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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today -- BUT FIRST! We're hitting the road next month and heading to DC for the March For Our Lives! We're making a few stops along the way to buy you pizza and beer, since you bought them for us to buy for you, so come out and front load some carbs!

The president woke up on the wrong side of senile again.

Melon Trump has "You're Fired" her friend after Donald Trump, a known cheapskate, became butthurt over reports that said friend was paid $26 million for inauguration planning. Let's be honest, he was probably just pissed that she was paid. [Morning Maddow]

A US District Court has found that pharma bro Martin Shkreli is responsible for screwing over his investors to the tune of $10.4 million, potentially leading to even MORE prison time.

Carter Page went on Hannity last night and called him "the Edward R. Murrow" of Trump-Russia for denying being a conspiracy peddling jackass.

Hope Hicks will head to the Hill with a couple of lattes; she's expected to sit with the House Intel Committee and dodge questions about Trump-Russia.

The Trump administration actually thinks House Republicans will abandon concealed-carry reciprocity and fall in line on increased background checks despite the House's repeated attempts to slide secret gun humping bills into every bill for the past decade.

Instead of calling for any specific legislation on gun control, Trump held another after school shooting special with governors in an attempt to look empathetic. Narrator: He didn't.

Georgia's state Senate Republicans are, in essence, extorting Delta Airlines for dropping NRA discounts by threatening to kill a proposed tax credit on jet fuel. The butthurt is being lead by Georgia's Lt. Gov. Casey Cagle, who feels that the corporation is attacking conservatives' Second Amendment right ability to get discounts.

Rather than follow in Delta's wake, FedEx sent a nastygram that criticized the NRA's fondness for assault weapons, but FedEx ultimately opted to puss out instead of standing its ground.

The Supreme Court passed on hearing a DACA case, dealing a serious blow to the Trump administration. Now, Congress critters are scuttling about the Hill under even more pressure to reach a deal for Dreamers.

A new report from the Anti-Defamation League shows 2017 had 1986 anti-Semitic incidents, a 57 percent increase from 2016, but obviously there's bad hombres on both sides.

After word leaked that Trump wants his personal pilot to head the FAA, the swamp rose up to greet him; now lobbyists and senators are openly doubting Trump's pilot would be confirmed.

Rather than respond to criticisms that he's paying back the grifty payday lenders who donated to his campaign, Mick Mulvaney is now just telling Elizabeth Warren to fuck off.

John Kelly is getting sick of the entity known as Javanka, privately bitching about Ivanka "playing government," and having to clean up the spreading stain that is Jared Kushner. Good thing we have nepotism laws.

Democratic Sen. Amy Klobuchar has suggested that maybe it's not a bad idea to slap tech companies with federal fines for failing to smack down Russian bots.

It's only a coincidence that the richest and poorest members of Congress are all retiring, while some of the most vulnerable incumbents are all worth over a million dollars. Money, it's a gas!

Sen. Dianne Feinstein gives zero fucks about not being endorsed by the California Democratic Party; aides are saying their goal has been to make sure her primary opponent, Kevin de León, didn't get secure the endorsement.

Mississippi Republican scumbag and state Sen. Chris McDaniel is expected to announce a primary challenge against GOP Sen. Roger Wicker after getting sick of waiting for Thad Cochran to die.

Bernie Sanders's kid, Levi Sanders, is joining the crowded Democratic primary for New Hampshire's First District, but he's facing criticism as he does not live there.

Clueless's Stacey Dash is running for Congress in California's 44th. As of this morning, she's the only Republican dumb enough to run in this solidly Democratic district.

As the FBI closes in on Rep. Duncan Hunter, his opponents are surrounding him on all sides, and since California has a top-two primary, Hunter could be knocked out of the race before the general election.

The Arizona state senator vying for the seat of disgraced former Rep. Trent Franks, Steve Montenegro, is making Republicans SUPER nervous. Their fear is centered over his own sex scandal, and that even if he does win, Montenegro may become "another Roy Moore situation."

Kentucky's gay-hatin', cock-fighting millionaire Republican Governor Matt Bevin thinks that America's culture problem triggered the MSD shooting -- not the fetishization of guns, but all the violent buttfucking in our movies and video games.

West Virginia teachers and service workers are in their FOURTH day of striking for more pay!

A group led by Eric Holder is suing Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker over his refusal to hold special elections to fill vacant seats in the state capital.

Twenty states are suing to repeal Obamacare's individual mandate tax penalty (again), arguing that the mandate is unconstitutional so they should just strip all the poors from their healthcare.

The senior US diplomat for North Korean policy, Joseph Yun, is retiring, after the 32-year foreign service veteran became fed up with the fights between the old peace freaks in the State Department and the bloodthirsty war hawks in Trump's White House.

Comcast has sucker punched Mickey Mouse and kicked Rupert Murdoch in the dick by offering a surprise $31 billion bid to buy UK-based broadcaster Sky.

An increasing number of reports are concluding that rideshare companies like Lyft and Uber are screwing up transportation in cities by adding to congestion and competing with mass transit as lazy people bitch about having to walk or ride a bike a few extra blocks.

Some pencil pushers at a DC think tank have released a report that finds the US lost $600 billion to cybercrime in 2016 (or .8 percent of GDP), and they're pointing fingers at Iran, China, North Korea, and people's general ignorance, stating, "“many technology users fail to take the most basic protective measures..."

And here's your morning Nice Time! Baby Goats!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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