Loser Jeb Bush Sorry For Losing, Being A Loser

He could never have been a contender

[contextly_sidebar id="1JEmYQElrPu7QGDsmHtzgriGlhczrBPl"]Remember when Jeb Bush was going to be the Republican presidential nominee? No, you don't, because that was never going to happen. Yes, he had a mazillion batrillionteen dollars in his super PAC and a real famous dad and a brother and all their connections and a distinguished career as governor of the Laughingstock State. Rich Republican lick knobs figured it would be easy enough to buy the White House for him, but they didn't count on that one X factor: Jeb. And how much Jeb sucks. Really sucks. Sucks-so-hard sucks-a-lot SUCKS. Nothing could fix Jeb. Not more money, not his mom saying "he seems" like the best option, not his brother, not nothing.

And he's very sorry about that:

A tired-sounding Jeb Bush apologized to his major financial backers in a brief conference call on Wednesday afternoon, saying he never expected his presidential campaign to end so early, and in such disappointment.

“I’m sorry that it didn’t turn out the way that I intended,” Mr. Bush said, according to an audio recording of the call. “When I launched the campaign in front of three or four thousand people in Miami, I anticipated a different result.”

[contextly_sidebar id="XsyDCmzldnkQHDRUbchi9B0ZxFu9fwIE"]Oh Jeb, you poor dumb bastard, of course you thought it would turn out differently. You'd heard all those nasty internet rumors that you were the S-M-R-T one, that you were supposed to be the next President Bush -- a claim your father disputes, with swears! You didn't think anyone was going to take that Donald Trump guy seriously. You didn't know he was going to beat you to a bloody pulp of defeated sad.

Even though we called it for you in August, you kept on keeping on, sort of. Remember this? Remember when you said you preferred being in losing place? That was in December:

JOHN DICKERSON: Six months ago, people thought you were the frontrunner.

BUSH: Yeah. I hated that.

DICKERSON: You hated being a frontrunner?

BUSH: Yeah, I feel much better back here.

In retrospect, that might not have been a good thing to say. That might have made your donors -- the ones you're apologizing to now -- cringe just a bit. Maybe next time, don't talk about how losing makes you feel much better, huh, maybe?

And really, Jeb, now that it's over for you, you can stop with the incessant stream of delusional bullshit, OK, buddy?

“I was amazed at the press coverage of the campaign and the lack of reality, to at least how I felt the campaign was,” he said. “For me it was an incredible joy, an incredible honor and privilege to be a candidate for president.”

No one believes that. No one. Jeb, your campaign was the saddest, most pathetic thing anyone has ever seen. So sad. So incredibly fucking depressingly sad. In those final days before you decided you are in favor of plug-pulling, people thought your tweet of a gun with your name on it meant you were suicidal. And understandably so. No one has ever had less fun running for office than you.

You can stop pretending, stop forcing yourself to smile, stop trying to convince yourself that this isn't the most painful, humiliating experience of your entire life. It really is over now, Jeb, and you never have to do it again. It'll be OK. Shhhh, Jeb, it'll be OK.



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