Lo, Unto Us A Robert Mueller Trump-Russia Grand Jury Is Born!

Mama said knock you out

Tell us something that will send starbursts up our inner thighs and make us say HOOHAH, Wall Street Journal!


The grand jury, which began its work in recent weeks, is a sign that Mr. Mueller’s inquiry is ramping up and that it will likely continue for months. [...]

Ty Cobb, special counsel to the president, said he wasn’t aware that Mr. Mueller had started using a new grand jury. “Grand jury matters are typically secret,” Mr. Cobb said. “The White House favors anything that accelerates the conclusion of his work fairly.…The White House is committed to fully cooperating with Mr. Mueller.”

That's right, because the president and all the friends, family and Russian spies who surround him at all times are innocent! Good thing Mueller impaneled this grand jury just to make EXTRY SURE everybody is as squeaky clean as they seem!

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders also has weighed in, with a statement every bit as smart as we expect from the Trump White House:


So what does this mean? Well here's one thing it means, from Wonk pal Charlie Pierce over at Esquire:

... [A] thing about grand juries is that you have to show up. You can dodge a congressional subpoena, or finagle your way past an FBI interview, but if a grand jury subpoena gets dropped on you, unless your lawyer is very, very good, your ass is going to be in a chair and Robert Mueller is going to be looking at you.

That's right, fuckers!

But wait! Isn't there already a grand jury in the Eastern District of Virginia, helping to figure out how guilty former national security adviser/literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn is, and also squirreling out all the squirrelly Russian money stuff about squirrelly motherfucker Paul Manafort? Certainly, there is! The WSJ quotes an expert person, 'splaining another thing this grand jury signifies:

“This is yet a further sign that there is a long-term, large-scale series of prosecutions being contemplated and being pursued by the special counsel,” said Stephen I. Vladeck, a law professor at the University of Texas. “If there was already a grand jury in Alexandria looking at Flynn, there would be no need to reinvent the wheel for the same guy. This suggests that the investigation is bigger and wider than Flynn, perhaps substantially so.”

The WSJ also notes that having a grand jury in DC is probably just easier for Mueller, because have you seen the traffic between DC and Alexandria, Virginia? He can ride his unicycle right over to this grand jury, assuming he owns a unicycle and knows how to ride it!

Also this:

This is giving Wonkette so many orgasms, which will continue until Trump figures out a a way to Saturday Night Massacre this whole thing in its crib, at which point we will be full of sadgasms. There's hope on that front too, though. Two bills have been introduced in the Senate, both with Republican co-sponsors (Thom Tillis and Lindsey Graham, each of whom deserves one patriotic-colored sets of Truck Nutz as a token of our appreciation), to protect Mueller's investigation. Something tells us MAYBE they should work on getting them passed REALLY REALLY FAST. Just a hunch.

Now, does this mean Mueller is definitely going to prosecute Trump and every person he has ever met, not counting his youngest son and his grandkids? Not necessarily, but it definitely means we have reached the SRS BSNS stage of this investigation.

We already knew Mueller's investigation was going hardcore balls out after Trump and his associates' Russian money connections, which has spooked the everloving crap out of the president. CNN is out with a report today that has many more details on exactly what they're looking at. You should read it!

There was also news this week that Mueller had hired the most badass lawyer in the world, adding to his existing team of the most badass lawyers in the world, one who specializes in investigating illegal foreign bribes.

So! This is all wonderful and beautiful and good and gives us hope for America.

These are everybody's assignments moving forward:

TO CONGRESS: Get those fucking bills passed, in order to protect Mueller's Trump-Russia investigation.

TO ROBERT MUELLER: You just keep doing what you're doing, baby!

And finally, TO DONALD TRUMP: Keep calm and go directly to jail!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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