Loser Trump Wants To Win Something, Instead Of Losing All The Time Like Big Dumb Loser

It's gotta suck to run for president, only (barely) get elected because Russia and James Comey let you ride on their shoulders so you can reach your miniscule paws up and touch 270 in the Electoral College, and STILL lose the vote of the people by almost three million. And then it's gotta suck to get into office and quickly become the laughingstock of the entire world, a failure who's too stupid and lazy to accomplish anything, and in year three of your malignant "presidency," look around at the ruins of everything you've touched, see it's all turned to shit, and wonder how to replicate your "success" in the next election. (Comey won't be there. Russia will, obviously. Trump and Moscow Mitch have made sure of that.)

CNN has a report out about called "A rattled Trump scrambles for victories ahead of election," which is slightly nicer than Wonkette's headline, because CNN has to be fair and balanced and shit. And he does sound rattled! (As you can tell if you read his Twitter at any given moment, because at all times, he's on there, poopin' and tweetin', tweetin' and poopin', and seldom working. OK factcheck, we don't actually know if he poops every time he tweets. We just assume he does sometimes.)

Trump's upset that his economy is going to shit. He's blaming the Fed and calling Fed chair Jay Powell the enemy of the people. CNN reports that some of his aides know the economy is teetering on the edge of a shit lagoon largely because of his dumbfucking trade war with China, but says he won't cut that shit out, because he thinks it will make him look "weak." (He's a weak man's idea of a strong man, so of course he thinks that is what would make him look weak, when the reality is that his presidency and his Twitter feed and his whining and his bitching about the FAKE NEWS! and the DEEP STATE! are what makes him look weak.)

And speaking of that trade war! Earlier this week, we had a long piece on all the deranged shit Trump pulled at the G7 in Biarritz (there was a lot), and one of the things we noted was that Trump seemed to Imaginary Friend into existence some phone calls from the Chinese, where they purportedly told him they were very interested in making a tremendous trade deal with him. Trouble was, almost immediately the news came out that there were no phone calls. Was he hallucinating? Was he just lying? Was he lying about his hallucinations?

In this case, it was just lying:

Though Trump and Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin insisted there had been "communication," aides privately conceded the phone calls Trump described didn't happen they way he said they did.

Instead, two officials said Trump was eager to project optimism that might boost markets, and conflated comments from China's vice premier with direct communication from the Chinese.

And they say the president thinks the TV talks to him. Why do they say that?

Anyway, he made some shit up, which was immediately debunked by literally everyone, and in his mind that helped him look Not Weak. He must be so sick of winning he's decided to never do it again.

CNN also reports that Trump is very upset there is no big beautiful WALL for him to point at and say "LOOK AT WALL." He is scared like an uncontrollably pissing puppy that next year, he still will not have WALL, and will have to confront his stinky supporters, who voted for him because he promised he was going to build WALL. That's why he's now suggesting that his people should just commit whatever crimes they need to, including "take their land," in order that WALL may be built. Don't worry, he's gonna pardon them! Hey, maybe he could tell administration officials to steal some WALL money from Mexico, so that the prophecy may be fulfilled that Mexico is going to pay for it! (And for any Trump administration officials reading this, that was a joke, and not a helpful suggestion for how to please the boss.)

Trump, sources say, is searching for an accomplishment to run on in 2020 -- and realizing time is running short to fulfill some of the key promises he made to voters in 2016.He's said similarly about the wall -- that his supporters will think he's weak if he doesn't get it built soon.

Yes, well, that's what happens when you are a fraud who sucks at everything.

In summary and in conclusion, Trump sent these three tweets in the space of 18 minutes on Tuesday. Look at this thirsty, pathetic, attention-starved low-self-esteem shit-yapper:



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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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