Oh my stars, it seems America's most virginal born-again virgin is with child. Again:

I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.

Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.

At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.

That is Bristol Palin. BRISTOL. PALIN! Last we'd heard, she was shacking up with her fiancee Dakota Meyer, but Jesus said it's OK to bend the NO SEXYTIME WITHOUT A RING ON IT rule if you have a wedding date. But then they did not have a wedding date no more neither, and now Bristol Palin is single again, so how is this even possible?

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Also too, reality TV fame whore Bristol Palin has asked us to leave her alone about all this, and not point out what a hypocritical dumb asshole she is for getting knocked up out of wedlock, again:

I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.

But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.

And sure, that is fair. After all, Bristol has never asked America to please pretty please pay all the attention to her, for years and years, twirling about on the television screen and "writing" her "blog" and lecturing President Obama about how kids need a "mother/father home," so Just Say No to gay marriage, like the Bible says! But she doesn't want us to give her any lectures or show her any sympathy, so we won't do that. We will just fondly remember when she swore to God and Oprah that she was never going to have unmarried sex again!

Winfrey told Bristol she "kind of bristled" when she learned the teen recently told In Touch magazine, "I'm not going to have sex until I'm married. I can guarantee it" and wondered if such a promise was "realistic." [...]

"I'm just wondering if that's a realistic goal," said Winfrey.

"It's a realistic goal for myself," replied Bristol.

Oh, and then there was that other time, when she made a god-fucking-awful ad, with MTV reality show star Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, to tell other girls to save their sex parts for marriage, just like she did and will again and again and again!

"I know you're all about that abstinence thing, but come on, B-Palin, are you serious? You're not gonna hook up before you're married? For real?"

"For real."

But we wouldn't want to make Bristol Palin feel bad about somehow mysteriously ending up pregnant, again, and not married, again, even though she and her whole family have made lots of money telling us how wrong that is. So no lectures here, Bristol. Just some well wishes with your pregnancy; we hear it can be tough. Oh, and when you get around to it, you might want to eventually learn how babby is formed, and then stop lecturing everyone else in America about how they should be pure NO HOMO virgins, just like you.

[Bristol Palin's "blog"]

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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.


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That's right, Wonkers, while we're all up here in America dealing with the terribleness, your Editrix and her fambly are in MEXICO AT THE BEACH, where they will probably stay for a little while longer or maybe they're never coming back SHRUGGIE EMOTICON. But that's OK, they deserve some time to be AT THE BEACH in MEXICO, oh no, don't get NATIONAL EMERGY CARAVANNED!

Yeah, so it's time to count down your top ten stories of the week, like we do on Saturday mornings. Shall we? WE SHALL.

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