Look Younger And More Vibrant With Jesus Lady's Plan To Cast Out Evil Spirits Of Death

Self-care

Meet Katie Souza! She's a kooky gal who supposedly led a life of crime and drugs and danger before becoming an evangelist. In a recent (okay, two weeks ago but I kept meaning to get to it!) episode of "Sid Roth's 'It's Supernatural!,' one of my favorite fundie talk shows on the YouTube because of how he reminds me of Kane from Poltergeist, Souza explained how one can stay young forever simply by banishing the Evil Spirit of Death" from their lives. Which means I have been spending way too much money on skincare products.

What is the Evil Spirit of Death? Let's let Katie explain:

The spirit of death is active in the world at every moment, he's putting death on people's bodies, he's causing rapid aging, he's causing disease, disorder, he's also killing off finances and marriages and relationships.

And Sid, honestly, I believe that when we transition to heaven as a born-again believer, that we just do that. We lay down at God's appointed time and we just transition to our place in glory.

If the spirit of death is in the room at the time of our death, it usually means that we're dying of a disease or something that was not the will of God.

Well that is just science.

Souza has had her own run-ins with the Spirit of Death, who came into her room one day when she was sick. She even heard his voice! So she asked God who it was and God was all "It's the spirit of death, he's on assignment to kill you." And then she immediately went into menopause!

Renounce This Evil Spirit Aging You Prematurely! youtu.be

Then she gained eight pounds and her hair got really bad and her skin started sagging all over — just in a week! As if that wasn't bad enough, the Spirit of Death then started screwing with her marriage and cutting off the financial support for her ministry.

And it got worse!

"I had four people in my life, very close to me, who were killed by the Spirit of Death," she explained, "Then he even took the lives of my dogs! Two of my dogs died within weeks of each other."

Apparently, as she learned from the holy spirit, she did some kind of sinning that gave the Spirit of Death the right to attack her and her organs. And apparently her dogs.

So she rededicated her life to Jesus and repented constantly, and that made her skin tighter and made her marriage better. Alas, her friends and dogs stayed dead.

Later in the video, she tells the story of how she met an old lady with some health problems and so she shook the Spirit of Death out of her and then the next day she was young again. And apparently wearing the same outfit and standing in the exact same place. Magic!

She Shook Off the Spirit of Death & This Happens… #Shorts www.youtube.com

Yeah, I think I am probably going to stick with my snail mucin and AHA/BHA and all of my other skincare stuff, as that has been working pretty well from me (such a big fan of the Philosophy Microdelivery Dream Peel right now, by the way). I am not really interested in any supernatural assistance, as I already know how that movie ends.

meryl streep 90s movies GIF by absurdnoise Giphy

Jesus' anti-aging program looks a hell of a lot like Botox and fillers anyway.

Here is a quick but extremely dramatic bio of Souza from some religious channel called Daystar, though I have absolutely no way of vetting any of this right now.. I'm definitely getting some Mike Warnke energy though so take it with a grain of salt.

Born in 1963, Katie Souza grew up a tomboy, hunting and fishing with her mother on a rural ranch in Wisconsin. At age ten her family moved to the Hawaiian Islands. Katie's problems began when she started experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and hallucinogenic mushrooms. Her use of drugs escalated when, at age 17, she went to work in the entertainment industry as a disc jockey in Honolulu, Hawaii.

At age twenty, Katie left Hawaii to go to California. For three years she worked as a broadcast engineer at a CBS affiliate in Bakersfield, doing modeling and television commercials on the side. At this point her drug use was daily. In 1986, Katie moved to Los Angeles. Engrossed in the Hollywood drug scene, Katie dropped out of television and started a rock band. By 1991, Katie had become a career criminal. Her life consisted of drugs, clandestine laboratories, stolen vehicles, high-speed chases, gun shootouts, and many arrests. She was arrested in February of 1999, charged by the federal government with manufacturing, conspiracy and gun possession, Katie was sentenced to twelve and a half years in federal prison.

Obligatory:

Part-Time Model - Flight Of The Conchords (Lyrics) www.youtube.com

So Souza did all of the crimes, all of them, and then she found Jesus and now she makes her living shaking old ladies to get evil death spirits to leave them alone so they can be young again. Good for her.

Now I am going to go and learn literally everything about this lady and her wackadoo life, and you may all open thread!

ETA: Don't forget! Stephen and I will be live here tomorrow at 3:30pm EST, so come hang out with us!

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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