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Liveblogging Your Next President Donald Trump's CPAC Speech

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Woah! It is that guy with the money from that Joan Rivers show! Sure, we'll liveblog this.

3:34 PM — Huge cheer. Of course he comes into his teevee show theme song.

3:36 PM — Trump says he will decide on running for president by June. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney walks into the room (!!!), and the room suddenly gets chillier.

3:40 PM — Trump now talking about China. He is mystifying these attendees by knowing names of countries that aren't the U.S.! Foreign policy bona fides!

3:42 PM — YEAH! SHIT ON OPEC! WOO!

3:44 PM — Trump says OPEC better lower prices or else.

3:45 PM — Trump shitting on Ron Paul. Paultards boo, everyone else cheers. Haha. Says Paul has no chance. The stool is falling apart!

3:47 PM — "I'm also well acquainted with winning." "I'm pro-life." That's all you need.

3:48 PM — Trump wants to take money from other countries rather than tax people. What?

3:48 PM — And that's it. Again, what?

3:49 PM — Trump has security guards, thankfully. Paultards can't kidnap him and put him in the blimp.

3:53 PM — Trump's plan: "Tax" other countries, but have fair trade. Make OPEC lower prices or bomb them. A pragmatic approach to foreign policy, we guess.

3:53 PM — This woman loved Trump so much she almost made out with the teevee:

Alright, that's it. Rand Paul on now. Cheney(!) will be up soon to introduce Don Rumsfeld.

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Roger Stone, you got some 'splainin' to do, Mister! Remember all those times Stone swore on his Nixon tattoo that he never had any contact with Russians, wasn't a campaign surrogate, and wasn't tipped off to stolen DNC emails in advance? Like that time he told the Washington Post:

"I've never been to Russia. I didn't talk to anybody who was identifiably Russian during the two-year run-up to this campaign," he said. "I very definitely can't think of anybody who might have been a Russian without my knowledge. It's a canard."

Stone told the House Intelligence Committee the same thing last September, but, LOL FUNNY STORY! Seems that Stone just plum forgot about that time in May, 2016 when Trump communications advisor Michael Caputo asked him to meet with Henry Greenberg, "a man with a Make America Great Again hat and a viscous Russian accent." The Washington Post reports, Greenberg was offering sexxxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton, which Stone and Caputo were only too happy to grab by the pussy. But they just couldn't get there!

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Congressman Beto O'Rourke, who hopes to replace Ted Cruz in the US Senate this fall, is one of several Texas and El Paso leaders participating in a march to the just-opened tent city at the US/Mexico border in Tornillo, Texas, where children have already been imprisoned "placed."

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