Look Out Chuck 'N' Nancy, President WALL Made A SPEECH

After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

Okay, so he can't actually deport DACA kids and immigrants on Temporary Protected Status (TPS) right now, since courts told him to piss off and SCOTUS just punted on DACA, meaning he likely can't deport those kids for another year. Trump's actually not offering anything at all, just desperately trying to fling this flaming sack of dog crap into the Democrats' yard. But maybe the public won't bother to read the fine print, and they'll decide this stupid shutdown is all Chuck and Nancy's fault. See, Jared?

Even before the "deal" was announced, Democrats were telling Trump to piss off, with House Speaker Pelosi calling it a "non-starter" and vowing to keep passing spending bills to get the government open without WALLBUX. No one but Jared is stupid enough to think they'll peel off seven Democratic senators with this stunt, much less get it through the House. This deal is even skimpier than Lindsey Graham and Dick Durbin's "Bridge Act," which Trump put the kibosh on two weeks ago when he thought he was actually winning this debate. The Washington Post reports:

But Trump's proposal was far smaller in scope, covering fewer immigrants, and Democrats said his plan was akin to trading "permanent" border wall for "temporary" protections for immigrants that Trump could reverse in a second term.

Asked about that criticism, Pence replied: "I read that turn of phrase." He then paused and changed the subject.

Odds he did that stupid brow-furrowing nasal sigh thing: 100%.

It also landed like a turd in the punchbowl in MAGAland.

Hey, remember that time in December when Trump was going to sign a temporary budget deal to keep the government open for three weeks so it could shut down on Democrats' watch, but then Ann Coulter called him a limpdick so he refused to sign it and staged a press conference where he said he'd be proud to take responsibility for the shutdown?

Area man whose boss just cut his nuts off worries that we are simultaneously overrun with other people's babies and running out of brown people to hold as hostages.

And poor, sad Breitbart seems to have lost the plot entirely.


Meanwhile 800,000 government workers "gotta go to fuckin' work without getting motherfuckin' paid," a fact which Trump failed to mention in his speech. Because, spoiler alert, he doesn't actually give a shit about federal employees lining up for impromptu food banks.

And he's still at it this morning, nine BATSHIT INSANE Tweets in before 10am, including this one where he threatens mass deportations if Speaker Pelosi won't play ball, and offers the one thing that could possibly cause his base to turn on him.

We're beginning to think that Republicans might be bad at this whole governing thing. Just a theory, probably needs more study.


[WaPo / Vox / NYT]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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