Liveblogging Washington State & Hawaii
Dilemma: Hawaii is so far away that everyone on the East Coast will die of alcohol poisoning before the caucus results are announced (at 7 p.m. Hawaiian Time and 1 a.m. Eastern Time). Also: Washington state Democrats have a primary, but the results don't count. WTF? The solution is to pace yourself, maybe have a cup of (Irish) coffee between your "real" beverages of choice. Just like the Hillary campaign, we are in it for the long haul, we are fired up, even though we know, ultimately, that we will lose.
11:07 PM -- Uh, gunshot in the Ohio hall where Hillary spoke tonight. Live on CNN!
11:08 PM -- Oh wait it was just the people "cleaning up."
11:08 PM -- Another Hillary loss, another Hillary speech with no congratulations for Barry Obama.
11:09 PM -- And yes we know about Chris Matthews losing his mind on MSNBC; video king Ian Schwartz is on the case.
11:11 PM -- JOHN MCCAIN IS WINNING WASHINGTON STATE!
11:12 PM -- That's with 8% of the vote counted.
11:12 PM -- Barack Obama won the Washington state caucus, which happened February 9, so there's a pointless "beauty contest" for the Democrats in the "grunge state" tonight, and Barack is winning that one, too, by 2%.
11:14 PM -- Ha ha, Bernstein and Paul Begala are laughing about how McCain's "victory" speech was just a sleepy old nut talking to 30 people who were actually playing with their cell phones.
11:16 PM -- John McCain won Washington! Somebody wake up grandpa and tell him!
11:20 PM -- Hillary's now ahead in the Washington Beauty Contest, by 1%. Who knew she could win such a contest against a handsome young word-talker like Obama!
11:24 PM -- Lanny Davis is on Fox News right now, giving Hillary some much-needed weak Obama attacks to Sean Hannity's elderly bedridden viewers.
11:29 PM -- Wait, is that Blood Red Moon Eclipse tonight? Because the Moon is not doing much over here, outside our window.
11:30 PM -- Barack won overwhelming majorities of every demographic except for "bitter middle-aged liberal women who always bum everybody out, even at a child's birthday party, because cake is part of the institutionalized misogynist order."
11:31 PM -- Did we mention the CNN view of the McCain "victory party" when Washington state was called for the old crazy person? The room was completely empty. All 30 people went to bed when Grandpa Nutsy went to bed. (And his wife Cindy moves stealthily from hotel room to hotel room, collecting Rx bottles.)
11:33 PM -- Back to CNN: What is happening to David Gergen's comb-over? It's coming alive!
11:36 PM -- All the cable networks are dumping 10-minute blocks of commercials right now. Maybe we should check .... the Ron Paul Forums!
11:37 PM -- Ha ha ha, "senior citizens" sure like that what's his name, that one man who looks familiar, because he is also so old. He won 65% of the senior vote in Wisconsin. Coincidence?
11:40 PM -- Okay here are some highlights from the "Win Wisconsin" discussion on Ron Paul Forums:
* What The Hell???? How in the hell can they predict McCain the winner of Wisconsin (CNN) 3 minutes after the poles close????
* Two words: Exit Polls.
* 4 words! The fix is IN !!
* No one here had exit polls. I haven't seen any exit polls at all here. There don't even have any numbers up there. How do they know that people voted the way they say they did and weren't just trying to pull some crap on them. Now they are going on what people say and not even waiting to count the votes?>?????? something is not right with this. first off, my husband nor I were asked for any kind of indentification at all which doesn't sound right to me. Now this.... Something is not right here.
* McWar is already giving his "victory speech". He started 5 minutes after the polls closed. They knew what the results of the vote would be beforehand. This is getting to be absurd.
* yeah McCain at 83% Huckabee 11% with 0 % reporting!!!!!! HUH???
11:43 PM -- Obama's win in Wisconsin was bigger than the entire GOP turnout.
11:44 PM -- Ha ha, on CNN they're laughing about how Hillary was beaten so badly, nobody from her campaign is even sending emails to CNN trying to spin the defeat.
11:45 PM -- Oh boy Larry King will be on soon, "live." He will have funnyman Jon Stewart on the teevee! But tomorrow, not tonight. Tonight: A panel will discuss the primary.
11:49 PM -- This video, from earlier tonight, sort of sums up Hillary's new strategy: Thank everyone in the state you're currently visiting -- including all 700 members of the Marching Band -- but don't ever mention how you're getting your ass kicked nationwide.
11:49 PM -- Suzanne Malveaux is in Honolulu! She is wearing a festive tropical pink crochet sweater!
