Look At These Assholes

Awwww, everybody, there was a very nice party at the Justice Department yesterday, to celebrate the very normal life and times and tenure of Rod Rosenstein, everybody say AWWWWWW. After doing a generally serviceable job overseeing the Mueller investigation, Rosenstein finally submitted his resignation to Donald Trump, with a sniveling toady letter that thanked Trump for his "courtesy and humor." Wonkette guessed at the time that Rosenstein was referring to the president's well-known penchant for practical jokes like "Hey! I should get a private citizen to fire the special counsel! #JOKETOWN" and "Hey! I am going to fire the FBI director in order to obstruct an investigation into my own possibly traitorous behavior, but I'm going to make Rod Rosenstein take the fall and say I did it because I thought -- GET THIS! -- that the FBI had treated old Lock 'Er Up Clinton poorly. Get it? It's funny because it's so motherfucking implausible!" #LOLLERSKATES!

Yeah, we didn't like that letter. But hey, Rosenstein did protect the Mueller investigation -- sort of? we think? except for that whole part at the end where he stood by Bill Barr's side as Barr lied to the American people about the results of the Mueller investigation, and just generally has had Barr's back as Barr has performed cover-ups to protect Trump's ass over the past six weeks? Whatever, fuck it, TIME FOR CAKE AND ICE CREAM!

The first moment from the event that made news was Bill Barr saying #LOLs about how he's pretty sure he just broke the land speed record for attorneys general being held in contempt of Congress. HA HA!

Well yes, we guess Barr did break a record for doing cover-ups for lawless presidents and also apparently not understanding that the attorney general is not the president's personal lawyer, and he'll go down in history as a guy who looked like a gopher with elephantitis of the face and also as one who aided and abetted the most dangerous president in American history. But other than that, #KNEESLAPPING!

Speaking of that cover-up, at one point Barr joked with Rosenstein about which one of them could make the most deadpan expression, referring to that awesome press conference we mentioned above, where Barr lied to America and ate the rule of law with his bare teeth while Rosenstein stood there like this:

The Washington Postreports on the whole entire shebang, and it sure sounds like everybody who's anybody was there. The people who do cover-ups for Trump inside the White House (Emmet Flood, Kellyanne Conway) were there. Don McGahn, the guy Trump used to ask to commit a healthy percentage of his obstruction of justice crimes, was there. Even Matthew "Meatball" Whitaker, the only known living meatball ever to serve as the illegally appointed acting attorney general, was there! Guess his manager let him have the afternoon off from selling big penis toilets, for men whose penises are simply too large for pooping in the regular potty, at the big penis toilet kiosk in the mall.

Barr was joined on stage in feting Rosenstein by former AG Jeff Sessions, who noted that Rosenstein's kids are big fans of Ben Folds, who wrote a song called "Mr. Peepers" about their dad. (That is true. Though we imagine Ben Folds never imagined his name would escape the thin lips of Jefferson Butterscotch Sessions. But whatever.)

When Sessions came out with the rest of the idiots, he MADE A LITTLE WINKY:

Sessions also said other things:

"Once started, these things become unstoppable. . . . Rod, you did your duty," Sessions told his former deputy. "You didn't ask for it, that's for sure. The system worked its will, and what more can a public servant do?"

That would have been another good time for Sessions to MAKE A LITTLE WINKY.

Rosenstein told the crowd that he was leaving "confident that justice is in good hands," and added, "It's in your hands," which strikes us as weird, as the transmogrified Upside Down version of this thing ...


is currently serving as attorney general, which makes Rosenstein's statement a prima facie lie.

Rosenstein also said some more bullshit about how the DoJ "stands apart from politics," which is just offensive at this moment, to the point that Wonkette is forced to end this post before we decide to go back to sleep and vomit everywhere and leave early for the weekend, therefore POST OVER.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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