LOL President Dumb Shit Got Played On North Korea, Can You Believe It?


Remember how only a few days ago Donald Trump was nominating himself for a Nobel Peace Prize because he sent some Mean Girl Tweets about the size of his nuclear "button" at Kim Jong Un, and said he was going to "fire and fury" them to death? And then Trump changed his mind and prematurely ejaculated an agreement for a big denuclearization summit between America and North Korea into existence, which created world peace forever? Remember how this showed everyone the brilliance of the Trump Doctrine, which is to yell on Twitter and never take intelligence briefings and just do the opposite of whatever Barack Obama did, which will obviously solve all the problems in the world?

Welllllllllll, ABOUT THAT.

First, on Wednesday, North Korea decided to postpone its upcoming talks with South Korea, blaming upcoming joint military exercises between the US and South Korea. Also, they said MAYBE they won't meet with Donald Trump after all, if America is going to simply insist they get rid of all their nuclear weapons:

“If the U.S. is trying to drive us into a corner to force our unilateral nuclear abandonment, we will no longer be interested in such dialogue and cannot but reconsider our proceeding to the DPRK-U.S. summit,” said Vice Foreign Minister Kim Kye-gwan in a statement published by the North’s state-run media.

They also added that John Bolton is a piece of shit. (Weird how some sentiments are universal, transcending intractable geopolitical conflict.)

Kim Kye-gwan said North Koreans “do not hide our feeling of repugnance” toward Bolton, and called out his Libya remarks. [More on thosehere. - Ed.] “It is essentially a manifestation of awfully sinister move to impose on our dignified state the destiny of Libya or Iraq which had been collapsed due to yielding the whole of their countries to big powers,” he said.

Remember what happened to the leaders of Libya and Iraq? We can't imagine Kim Jong Un is looking forward to that sort of eventuality!

But how strange and surprising this all is! We thought Kim Jong Un was now a very "open" and "honorable" guy, according to Donald Trump, and that President Art Of The Deal would get his face carved on Mount Rushmore because he made such a good deal to bring peace to the Korean peninsula! Didn't North Korea just give Trump a big photo op, by releasing three American prisoners to Secretary of State Mike Pompeo?

Oh well, guess things change sometimes, when the president of the United States is an idiot, and when North Korea is the way North Korea always fucking is.

That's right. North Korea does this all the fucking time -- for a full timeline, there's a Washington Post for that -- and anybody who actually thought Trump was going to be able to snap his greasy little orange fingers and get this done by virtue of how he is somehow better at geopolitics than all his predecessors is high on their own dogs' farts. (Know who's surprised? The Trump White House. Refer to what we just said about dog farts. Also surprised? The State Department. Guess life comes at you fast when you hollow out State and fire all the experts.)

To be clear, the talks are not off at this point. There is still a chance the two nutbag leaders will get together in Singapore and charm each other's pants off (maybe literally) and North Korea will give up all its nukes (or pretend to) and Trump will get to declare mission accomplished. But it's also pretty obvious to any rational observer that Trump is DESPERATEOMGDESPERATE for a win here, and so North Korea is moving the goal posts to see what it can get away with. Unfortunately for the security of the world, it can probably get away with a hell of a lot, because the president is real damn stupid.

It's also possible China has been whispering in North Korea's ear and saying they'll be there to back them up against Trump. Consider the timing of what's been going on between the Trump administration and China this week. On Sunday, against the advice of all foreign policy and intel experts, Trump announced that he would bend over backward to help China get its Obamaphone manaufacturer ZTE back in business, even though it's been pretty solidly determined that ZTE phones put America's national security at risk, due to how they can be used for spying. Also, ZTE was in big trouble with Treasury, for violating sanctions on North Korea and Iran.

Perhaps North Korea saw Trump reverse course on his big trade war with China because China told him what to do and figured it was a good time to flex their own muscles, because Jesus Christ, look at this idiot in the White House.

Just a theory.

Regardless, we are very sad as a patriotic American to see just how easy it is for pretty much every one of our adversaries to roll that stupid fucker who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but we are LOLing at him just the same.

Good luck on figuring out your next steps, dumbass! Just hope those next steps don't involve stairs, because we all know how afraid the president is of stairs.

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[New York Magazine]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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