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Liveblogging Tony Hayward's Flogging by the House Energy Subcommittee

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Everything will be different once Henry Waxman and Bart Stupak firmly chide BP CEO Tony Hayward for that terrible mess he made in the Gulf of Mexico. Tony may even get sent to his room for a timeout. And then the oil spill disaster will be over, once the tears dry and forgiveness is given. You will not want to miss the live teevee testimony! Or, more likely, youdo want to miss it -- but you'd still like to learn & laugh together with your only friends, here at Wonkette. Let's liveblog Scotland's own Ninja Turtle, Tony Hayward, as he reads this prepared speech that has been posted on the Internet for hours now.


9:47 AM -- Really, here's the speech. IT IS SO SINCERE, so kudos to whatever PR hack hired by BP put this wonderful statement together.

9:50 AM -- Let's just scan this thing, see what people will pretend to "react to" during the House testimony and grilling.

9:51 AM -- "The explosion and fire aboard the Deepwater Horizon ...." Ah ha, already passing the buck in the first sentence, jolly good.

9:52 AM -- "None of us yet knows why it happened." Second sentence is a Lie, as there are daily revelations about just how much BP knew, and just how hard the rig's staff was pushed to cut corners and keep the oil flowing.

9:53 AM -- Then he will be sad about the 11 workers who were killed when the rig exploded, then he will be sad about the devastation and such, and then he will wonder if anyone could ever know what to do in such a situation, and then he will bring up the question of deep-water drilling and whether it can ever be safe.

9:54 AM -- And then he'll recap for about 10 minutes. This is sort of "pre-liveblogging," which is perfectly legal. But we'll also be watching Tony read these words, and judging his delivery and his choice of beverage and whatever else, because there won't be a lot more to cover. Maybe somebody will faint! That would be news. (We wish them a speedy recovery, this person who faints.)

10:04 AM -- Henry Waxman read 30 million emails last night and come on, did you BP idiots even know what offshore drilling was until this thing broke?

10:07 AM -- Ha ha, BP laughed at the danger of this "nightmare" well, which is what BP people called it, and then when they knew the whole well would explode and break and leak all the world's oil onto the poor coastlines of the Gulf of Mexico, the BP logo actually laughed and wrote this email: "Who cares? It's done."

10:10 AM -- And oil is bad for us! Why does Tony Hayward sell OIL when everybody knows it's terrible?

10:11 AM -- And MSNBC's live feed has a little picture-in-picture in the corner of the well gushing into the Gulf, forever.

10:11 AM -- Joe Barton, meanwhile, is teaching Tony Hayward about the history of Britain and America. Did you know these two countries were once related? Nobody knows how or why, but it seems there are some common roots to these problems, and Joe Barton is "ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday," oh man he is GOING FOR IT.

10:13 AM -- If Joe Barton was president and did this, he would go to jail. He SHOULD go to jail. How dare "British Petroleum" be treated in such a way, by a black president? That ain't how we do it in Texas!

10:14 AM -- Tony Hayward is looking about as uncomfortable as hell, listening to wingnut Joe Barton.

10:15 AM -- Hahaha, Joe Barton is leaving in America. "I don't want to live in a country ... that does a shakedown." Oh we need the full quote on this, because motherfucking Joe Barton is moving back to communist Russia. HE SAID HE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE IN AMERICA, FOR REALS!

10:17 AM -- Good lord, Bart Stupak talks *exactly* like the default Macintosh computer voice. "Fitter, happier, more productive ...."

10:18 AM -- Somebody shut Stupak up quick, or we're going to start making chess moves.

10:19 AM -- ROOK TO E 5.

10:22 AM -- And ... MSNBC cuts him off. "Quiet, robot man!"

10:24 AM -- Let's try CNN. Much bigger underwater well gusher video! And ... John King turns off Burgess' mic.

10:25 AM -- And here's a hologram of Jessica.

10:29 AM -- How are the markets reacting? They are reacting poorly, but to the terrible housing data. Pier 1 Imports is up, so that means America is buying some bamboo shit for the patio again?

10:30 AM -- And Mike Bloomberg will match Warren Buffett's billionaire charity giveaway thing, so expect your check any day now!

10:31 AM -- Let's check CSPAN, which has the dignity to not upstage these gross old congresspeople with that sexy gushing oil-well video.

10:35 AM -- Oh bring it, Virginia Foxx ... wait, what is she even talking about?

10:35 AM -- CSPAN 1, why not show the Hayward Show? Where the hell is CSPAN 3, anyway?

10:35 AM -- Ugh, Walnuts is barking on the CSPAN Senate channel. He has no idea this oil spill even happened. Otherwise he would be Twittering "solutions," to Snooki.

10:37 AM -- Nobody will let these brave House members read stuff! Oh wait, MSNBC is back on the feed, but now with the BIGGEST, SEXIEST OIL GUSHER UNDERWATER UPSKIRT VIDEO EVER.

11:02 AM -- We took a coffee break. We are not Small People. We wish to have our lives back. We are Bart Stupak-brand word processors.

11:09 AM -- Well, nobody's running audio from the hearings, so we'll come back later when "the good part" begins. We will start a new liveblog, at that time!

Concerned (but powerless)

An empowered and informed member of society

(Pragmatism not idealism)

Will not cry in public ....

11:30 AM -- OKAY PEOPLE WE GOT A NEW LIVEBLOG RIGHT OVER HERE.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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