Liveblogging What Should Be Democracy's Most Boring Day But Isn't Because Donald Trump Is A Crybaby Loser

Liveblogging What Should Be Democracy's Most Boring Day But Isn't Because Donald Trump Is A Crybaby Loser

We cannot believe we are liveblogging the day's events on the day when Congress meets to certify the states' electors for president. This is supposed to take five minutes, and then everybody is supposed to be home by the afternoon to watch whichever channel is doing an "SVU" marathon.

Instead, there is a hilariously poorly attended rally on the Ellipse in front of the White House, called Save America First Again (or something), where luminaries like Donald Trump Jr. are crying about their Instagram likes and Rudy Giuliani is saying he's willing to stake his "reputation" (LOL) on showing us all in the next 10 days (you betcha!) how all the voting machines secretly turned White America's votes for Donald Trump into fraud votes for Joe Biden. He says now we're going to have "trial by combat" to steal the election for Trump. Really.

Here's Rudy making his entrance into the small event with "Macho Man" playing. Yup.

Oh yes, and Donald Trump spoke. He called the normal counting of votes "explosions of bullshit," and his pig turd supporters jizzed all over each other and excitedly chanted "bullshit! bullshit! bullshit!" because they like it when Dear Leader says a cuss.

We guess "explosions of bullshit" is Trump's name for "counting the votes of Black people."

Trump of course also pressured Mike Pence to do "the right thing," even though the only "right thing" Pence is constitutionally allowed to do today is sit there and look stupid while presiding over the counting of the votes.

So yes, today, some Republicans in Congress are going to try to overturn the results of the election, and it won't work, and at the end of the day, Donald Trump will be a giant fucking loser, just like he was last night in Georgia, just like he was all the nights before that since November 3, just like every day of his sad misbegotten "presidency," just like he has every day since June 14, 1946, which will be forever known in history as the day Mary Trump trusted a fart and inadvertently birthed Donald.

And we are liveblogging it. All day. Shoot us now.

12:57: It should be noted that what these Republicans are doing today is turning the day's events into a superspreader event, even though most of them are wearing masks.

In case you missed the news, Joe Biden is nominating Merrick Garland as his attorney general, which is a nice fuck you to Mitch McConnell after the night's events in Georgia. Also, Merrick Garland is viewed as a VERY even keel kinda guy, therefore if he wants to prosecute Donald Trump, it will be viewed as VERY even keel and serious.

Here is GOP Senator Todd Young getting yelled at by morons this morning at the Save The Idiot rally, because he's not participating in the coup:

1:02: Mike Pence has sent a letter to Congress explaining that he is very sorry, but Mother the Constitution says he cannot do any coups today.

1:08: Some GOP idiot from Virginia whining because they're only allowed to have 11 people from each side on the floor at a time (because COVID) and HOW CAN WE OBJECT TO DEMOCRACY IF WE ARE NOT ON THE FLOOR? Mike Pence says according to the law, in joint session, there is no debate, and his question amounts to "debate," so shut up.

1:10: Nobody objects to Alabama or Alaska because they are for Dear Leader, so OK, we will count those!

Arizona coming, good Lord.

1:12:Congressdentist Paul Gosar OBJECTS to Arizona, and Ted Cruz agrees! Having gotten Republicans from both houses to bitch and moan, the GOP House members will go shit on the Constitution while Ted Cruz goes and jerks off into soup cans, ALLEGEDLY.

There was a standing ovation from GOP idiots, for these people trying to destroy democracy.

Nothing will change, the outcome will not change, and Mike Pence is not playing along.

1:23: Over there in the House, Steve Scalise gets up to whine a lot about states coming up with their own elections laws in ways he does not like, which resulted in Black people voting a lot, which is unacceptable. (Not his exact words, we are just cutting out all the euphemisms he's using and getting to the white supremacist heart of it. This is also what every objection will be, for every state. Meanwhile, they will not object to any of the elections that re-elected their own selves, or states where enough Democratic votes were suppressed to give Dear Leader wins. That is not the point of today's exercise.)

1:26: Meanwhile, the fucking psychos are trying to take the Capitol.

1:28: Note of course that Steve Scalise at no point tried to allege that the voters of Arizona did not choose Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

Zoe Lofgren rises for the Democrats to call Republicans a bunch of anti-American fuckstains. She is of course saying it nicer than that, but again, we are translating.

