Look, America, Trump Is Being Putin's Fuck Toy Again!

Does what Putin says.

We guess Donald Trump has migrated from his tweeting potty at Mar-a-Lago back to his tweeting potty at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, because, kind citizens, our Dear Leader has gifted us with a tweet:

Quickly, before we get to the "content" of Trump's tweet, let's note it happened at 9:04 AM ET, which means that while you, hard-working American, were back at work Monday morning, the president was still pinching off MAGA shits in the White House residence with his meat fingers on the Twitter button. He was tweeting bullshit as late as 9:25 AM ET, but don't worry, he'll get around to going to work at some point, assuming he doesn't stumble onto a golf course on his way to the Oval.

Also, why doesn't Fox News have to compete in the contest? Is President Pussgrab scared Sean Hannity would fellate live goats bleating about Hillary's uranium during the talent portion and Fox would automatically be disqualified?

Finally, we love how he has to remind us who he means when he says, "your favorite president." Tells us a lot about his very low self esteem and his very small hands. Of course, his approval rating is still only slightly higher than the approval rating for waking up in a vat of cold cat smegma, so it's safe to say "your favorite president" is either Barack Obama or any other president who has ever held the office.

ANYWAY. This tweet builds off a tweet from Saturday:

Oh good, let's shit on American journalists working abroad, because they're from a network that hurts the president's thin-skinned fee-fees when it reports the sad truth about him.

CNN responded:

BREAKING NEWS, Donald Trump is upset about mean CNN. But is that the end of this story? Wonder what elsehappened the day he sent that tweet:

Russian President Vladimir Putin has signed amendments into law that will allow foreign media outlets in Russia to be listed as "foreign agents," according to state-run news agency Sputnik news.

Russian officials have said the change is a retaliatory response to the US government's request that RT, the Russian TV network, register its American arm as a foreign agent under the Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA). [...]

"According to the text of the law, media that receive financial assistance from foreign states or organizations can be recognized as foreign agents, while the decision on which outlets will be classified as 'foreign agents' will be taken by the Ministry of Justice."


So Russia can now just decide willy-nilly if it wants to label a foreign organization like CNN as a "foreign agent"? Because that's exactly how our Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA) works, except for how that's not how FARA works at all. We bet Trump, Vladimir Putin's buttboy, thinks fair's fair and that if the Deep State says RT America has to register as a foreign agent, then CNN, which is mean to him, should be a foreign agent in Russia. These are all obviously the same thing, if the flag you pledge allegiance to looks like this:

Let's be clear on what FARA is:

FARA is a disclosure statute that requires persons acting as agents of foreign principals in a political or quasi-political capacity to make periodic public disclosure of their relationship with the foreign principal, as well as activities, receipts and disbursements in support of those activities.

Political or quasi-political. FARA does not mean "If you are a company from a foreign land, you register as a foreign agent." Otherwise, Volvo would have to wear a badge, and that would be stupid and a crime against stellar Swedish engineering.

The United States Justice Department and our intelligence agencies (Deep State!) determined that RT is literally a propaganda arm of the Kremlin, and that its activities in the United States are part of that mission. The Washington Post notes how the assessment of Russian interference in the 2016 election released in January by the entire intelligence community described RT:

A January assessment by U.S. intelligence agencies described RT America TV as “a Kremlin-financed channel operated from within the United States, (which) has substantially expanded its repertoire of programming that highlights criticism of alleged US shortcomings in democracy and civil liberties.’’

The assessment also said RT America “has positioned itself as a domestic US channel and has deliberately sought to obscure any legal ties to the Russian government,’’ but behind the scenes, “The Kremlin staffs RT and closely supervises RT’s coverage, recruiting people who can convey Russian strategic messaging because of their ideological beliefs.’’

You see, there are very specific parameters under American law for registering as a foreign agent. Trump pals Paul Manafort and Michael Flynn had to register because they were literally working for the political interests of other countries. And the U.S. government has determined RT does the same damn thing.

For Putin to require CNN to register under its new Russian trash law would imply that CNN, and by extension, American journalism in general, is a nationalist tool of the state. Last time we checked, that's not how journalism works in America (outside of Fox, duh), and fuck Donald Trump if he thinks he's ever going to successfully change that. On the other hand, it has been proven time and time again that RT is a political actor doing the bidding of the Kremlin. (Sputnik, too.)

But CNN is mean to Donald Trump! Doesn't that mean he should shit on CNN International, thereby giving his birth father Vladimir Putin ammo for making CNN register as a foreign agent in Russia?

NYET! And Trump can go fuck himself with the Russian nesting doll Putin (allegedly) replaced his right nut with, you know, the one that goes "BZZZZZZZZ!" in Trump's pants when Putin wants a favor.

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[CNN / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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