[contextly_sidebar id="4EOCv5KnV03OJg5ajHMY6CyDm4pSLeQQ"]We thought we'd seen the last of Carly Fiorina's hideous persona when she dropped out of the Republican race in February. But nope! Like a bad sex disease you get from, say, cheat-boning some dude who is not your husband, she is back. And she's here to tell us that Ted Cruz has the very best vagina to beat Hillary Clinton in November:

"Ted Cruz has always been a constitutional conservative," Fiorina said, adding that he "didn’t care if he got invited to the cocktail parties in D.C." [...]

"It is time now to unite behind the one man who can beat Donald Trump, who can beat Hillary Clinton, who can beat the D.C. cartel, it is time to unite behind Ted Cruz," Fiorina said to roaring cheers.

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[contextly_sidebar id="djwhC8rhVgTsQRqrCk42BmecWHC1VUVA"]Is that the same Ted Cruz's whose suspiciously recent commitment to a monogamous relationship with the United States was quite "odd" to a certain presidential candidate back in January? Before that certain presidential candidate had dropped out, she seemed willing to embrace the insidious (but also hilarious) birthering of Ted Cruz, because hey, it was working for Donald Trump! If she could get in on that, it might boost her popularity and help knock that punchy-faced poutine shart Ted Cruz out of the race, for being an unlegal foreign from Canadistan who didn't even love America until he decided to run for president!

[contextly_sidebar id="cymwqBGBnasLPuee5MAuDVKkwhTPK2ML"]But whatever, that was forever ago. And now that Fiorina has officially failed at running for president, because failing at running things is what she does, it turns out Cruz has always been the right kind of guy for the job, at least since five minutes ago. Of course, if Cruz manages to beat Trump for the nomination, and somehow manages to convince the Republican Party who hates him to death to let him keep the nomination, well, we all know the only way to beat the Hitlery KKKlinton and the gender card she keeps in her pants is to neutralize it, perhaps with the right kind of gal in the VP slot? Fiorina is very good at saying means about Hillary Clinton; she'd make one hell of a yappy attack dog for candidate Cruz. Why, just look at this zing!

"The truth is that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are two sides of the same coin," Fiorina said Wednesday, ripping the GOP front-runner.

[contextly_sidebar id="DORzFGt7xnMGsn7Glput6l6v8b3uzpFX"]Trump and Clinton are basically the same thing? Erm, uh ... what? That's not really "the truth" or anything related to "the truth" or even a distant long-lost cousin of "the truth," but hey, telling not truths is Fiorina's patented move. And since she can't affirmative action her way to the Oval Office like it's some dumb CNN debate, maybe she can use her incredible popularity and influence to help Cruz get there, and then she can sit beside him when he gets on his knees every morning.

Yeah, that's probably Carly Fiorina's new plan, in which case we are already laughing so hard at its inevitable failure.

[The Hill]