You seem worried, Bro.

...................................... and a mere 11 minutes later,

The Old Man thinks on his feet! The short answer is NO. No, Mueller won't be preambling about his non-existent conflicts of interest. No, he won't be making recommendations about matters entirely unrelated to his investigation. (Besides which, Mueller already referred Podesta to SDNY way back in July.) No, he won't be including statements from all the Trump toadies who didn't swap favors with shady Russians because they were too busy making up lies about vote fraud and shouting LOCK HER UP and boning each other and making little GOP babies with ladies what are not their wife. But feel free to assert the LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE ON MY TEAM WHO DIDN'T COLLUDE defense in court -- juries love that shit.

At the risk of crying wolf, it really does look like something big is coming. So let's prepare with a quick rundown of what's shaking in the Mueller investigation this week.

Manafort's Report Card Comes Out

Ten days ago, Mueller asked the court to give him a 10-day extension on Manafort's status report. Which means that today's the day that the Special Counsel's Office (SCO) says whether Manafort has been naughty or nice. Did he spill the beans on whatever sanctions/email hacking/Ukraine invading/social media disinformation/pee tape fuckery Uncle Vlad offered Trump? Or did he hold back? We'll find out soon.

Lil Papi Gets Fitted For His Orange Jumpsuit

On Wednesday, George Papadopoulos filed the stupidest motion ever in a last ditch effort to avoid reporting to jail this afternoon for lying to the FBI. Which he pleaded guilty to a year ago. After he quit laughing, Judge Randolph Moss told Young George to STFU and pack his toothbrush.

He's still blubbering online, supported by ... Tom Arnold? Because 2018 is the weirdest year ever.

Uhhhh, okay.

Jerome Corsi Done Lost His Damn Mind

AGAIN. But more so. It's possible that King Wingnut was Roger Stone's conduit to Wikileaks. It's also possible that he's been snorting the birther bath salts so long that he can't string together a coherent sentence.

Corsi has been spending a lot of time with the Special Counsel of late, and was reportedly in plea negotiations. But this morning, the One America Network, Fox's doomsday prepper uncle, told us what's REALLY going on.

So Jerome Corsi is going to reject a plea deal opting instead to sue Robert Mueller in the court of Matt Whitaker for something or other? And he's going to write a book about it?

Does he know there's no WiFi in jail?

The only thing this story needs is Qanon.

Dear God!

Corsi told NBC's Anna Schecter,

They want me to say I willfully lied. I'm not going to agree that I lied. I did not. I will not lie to save my life. I'd rather sit in prison and rot for as long as these thugs want me to.

FINE BY US, DUDE. But that will never happen, since every single one of these assholes talks tough right up until the moment they flip and tell Mueller everything they ever did in their miserable, sordid lives. That train is never late!

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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