LOL! Nikki Haley, Chris Christie Think They Could Beat The MAGA Loons In A GOP Primary


If the previous administration was a nightmare from which we're just now waking up, most pre-MAGA Republicans are still living in a dream world. They traded whatever was left of their integrity for easy access to power, yet they're naive enough to believe they can return to the good old days when the “crazies" knew their place. They should ask former House Speaker John Boehner how well that worked out for him, and that was before the one-term loser assumed controlling interest in the GOP.

Former South Carolina Governor and UN Ambassador Nikki Haley still thinks she can win the Republican nomination for president. She's not alone. It's an opinion many moderates hold, along with every Never Trump Republican on a "Morning Joe" panel. These are also the same people who insist we need more Republicans like John McCain and Mitt Romney, which won't happen even if you believed that was a good thing.

Haley is reportedly so bullish on her 2024 chances, she's already looking at potential running mates. The Politico Playbook SPOTTED Haley in Miami meeting with Mayor Francis Suarez, who's described as a “rising star in Florida politics." There's significant bipartisan consensus that the 43-year-old Suarez is a handsome man. If he has a portrait in the attic, it probably looks like Marco Rubio.

Suarez is an “influential voice" with the conservative Cuban-American voting bloc in Florida. Politico dishes that Suarez has a “chilly relationship" with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who is one of the former White House squatter's most devoted flunkies. A source claims that “while a joint ticket wasn't explicitly discussed, it hung over the entire conversation."

I presume Haley is shoring up support so she has a shot at Florida if she runs for president, but I doubt she'd announce her VP pick before she's actually won the nomination. Only a real jackass does that. Still, Haley is dreaming if she thinks he's going to win Florida or even her home state of South Carolina. DeSantis will clean her clock because he's got the MAGA asshole bit down. He'll also secure the Mar-a-Lago resident's endorsement — assuming the Mar-a-Lago resident doesn't run himself — unlike Haley who dared repeat heresies about the twice-impeached thug's jacklegged coup.

Haley/Suarez is a hella brown ticket for a party that came close to launching a white power caucus last week. Jennifer Rubin and Joe Scarborough might've swooned over those candidates in 2016, but they've both left the GOP. College-educated suburban white voters are defecting from the party in droves. There are no more Aaron Sorkin Republicans, if such creatures ever existed in nature. What's left are know-nothing racists who make blatant appeals to a racist voting base. It's all MAGA, all the time.

Suarez hasn't even tweeted anything deranged and offensive recently. According to John Cornyn, this means he might not be in full command of his faculties. Haley, like fellow South Carolinian Nancy Mace, is an opportunistic creep, but she can only fake the MAGA funk.

This brings us to Chris Christie, who Axios reports is also considering a 2024 run.

The former governor of New Jersey crashed and burned during the 2016 primary, when he was at the peak of what you might charitably call his popularity. He didn't just lose the Iowa caucus but he finished behind such electoral powerhouses as Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, John Kasich, and Carly Fiorina. New Hampshire is just a five-hour drive from New Jersey (unless the toll lanes are inexplicably closed), but Christie only managed to come in sixth, just behind the malfunctioning Rubio Bot 9000. There was no GOP version of Jim Clyburn to rescue Christie after such a poor performance, so he dropped out and became the first candidate to debase himself at Mr. MAGA's altar.

Confederate monument Jeff Sessions can confirm how much one's early support for the twice-impeached thug means in the long term. The former guy's personal motto is “what sedition have you done for me lately?" and Christie dared suggest that inciting a violent mob at the Capitol was an impeachable offense.

Here's some especially clueless theories about the next GOP primary.

Christie, whose 2016 bid for the nomination was short-lived, has told friends that he'd be the only person in the 2024 field with executive experience who has run a presidential race before.

MAGA doesn't care about “executive experience." Can he kick Dr. Anthony Fauci's ass? That'll impress primary voters.

Christie could run on a reputation for toughness that appeals to Trump's base minus the former president's recklessness, said one source. Another said he has a mix of combativeness and charisma that Republicans are looking for to take on President Biden and Democrats.

I didn't realize Christie's mother was still alive and leaking to Axios. Look, MAGA isn't interested in an edited-for-TV version of the former White House squatter.

And his experience as a former federal prosecutor could help distinguish him in debates and prepare for a primary contest in which there may be less of a premium on ad-libbing than in 2016.

GTFOH! The 2024 GOP primary debates will probably turn out like a less respectable version of "WWE SmackDown." We'll long for the literal dick-measuring contest from 2016. Marjorie Taylor Greene will talk over Haley, fat shame Christie, and instead of answering questions, she'll do some CrossFit Kipping Pull-Ups.

Time to wake up, guys. The GOP's the QAnon party now, and you're not getting it back.

[Politico / Axios]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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