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Awwww, everybody, there was a very nice party at the Justice Department yesterday, to celebrate the very normal life and times and tenure of Rod Rosenstein, everybody say AWWWWWW. After doing a generally serviceable job overseeing the Mueller investigation, Rosenstein finally submitted his resignation to Donald Trump, with a sniveling toady letter that thanked Trump for his "courtesy and humor." Wonkette guessed at the time that Rosenstein was referring to the president's well-known penchant for practical jokes like "Hey! I should get a private citizen to fire the special counsel! #JOKETOWN" and "Hey! I am going to fire the FBI director in order to obstruct an investigation into my own possibly traitorous behavior, but I'm going to make Rod Rosenstein take the fall and say I did it because I thought -- GET THIS! -- that the FBI had treated old Lock 'Er Up Clinton poorly. Get it? It's funny because it's so motherfucking implausible!" #LOLLERSKATES!

Yeah, we didn't like that letter. But hey, Rosenstein did protect the Mueller investigation -- sort of? we think? except for that whole part at the end where he stood by Bill Barr's side as Barr lied to the American people about the results of the Mueller investigation, and just generally has had Barr's back as Barr has performed cover-ups to protect Trump's ass over the past six weeks? Whatever, fuck it, TIME FOR CAKE AND ICE CREAM!


The first moment from the event that made news was Bill Barr saying #LOLs about how he's pretty sure he just broke the land speed record for attorneys general being held in contempt of Congress. HA HA!

Well yes, we guess Barr did break a record for doing cover-ups for lawless presidents and also apparently not understanding that the attorney general is not the president's personal lawyer, and he'll go down in history as a guy who looked like a gopher with elephantitis of the face and also as one who aided and abetted the most dangerous president in American history. But other than that, #KNEESLAPPING!

Speaking of that cover-up, at one point Barr joked with Rosenstein about which one of them could make the most deadpan expression, referring to that awesome press conference we mentioned above, where Barr lied to America and ate the rule of law with his bare teeth while Rosenstein stood there like this:

The Washington Post reports on the whole entire shebang, and it sure sounds like everybody who's anybody was there. The people who do cover-ups for Trump inside the White House (Emmet Flood, Kellyanne Conway) were there. Don McGahn, the guy Trump used to ask to commit a healthy percentage of his obstruction of justice crimes, was there. Even Matthew "Meatball" Whitaker, the only known living meatball ever to serve as the illegally appointed acting attorney general, was there! Guess his manager let him have the afternoon off from selling big penis toilets, for men whose penises are simply too large for pooping in the regular potty, at the big penis toilet kiosk in the mall.

Barr was joined on stage in feting Rosenstein by former AG Jeff Sessions, who noted that Rosenstein's kids are big fans of Ben Folds, who wrote a song called "Mr. Peepers" about their dad. (That is true. Though we imagine Ben Folds never imagined his name would escape the thin lips of Jefferson Butterscotch Sessions. But whatever.)

When Sessions came out with the rest of the idiots, he MADE A LITTLE WINKY:

Sessions also said other things:

"Once started, these things become unstoppable. . . . Rod, you did your duty," Sessions told his former deputy. "You didn't ask for it, that's for sure. The system worked its will, and what more can a public servant do?"

That would have been another good time for Sessions to MAKE A LITTLE WINKY.

Rosenstein told the crowd that he was leaving "confident that justice is in good hands," and added, "It's in your hands," which strikes us as weird, as the transmogrified Upside Down version of this thing ...

media2.giphy.com

is currently serving as attorney general, which makes Rosenstein's statement a prima facie lie.

Rosenstein also said some more bullshit about how the DoJ "stands apart from politics," which is just offensive at this moment, to the point that Wonkette is forced to end this post before we decide to go back to sleep and vomit everywhere and leave early for the weekend, therefore POST OVER.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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