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Before we get going here, we just need to say that OF COURSE there was a UB40 bar brawl. This is 2018, and we're doubling down on putting the most patently unqualified whiny ass loser white boy in human history on the Supreme Court, so OF COURSE there is a UB40 bar brawl. Would you be satisfied with anything less? We think not.


According to former Yale student Charles "Chad" Ludington, and according to a police report of the incident, Brettington Boofington Kavanaugh VII was out with his bros for a nice night after the UB40 concert and he got white boy wasted AF, and while at the pub, he and all his friends here like "Hey, that is the lead singer of UB40!" It was not the lead singer of UB40. When the group of well-bred men approached the man, who was not the lead singer of UB40, to more closely examine whether they were in the presence of 1980s reggae pop fame, the guy (who was not the lead singer of UB40) was a little bit like "get out of my ass, dicks," which led young Brettington of Boofington to throw a beer at him and one guy ended up in the hospital and a splendid time was had by all, THE END.

No really, that's pretty much it.

Oh, we forgot, former NBA player Chris Dudley, who is also former Yale b-ball player Chris Dudley, and former 2010 Republican nominee for governor of Oregon, whose full name -- shit you not -- is Chisten Guilford Dudley, was involved. The White House released a statement from Dudley just before this story came out about what a swell guy Brett Kavanaugh is. Timing is hilarious.

The report said that the victim, Dom Cozzolino, "was bleeding from the right ear" and was treated at a hospital. A detective was notified of the incident at 1:20 a.m. [...]

[Mr. Ludington] said that the altercation happened after a UB40 concert on Sept. 25, when he and a group of people went to Demery's and were drinking pints.

At one point, they were sitting near a man who, they thought, resembled Ali Campbell, the lead singer of UB40.

"We're trying to figure out if it's him," he said. When the man noticed Mr. Ludington, Mr. Kavanaugh and the others looking at him, he objected and told them to stop it, adding an expletive, Mr. Ludington said.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, BRAH, I'M NOT FUCKIN' UB40!"

Mr. Kavanaugh cursed, he said, and then "threw his beer at the guy."

Who among us hasn't said "Fiddlesticks!" and launched a Natty Light at some dude's face upon learning he is not in fact UB40?

"The guy swung at Brett," Mr. Ludington continued. At that point, Mr. Dudley "took his beer and smashed it into the head of the guy, who by now had Brett in an embrace. I then tried to pull Chris back, and a bunch of other guys tried to pull the other guy back. I don't know what Brett was doing in the melee, but there was blood, there was glass, there was beer and there was some shouting, and the police showed up."

For real, read the police report. It is very, very weird, and a bunch of Twitter people ended up having a jolly old time last evening reading through the actual names of Brett Kavanaugh's white boy friends. Somehow not even one of them was named Tucker or Swanson or McNear or Carlson, but give this scandal time.

Mr. Ludington didn't come forward because he just wanted us to hear this hilarious college story about Brett Kavanaugh. He specifically said he came forward because Brett Kavanaugh CAN'T STOP LYING TO CONGRESS.

Because, to be clear, this is not about the drinking. While this is perhaps the douchiest, stupidest story we've ever read, at least until the next hilarious story about DrunkAss O'Kavanaugh comes out, if the dude hadn't sat there and lied his ass off about his drinking in Congress, we might be in a different situation. Full disclosure, Wonkette thinks Brett Kavanaugh is a piece of shit and would be against his confirmation no matter what, on its merits. But at least we wouldn't be talking about how the next Supreme Court justice might be a shit-wasted perjurer who lies to Congress constantly about things large and small.

Brett Kavanaugh lying about his high school and college drinking is not small. It's material because it goes right to the question of his behavior when drunk, and whether that behavior often came with aggressive behavior of the sort that involves sexually assaulting women.

All the evidence we have -- ALL OF IT -- is that dude has anger issues and entitlement issues and is just an all around dumbfuck. And all the evidence we have -- ALL OF IT -- is that dude has sexually abused women more than once in his sad life.

Finally, can you imagine what Brett Kavanaugh's angry butthole mouth looked like getting drunkly mad at the "lead singer of UB40," who was actually just some guy? We bet that yucky facehole was puckered TIGHT!

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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