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If you haven't heard, Iran retaliated last night for Donald Trump's dumbass, poorly thought out targeted killing of Maj. Gen. Qasem Soleimani. Today, Donald Trump will respond to the strike and tell us his Iran plans and make us all feel better and haha just kidding, we just said Trump has "plans" and implied Donald Trump will "make us all feel better."

Anyway, Donald Trump is going to address the nation in just a few minutes. We should liveblog his stupid idiot face, we guess.


Special Report: Trump Makes Statement On Iran Missile Attack | NBC News (Live Stream) www.youtube.com

11:05: Surprise, he is late. Maybe last night's Big Macs launched a retaliatory strike on Trump's poophole, if you know what we mean, and we think you do, because that joke was remarkably literal.

11:14: STILL LATE.

Remember when Obama was late all the time but it was OK because when he finally arrived he was smart and well-spoken and sexxxy and good?

This is not that.

This is like being roped into going on a blind date with somebody who smells like raw sewage but you did it as a favor for somebody you care about, dunno why they asked you to do this, but anyway, the raw sewage person is late for the date you don't actually want to go on.

11:20: PREVIEW OF ACTUAL (NOT ACTUAL) TRUMP SPEECH:

"We are only here today because I got a weener stiffy in my grundle and bombed the shit out of the second most powerful guy in Iran. That was pretty dumb!"

11:26: PREVIEW OF ACTUAL (NOT ACTUAL) TRUMP SPEECH:

"Hey remember how a few weeks ago, Iranians were literally in the streets protesting their bad government, but now they are romance married to their government again because of my poor decisions? Wow!"

Anyway, all the idiots just walked out and so did Dipshit.

11:28: HERE WE GO!

TRUMP: Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of al Qaeda, and a terrorist who's responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women, and children.

11:30: Blah blah blah Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon, and will never have a nuclear weapon, even though I pulled out of the Iran deal that Iran was complying with, and now because of what I did, Iran has announced its intentions to stop complying with what was left of the nuclear deal, I am bad and I should feel bad.

Anyway, Soleimani was bad.

11:32: Blah blah I still don't understand that the money Iran got back as part of the nuke deal was actually THEIR MONEY, THEIR OWN UNFROZEN ASSETS.

Trump just said GIIIIIINA should also pull out of the Iran deal, because Iran did the terrorism and Iran said "death to America," etc.

Trump says he's going to ask NATO for help with this, because of how he's always been so nice to NATO and is in such a position to ask NATO to help prop up his fuckups.

11:36: Trump have big missile but Trump dunnot want to use big missile! Also he killed the head of ISIS, which reminds him of another thing he wanted to say, which is "Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of al Qaeda, and a terrorist who's responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women, and children," except for how he will never be able to say that, because that's what Barack Obama was doing with one hand behind his back while Obama made fun of Trump at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

And that's it!

And the fucker actually didn't take questions, which, all things considered, including the status of the president's brain, is probably wise.

They probably promised him more Big Macs.

Anyway, while that might have looked like Trump's statement on Iran, it was not his statement on Iran. That will come later, when he gets a poop cramp while tweeting.

The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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