1:31: Meanwhile, MSNBC moves over to the Senate, where Mitch McConnell is in the very strange and uncomfortable position of defending democracy, LOL this must be just the worst for him.

"President Trump claims the election was stolen," he says. He notes that the morons have come together with LOTS of objections and conspiracy theories and every court, including "all-star judges" nominated by Trump, have said go fuck yourself with a rolled up copy of the Constitution, since you're not reading it obviously.

1:34: MCCONNELL: "We cannot simply declare ourselves the national board of elections on steroids." GOD, this is like his worst day ever! "This election was not unusually close," says McConnell, continuing to say true things. "The Electoral College margin is almost idential to what it was in 2016!" (It is not identical because Trump actually only received 304 electoral votes, not 306 like Joe Biden did.)

1:35: McConnell noting that if we say the Electoral College is bad, then there'll BE no Electoral College, and then when would Republicans win an election? NO THEY NEVER!

1:37: "There can be no double standards," says Mitch McConnell, out loud, with his mouth, not even smirking a little bit. Says if Republicans do this, they are just like dirty Democrats who wouldn't recognize Trump's flawless victory in 2016. Russia got him that popular vote loss/Electoral College squeaker fair and square, y'all!

1:41: CHUCK SCHUMER: What Mitch said, except all the bullshit lie parts. BRB getting T-shirts made that say "Majority Leader."

1:44: Glad Schumer is using words like "insurrection" and "coup." He should try calling the GOP the "Ba'ath Party" or "ISIS" or something, could be fun.

1:48: SCHUMER: These dillweeds took an oath to protect America against enemies foreign AND DOMESTIC like five minutes ago. They promised TO GOD. Maybe they should keep that in mind, dumb fuckers.

1:49: Oh good, here comes Ted Cruz to convince us all that democracy is not good after all. Because 39 percent of Americans (are stupid and) believe the election was rigged. He says it's not just Republicans who think that! Also 31 percent of independents! (Trump voters)

Because when Americans THINK a stupid thing, we should act like they are probably right and do a coup just to be sure.

1:52: Blah blah blah "10 day emergency audit, consider the evidence," because the paste-eating morons who think the election was #RIGGED because Donald Trump lied and said it was would obviously believe it when that commission finds, like everybody else did, that there wasn't any fraud.

This is lame.

Also nobody has said anything about how Arizona's voters DID NOT elect Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. Weird!

1:57: Chuck Todd was VERY starbursts in his underwear about Mitch McConnell's speech. "OMG BOTH SIDES DO IT!" he seems to be saying, and he means that in a sexxx way.


2:07: Meanwhile, outside:


Trump was supposedly going to go storm the Capitol himself, but probably decided against it because "stairs."

Then again Trump doesn't need to do that. He did the arson, now he can go hide in the bunker if he needs to.

2:12: And Jake Sherman just reported that they are getting messages to stay away from windows and doors, stay inside, there is an "exterior threat," yep.

Hey, by the way, in case anybody is still unclear, the human garbage outside is who was making this summer's racial justice protests violent. This is who.

Which, if we get through today, we think maybe they might face some justice at some point, considering how incoming attorney general Merrick Garland literally oversaw the Oklahoma City bombing prosecution. He doesn't suffer white supremacist violence.

2:15: And now they just pulled Mike Pence out of the Senate chamber REALLY fast. This is great. This is Donald Trump's America.

2:24: Basically everything is at a standstill, there are apparently protesters outside the Senate chamber, Nancy Pelosi was rushed away, members of Congress are being told to shelter in place, and this is all happening because an illegitimate president and his insurgent party have incited this.

2:27: And here comes more gasoline from the arsonist, three minutes ago:

2:33: This guy is probably gonna become a moderate Democrat before too long.

Meanwhile, there are literally protesters walking through Statuary Hall, just outside the House chamber, members of Congress are being told to go under their desks, and the mayor of DC instituted a 6 p.m. curfew.

We're guessing those protesters didn't all go through security. We are witnessing something astounding and horrific.

Oh yeah, the House went back into session for a sec, but that's over now.

2:38: Look who's trying to put out the fire all of a sudden.

