Loser Donald Trump Can't Stop Crying Over What A Big Loser He Is
Baby is inconsolable
Donald Trump awakened Tuesday full of ennui, as it finally dawned on him that for real, no shit, he is losing this election, and he is losing it hard. And it occurred to him he has no one to blame but
himself Paul Ryan, who just hasn't been hitting the stump hard enough for him. As Paul Ryan goes, so goes America -- isn't that the oldest American saying of all? Ryan told the GOP on Monday he's not going to "defend" Donald Trump or campaign with him anymore, and now all of a sudden there are these polls showing Hillary Clinton winning by FOURTEEN POINTS. Are these things not related?
Trump attempted to pick up his Obamaphone three times, and thrice his tiny hands could not grasp it. So he hunkered over his desk where the phone lay, and pecked out this tweet:
Now that is not a screengrab, because the original tweet has been deleted. You see, Trump realized he had made an error. NO, it wasn't the part about how he won the second debate -- all the SCIENTIFIC POLLS show Hillary Clinton winning, but those are fake, because "science." He fixed the part where he wasn't good at spelling "despite," and left the rest intact:
Mean old Paul Ryan, of course, has not rescinded his endorsement, because Paul Ryan is a wuss, but it's obviously his fault the latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll has Hillary Clinton up 46-35 over Trump in a four-way race, a lead that extends to 52-38 when the pretend third party candidates are tossed. Another poll released Tuesday by The Atlantic has Clinton leading 49-38. Hell, even Rasmussen is still giving her a five-point lead, and Rasmussen is well known for being a bad polling company that leans way Republican and is bad.
It can't possibly be something Donald Trump did. It can't be that, for whatever reason, that "Grab Them By The Pussy" tape, where Trump brags about sexually assaulting women, has shown a bunch of Americans who might just be tuning in what the GOP presidential candidate is really like. It can't possibly be that parading around unsubstantiated conspiracy theories from decades ago about Bill Clinton's alleged behavior might actually INCREASE good feelings toward Hillary Clinton, since as Samantha Bee pointed out Monday night, America is a nation that learns about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up and IMMEDIATELY starts wondering how Jennifer Aniston is feeling right now.
It can't possibly be that parading around like a toddler Third World dictator on a debate stage, physically stalking your female opponent and making declarations about how you're going to throw her in jail the second you're elected, doesn't play well with normal Americans. After all, Trump's base supporters ARE normal Americans, right? (No, they are a "basket of deplorables," and they are gross.)
It can't be that just maybe Donald Trump isn't a very good salesman after all, unable to close the deal with the American people, and even against a girl opponent like Crooked Lying Hillary!
It can't be that Trump's just not good enough.
Blame Paul Ryan instead.
Who else will Donald Trump blame as he continues his scorched-earth burlesque ride into shame and obsolescence? Alicia Machado? Rosie O'Donnell? The Republican party? Americans themselves? Melania, if and when she files for divorce three days after he loses the election?
The answer, we'd guess, is ALL OF THE ABOVE, KATIE, and more. Here's the latest missive in Trump's Tuesday morning tweet-storm:
OK, little boy.
Oh Christ, he's still tweeting:
David Brooks writes in the New York Times about Trump's "sad, lonely life," noting that Trump is "friendless" and a "twisted, tortured shrivel," unable to make even basic human connection. He mostly gets it right for once! The only difference between Wonkette and David Brooks is that Brooks ends up feeling sympathy for the "pathetic" existence of Trump.
We, on the other hand, are pretty sure he deserves every last bit of this.