Look How Jeb Winned The Debate!
So. Did he do it? Did he Fix It at the Fox Business Network debate on Tuesday, where, according to Very Serious Pundits, it was do-or-die now-or-never other-cliches for the poor pathetic Jebenator? His campaign seems to think so so, because shortly after the debate ended, it released a fresh new Jeb! web ad featuring the only two minutes of the debate when Jeb was not visibly smearing himself with his own feces.
Hillary Clinton bad? Check. Unemployment numbers -- which Jeb's brother doubled while in office but President Obama has cut in half -- also bad, THANKS OBAMA? Check. More or less complete sentences with almost no stuttering or dick-tripping? Check. Please if you wouldn't mind and it wouldn't be too much trouble, suck on this, Donald? Check.
Oh, what a victory. What a glorious triumph. What an impressively mediocre but not failtastic two minutes of highlights during which Jeb managed to deliver his memorized lines without literally choking to death on his own tongue.
Not included in the "Milwaukee's Best" ad was the first moment Jeb was allowed to speak, which he used to whine about how Gov. John Kasich has already gotten to speak lots of words and how come Jeb hasn't gotten to speak any yet? Unfair!
You've already made two comments, John. It's my turn. [...] I got about four minutes in the last debate. I'm going to get my question right now.
Nor did Team Jeb include the embarrassingly awkward-cringe moment when Jeb was trying so hard, again, to say some words, and the big kids wouldn't let him, so Donald Trump -- Donald "Hahaha look at how much low-energy LOSER Jeb sucks!" Trump -- stood up for him, like a protective big brother would, and said, "Let Jeb speak." To which Jeb replied:
Thank you, Donald, for allowing me to speak at the debate. That's really nice of you. Really appreciate that. What a generous man you are.
Jeb might have been attempting to do funny, which he should never do because he's bad at that too, but it didn't come off as funny so much as oh god, look at that weak pathetic loser, even Trump pities the fool so much now, he's trying to help the guy out, HOW SAD.
Jeb's team might think his debate performance suggests that Jeb really can Fix It, but he is going to have to Fix It a whole lot harder than that. Because "Oh wow, Jeb didn't fuck it up so bad this time" is not the same thing as winning. Not even close.