Fuck you, un-American garbage.

MSNBC reporting the Senate has officially been ordered to evacuate.

2:40: And now the arsonist, with a teeny tiny fire extinguisher:

Ohhhhhhhhhhh go fuck yourself.

2:51: There is now apparently an armed standoff happening outside the House. An armed standoff happening outside the House. We repeat, an armed standoff happening outside the House.

Nancy Pelosi has requested the DC National Guard, but MSNBC's Garrett Haake reports that because that's a change of mission, it has to be run through the Department of Defense, which is currently run by ... the idiots Trump installed after he fired the professionals.

3:01: Don't know details yet but paramedics just took out a woman who appears to be covered in blood from the Capitol. So that's where we are.

All these people should be charged as terrorists.

3:06: Protesters literally on the Senate floor.

Meanwhile, Alyssa Farah, who used to be a comms person at the Trump White House, is tweeting out like Mr. President, MAKE IT STOP!

Sorry, but really don't want to hear from people who were complicit in making today's terrorist siege of the US Capitol happen.

3:17: I mean, this wasn't not on our bingo card.



3:23: Getty Images is starting to post some really fuckin' incredible pictures, y'all. Look at them and pretend they're not about America!

3:30: Meanwhile on Fox News:

3:37: MSNBC reporting that Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam is sending in the Virginia National Guard to help.

Here's some more video of the terrorists for you:

3:39: Good God, there is nothing more pathetic than white men who think they've been scorned.

Also many Confederate flags seen. You know, because these terrorists are trying to protect "America."

Here is another GOP rep mildly begging Donald Trump to put out the fire Donald Trump started.

3:44: Another of the arsonists that should be taken into custody.

3:48: The Secretary General of NATO needs to comment on what is happening in America right now.


By the way, if you've been wondering why it's taking so long for the National Guard to show up, and so forth, the terrorists just gave the Democrats a really good excuse to make DC a state immediately. Part of the problem is that EVERYTHING in DC has to go through all kinds of bureaucracy. If it was a state, it woulda been a phone call from the governor.


Probably need an investigation at some point soon into who on the Capitol Police was pretty much OK with this happening today.

3:52: Wonder what's happening in the White House? Maggie Haberman got the answer, and it is "nothing."

He simply CAN'T stop the terrorist attack, because he's mad at Mike Pence!

ABC News's John Santucci reports that Chris Christie has been trying to get in touch with Trump for 25 minutes and cannot.

Oh, and an explosive was found and safely detonated at the Republican National Committee.


4:01: They've been traitors for a real long time, y'all.

4:06: Here's Joe Biden already being president and addressing the nation as it's under attack.

Pres.-elect Joe Biden Delivers Remarks as Congress Counts Electoral College Votes | LIVE |

4:14: Ooh Mittens MAD today.

Maryland and Virginia National Guards on their way. They'll fix this.

4:17: And Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, has approved the DC National Guard. You know, until Trump calls it off because somebody called him a loser and it made him mad.

4:20: Oh my God, this is Trump's "message" telling people to "stop."

Just watch it.

Stupid pig.

4:29: By the way, today's session started around 1 p.m., which means it took Donald Trump three hours to release a video saying his followers are "special" and he loves them and the election was stolen from them, "it was a landslide election, everyone knows it, especially the other side," but they need to go home now. Actually, they need to stay right where they are so they can all be taken into custody. You don't get to commit armed insurrection and "go home."

By the way, look up there at the label Twitter slapped on THAT one from Trump.

4:33: Oh by the way, the networks started calling the second Georgia runoff for Jon Ossoff while America was busy being under siege by redneck terrorists.

Also this:

4:36: TFW fucking Turkeyis like "Hey America, you guys, do democracy better!"

4:43: You guys, is this a good response we made to this Ted Cruz tweet?

4:59: Not many updates right now, but the terrorists haven't been removed yet, because they're not peaceful Black protesters doing candlelight vigils, therefore we guess the cops just aren't that scared.

5:11: Lots of tear gas and flash grenades at the Capitol right now.

You'll know they're serious when they start throwing Buy-One-Get-One-Free coupons to the Cracker Barrel.

