Liveblogging Vegas: The Sleepiest Debate
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to hear a dull debate REALLY LOUD? Well, that's what we're experiencing here tonight in the beautiful warehouse attached to some auditorium where, maybe, the Democratic debate is happening right now. Other than Mumbly Joe yelling something about the fun new video game "Race Base," nothing of interest has happened. Oh, except Barry Obama just said his worst quality is he has a messy desk or lost his pen or something. Jesus fuck, did he just get that out of one of those "change your career" books?
6:28 PM -- One of our fine commenters just called my computer "ratty." That's the kind of crap I have to deal with, every day, and that is my worst quality.
6:28 PM -- Ha ha, Hillary is a "product of the changes that have already occurred." Everybody have two complete drinks, because that's the only way that might make sense.
6:29 PM -- Maybe we could just keep George Bush Jr. in office. Who cares, right?
6:30 PM -- No, wait, this three-way race needs to be settled by Wrestling.
6:31 PM -- Damn right "we see the failures," Hillary.
6:33 PM -- Barry made a joke. Something about praising George W. Bush for always being on time.
6:33 PM -- Oh shit, Brian Williams reads all those crazy e-mails we send to NBC News.
6:34 PM -- If you're keeping track, the guy who swore to destroy America using Thomas Jefferson's Koran was Dick Cheney, not Barack Obama.
6:39 PM -- NOW THE CANDIDATES WILL ASK EACH OTHER RISQUE DATING QUESTIONS.
6:40 PM -- Oh my god, the foreigners are buying up the shitty failed U.S. banks. That's our heritage!
6:41 PM -- Everybody knows only America gets to buy and control everything all over the world. Jesus, what's wrong with you idiot foreigners? Oh, you're all rich? And America is broke? Oh, well okay ....
6:42 PM -- By the way, I'm going on a fun-filled Vegas Foreclosure Stucco Ghetto tour tomorrow. I sort of know this real estate market pretty well. If any of the candidates would like to join me, just write to firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll get right back to you.
6:42 PM -- It sure would be interesting if just one of these motherfuckers told the truth about the housing market. Something along these lines: "When house prices are back to 2002 levels, the market will have settled."
6:45 PM -- Ha ha ha, we are losing the satellite signal. The debate is happening in person mere yards away from where I'm typing, yet we're losing the satellite signal.
6:46 PM -- It's so cute when Tim Russert says "po' folk."
6:50 PM -- Somebody turned down the audio a leetle teeny tiny bit. Thanks!
6:51 PM -- Ha ha, some guy in a suit just walked directly over to my desk and asked, "Is that sound better?" He had to say it twice, because we couldn't really hear him, because it's still so loud. But now I know the Nevada Democratic Party is reading this website. If I die in a weird car crash or something tonight, please don't accept the cops' initial report.
6:52 PM -- Nevada really doesn't deserve a caucus, does it? I used to live in Nevada. Way up north. Nice country, high desert. Too bad the entire state is a stucco migrant camp for idiots and scam artists.
6:53 PM -- Let's take a look at some other news, or maybe check out Boing Boing. I bet there are some fun posts about robots and sci-fi nostalgia.
6:54 PM -- Why look at this, it's an exoskeleton for farmers!
6:55 PM -- Whoa, something made of Legos.
6:55 PM -- This one is actually pretty wild: Military jets chase giant UFO over Texas.
6:58 PM -- Speaking of unexplained lights, there are apparently little lights the candidates can see. The lights supposedly tell these three when to shut up. But nobody pays attention.
6:59 PM -- JOHN EDWARDS: You two are frauds who take dirty money from the dirty dirty companies. Why are you such dirty frauds? My question is, why so fraudy?
7:00 PM -- BARRY OBAMA: I can just sort of talk that one out until everyone has forgotten the subject.
7:01 PM -- HILLARY CLINTON: I will use my question to sort of complain about Bush and Iraq, even though none of us are talking about that.
7:02 PM -- I cannot do this for another hour.
7:14 PM -- Or can I? New post, new thread, new hope for America ....