation Hillary Clinton is -- in fact, he mentioned her eight times during the 80-minute rant.

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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

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