5:30: Yr Dok Zoom is now taking over the livebloog, and we just spent a few minutes listening to Lou Dobbs on Fox Business saying how much he sympathizes with the "protesters, demonstrators, and in some cases, rioters" who are understandably outraged that Donald Trump had his election stolen from him. It's really obscene. But he's very pleased that Trump told the armed seditionists to please go home.

5:35: Dobbs is now explaining that American patriots are justifiably angry at the Democratic state governments who did nasty things in the vote shed, and also the Supreme Court, which totally failed to fix the election and make Donald Trump.

And hey, look at this lady who is very sad she got maced, when all she did was a little "storming the Capitol" for a "revolution."

5:40: Holy shit:

5:52: Well goddamn it.

5:55: Say,New York Times, we think we can probably guess why it was Pence who authorized deployment of the National Guard in DC, not Trump.

So where the fuck are they?

6:00: Curfew Time, and we'll keep an eye on whether that really changes much of anything.

Lou Dobbs signs off after saying again how amazed he is that conservatives are acting like common leftists, and he figures maybe people got the idea because police didn't crack down brutally enough on protests all summer, and that set a bad example.

6:13: Reuters reporting that the FBI defused two "suspected explosive devices" at the Capitol today.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump earned himself another no retweets/no replies/no likes from Twitter for his calming message of peace telling his personal rioters that their actions are completely justified, but please go home, sure.

Update: looks like Twitter finally deleted it. Here's a copy, sans the warning text Twitter added.

6:20: A useful reminder:

6:35: Stands to reason that the "busloads of Antifa" story would make an appearance today, in this case from the attorney general of the state of Texas.

Fucking Ken Paxton. But as far as we know, the only rioters we know of who came to DC on a bus were accompanied by a West Virginia state legislator:

Reddit later featured video of Mr. Evans and his patriot friends literally breaking into the Capitol.

6:45: Nancy Pelosi has called on the House to get back to certifying the vote tonight, once it's safe, because that's the job.

6:55: and now MSNBC reporting that the electoral certification will resume at 8 Eastern.

7:08: A GOP source close to Donald Trump says what we've all known for years.

7:13: Twitter announcing it's locking Donald Trump's account and won't let him back on until 12 hours after he removes his most batshit tweets from today.

7:17: Oh, wait, there's more:

7:22: In case you were wondering about whether the seditionists who terrorized members of the Congress of the United States will face arrest or serious charges:

Or maybe the Capitol police took their names and numbers, for later. You never know.

7:27: Rand Paul almost gets it, fretting that if the Electoral College were abolished, it would become impossible for the presidency to be won by a despised minority party.

7:40: Rand Paul at it a bit more, telling pool reporters the Senate has lost its appetite for challenging any more states' electors.

And that now isn't the time to squabble over who killed who, because this should be a happy time.

7:44: Aaand here's one House Republican saying she will no longer play the Shenanigans game, either:

7:59: Look at James Mattis here!

8:05: My conspiracy theory: Melania's press secretary resigned not in protest of the violence, but because she's the only one who knows the password to the @FLOTUS account, effectively locking Donald out of the first alternate Twitter platform he could go with.

8:10: Senate back in session, and Mike Pence tells Trump supporting mob that they will not win by violence. Apart from achieving exactly the kind of chaos Trump and most of the GOP have been encouraging.

8:15: McConnell gave a speech saying this shit is terrible, congress will not be deterred, and we WILL certify the results of this election.

(Also, hi, this is Liz!)

8:17: Chuck Schumer says this shit will not stand, and these "rioters and insurrectionists, goons and thugs, domestic terrorists" will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

8:20: Schumer is FUCKING PISSED, blames Trump for encouraging this mob.

Factcheck: TRUE.

8:25: Oklahoma Senator James Lankford (R-Preachin-n-Prayin) says the violence is terrible, he is shocked, he tells ya, shocked that people would interpret the president's calls for violence as a call for violence!

Transitions seam-fully to questioning the integrity of the election. But mostly gets the hell out.

8:28: Nevada Dem Catharine Cortez Masto is up, and she's reading her colleagues for filth. This violence is the consequence of feckless assholes pretending the election was stolen for political gain. This means you, Josh Hawley!

8:31: Evan here to say it was time for a new liveblog becuse this one is TOO LONG. However, the one Liz is writing in now is JUST RIGHT.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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