Madison Cawthorn Says He Fibbed About Getting Invited To All The Cool Republican Boner Orgies

Not invited

If you've never spent any time in the (mostly white) evangelical church, you might not be familiar with what happens when somebody gets up to deliver their "testimony." In fact, if you just grew up in some kind of normal Christian church, you might not be aware that you have a "testimony"! Oh, but you do. Your "testimony," if you are an evangelical Christian, is your story of amazing grace, how sweet the sound, and how it saved a wretch like you. In other words, how you came to accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior.

And listen, all testimonies are valid, but not all evangelical Christians really want to hear all valid testimonies. Some of them are a real snooze.

Evangelicals get off on a hot testimony, though. They want to hear about all the car chases and drugs and action sequences and sucking and fucking the person used to do before they met Jesus. The more graphic, the better. Because how powerful is Jesus, y'all! That saved wretch like that guy over there, who did all the sucking and the fucking! Now he doesn't do that anymore! He's right here at Redemption Evangelical Bible Church, drinking fair trade coffee from the evangelical redemption fair trade coffee shop and he's telling us his testimony about how Jesus saved him from all the anals!

Our God is an awesome God, indeed.

Likewise, evangelicals like to hear the stories of the temptations the faithful successfully resist. And again, the hotter the better. "I was tempted to watch a movie with boobies in it but I didn't" just doesn't have the pizzazz of "I am consistently invited to coke orgies but I don't go." The important element of the story here is imagined coke orgies.

Which brings us to Madison Cawthorn.

The congressman, having successfully pissed off every Republican in Washington, both the ones who go to coke orgies and the ones who don't — allegedly and allegedly! — had to have a little talk with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy yesterday, and it did not go well. For one thing, he reportedly told McCarthy that all his stories about the hot hard GOP boner orgies and the "key bumps" of cocaine were "exaggerated" and/or "untrue."

Totally Untrue Stories: Madison Cawthorn Allegedly Overwhelmed By Washington Cocaine And Orgy Invites

And now you see why we told you the story of the testimonies. Madison Cawthorn, when he told that story, was on some wingnut podcast, speaking to his people, and we are guessing he just wanted to look cool, but also righteous. Which is how he came to tell us that he was invited to play peener games at Republican sex soirees, but that he didn't go to them. Got that? He gets invited, oh yeah, sexxxxxy evangelical temptation story, NSFW, fap fap fap. But he doesn't go! Because redeemed and sanctified by the Blood!

Note that we are not saying that no elected Republicans have ever participated in a casual coke orgy. We're just saying we doubted from the beginning that somebody invited Madison Cawthorn.

Sounds like Kevin McCarthy hates Madison as much as we do though:

He's lost Kevin McCarthy's trust! He's gonna have to turn his life around! Out here telling everybody about coke orgies! Kevin McCarthy is not surprised, he is just disappointed.

According to Alayna Treene from Axios, McCarthy laid out "everything" he finds "unbecoming," which makes us wonder if they also had a talk about how naughty it is to take Vladimir Putin's side against Ukraine and call President Volodymyr Zelenskyy a "thug." Perhaps they discussed speeding and driving without a valid driver's license.

McCarthy reportedly said they might have to take more action against Cawthorn. Quite frankly, McCarthy sounds incredibly pissed, and is just suggesting young Madison maybe is not old enough to be a big boy who is in Congress.

Also, what the hell does Madison Cawthorn even think he saw?

A staffer in a parking garage. Did the staffer say a curse word, Bible boy? Is that what made Cawthorn just naturally assume the staffer was en route to a coke orgy? Did Cawthorn think this was a Chick tract come to life?


So this all came about after, as we said, just about every Republican in Washington lost their shit at Cawthorn like RECEIPTS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, BUDDY. “I mean, he’s got a lot of members very upset," explained McCarthy. The House Freedom Caucus was mad. The GOP senators from North Carolina were just lightly suggesting that Cawthorn was a liar who was maybe not fit for office. Other random Republican congressmen were mad.

Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was like wait why aren't y'all mad about Matt Gaetz?

Huh. Maybe for some of them this is a "The first rule of Republican potluck boner orgy is that you don't talk about Republican potluck boner orgy" sort of thing. Perhaps.

How could we possibly know?

If it ever comes out that large numbers of elected Republicans are having potluck boner orgies, we bet Kevin McCarthy will give them a real talking-to.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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