11:50 PM -- Giggle giggle, Anderson Cooper jokes how Suzanne will be happy to stay in Hawaii forever, she giggles, possibly in shame.
11:58 PM -- Now CNN is talking about Cuba and the Death Satellite.
MIDNIGHT -- Larry King's on the teevee! He is hacking and going "hyah hyah hyah."
12:01 AM -- Wolf Blitzer is so tired, but now he's got to sit here and explain arcane state primary/caucus rules to Larry King, who is thinking about a nice sandwich.
12:03 AM -- John King is doing his magic computer map deals, which are weirdly fascinating at this late, sleepy hour.
12:04 AM -- In fact, the Obama Win Map is starting to look a little like the old Jesusland map of 2004, but he's got the Red States. Of course he's got the Dem side of those states.
12:05 AM -- Speaking of Ron Paul, your editor just got another comment e-mailed to him regarding his column about Ron Paul from two or three weeks ago: "Nice try dipshit. You aren't getting rid of us that easy. Go Ron Paul!!!"
12:09 AM -- It's still lunchtime in Hawaii! How about some nice pineapple salmon?
12:13 PM -- "It's over," says some guy, Democrat, on Larry King. "Somebody has to tell Bill and Hillary Clinton."
12:20 AM -- Our buddy David Weigel writes at Reason.com tonight: "In 2004, when there was no Republican race in Wisconsin, 828,364 people voted in the Democratic primary. Tonight more than a million people will have voted in the Democratic primary and less than 400,000 will have voted in the GOP primary. I'm increasingly thinking that Republicans handed McCain the nomination knowing that a Republican won't win this year. It's like a gold watch, except that it will explode after everyone else leaves the room."
12:31 AM -- Back to MSNBC. New study proves Wisconsin says Hillary is mean!
12:32 AM -- Tim Russert is bravely carrying the fatigue of our entire nation.
12:38 AM -- Chris Matthews is back! "Barack O-Brama" is the man's new name.
12:38 AM -- Obama took 62% of independent voters in Wisconsin.
12:39 AM -- "White working-class voters" (under $50K household income) split evenly between Barry and Hill.
12:40 AM -- Wisconsin old people and uneducated people still just barely voted for Hillary.
12:41 AM -- Oh boy it's Joe Scarborough and Pat Buchanan on the teevee now! Maybe we will switch from wine to whisky.
12:42 AM -- Meanwhile, let's have another nice bottle of Claret.
12:43 AM -- MITT ROMNEY WON 2% IN WISCONSIN! RON PAUL IS STILL BEATING SOMEONE!
12:44 AM -- Obama's back in the lead in Washington state, where it doesn't matter, except it does because now Obama can claim ten straight wins. It's 50%-47% now.
12:45 AM -- But Mitt Romney's kicking Ron Paul's ass in Washington state! Mitt's got 20% now! (Ron Paul's got 7%.)
12:54 AM -- Why do we torture ourselves with National Review Online's "The Corner"?
12:55 AM -- So we can enjoy tortured bullshit like this, that's why!
I don't know how Barak Obama's parents met. But the Kincaid article referenced above makes a very convincing case that Obama's family, later, (mid 1970s) in Hawaii, had close relations with a known black Communist intellectual.
12:56 AM -- Soon the Hawaii Thing Will Conclude, maybe.
12:57 AM -- Oh dear fucking christ why does anyone allow David Frum on the teevee? STOP PROMOTING CANADIAN SOCIALISM!
12:58 AM -- Let's find some funny pictures, while they talk about "nut control" on CNN.
1:00 AM -- Here's some chicken innards.
1:01 AM -- Obama is currently beating Clinton 57%-42% in Wisconsin, where 69% of the precincts are reporting. (OH DEAR CHRIST THEY ARE JUST REPEATING RESULTS FROM HOURS AGO NOW.)
1:01 AM -- McCain gets the delegates, but he barely got half the votes.
1:05 AM -- CNN is repeating the Anderson Cooper / Candy Crowley show from hours ago. Chris Matthews is on repeat on MSNBC. Fox News has ... an old Bill O'Reilly program with Bill O'Reilly yelling at some black people?
1:07 AM -- So the results aren't live, either. We are all stuck in a terrible death loop. CAN SOMEONE FROM HAWAII EMAIL YOUR EDITOR RIGHT NOW?
1:19 AM -- Still no numbers from Hawaii, 19 minutes after the caucus ended.
1:20 AM -- But Hillary supposedly called Barry after the speeches.
2:14 AM -- Sorry, even the Larry King Live is repeating now. We will go back to the front page and see if we can get some Hawaii results, at least from our very objective readers.