Make 'Duck & Cover' Great Again. Wonkagenda For Mon., Dec. 18, 2017

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today, but first, Interactive Holiday Kitties!

Democrats are warning of a coordinated effort led by Fox News to take down Robert Mueller and his justice league of extraordinary investigators, although Trump's Legislative Affairs director is denying those reports with a toothy grin, while Trump continues to mutter "no collusion."

There isn't much time for Republicans as they try to ram through the Trump/Ryan tax fuckery and fund the government before Friday.

Senate Republicans successfully obtained the support of Bob Corker by casually sliding in a massive tax break for corporate real estate companies. Coincidentally, Corker makes many Ameros in corporate real estate, but it's "not a kickback" as Corker hasn't actually "read the bill."

Due to an unholy alliance between Ted Cruz and Mike Pence, homeschooling wackjobs can utilize 529 college savings plans.

Due to his continued battle with brain cancer, Republican Sen. John McCain is heading home to Arizona ahead of the tax fuckery vote. This does not seem like good news for John McCain :(

Later today the Trump administration will release its national security strategy, and it looks like somebody dusted off an old Cold War playbook as it aims to scrutinize "competitors" with nuclear weapons. Remember, kids...

The assault on federal workers is about to get bloody after Claire McCaskill warned about a plan by Heritage Foundation/Trump labor advisor James Sherk to slash paid holidays and paid time off (including vacy's and sick leave), reduce highly skilled worker compensation, reduce pensions, reduce federal retirement benefits, kill retiree health-care benefit subsidies for new workers, increase probationary periods to THREE YEARS, and increase the ability to fire federal workers. So much for the "deep state."

Clearly incensed about coming across as a bootleg Captain Planet villain in the press, Scott Pruitt's EPA has hired a research firm to hunt down people and employees saying mean things about Pruitt and his EPA fuckery.

In a desperate attempt to stave off a massive loss of Customs and Border Patrol agents, the Trump administration inked a $297 million dollar deal with a staffing agency to hunt down 5,000 new CBP agents and workers.

On Friday Trump criticized the FBI right before he went to Quantico to welcome new federal agents.

As they continue to grow in size and strength, the tea party war on the IRS has left the agency battered and bruised, and nonprofits are using their newfound power to exert extreme political influence. You can thank Citizens United.

The problems at the IRS are expected to multiply if/when the GOP passes the Trump/Ryan tax cuts (for the super rich) due the Republican efforts to shortchange and screw whatever staffers are left at the agency.

The DEA is throwing its hands up in frustration (AGAIN) after the DOJ began fucking with investigations into the biggest pharmaceutical industries, effectively slapping them on the wrist for being billion dollar drug dealers.

Do yourself a favor and read this infographic-filled deep dive about how millennials are drowning in student debt, and how everyone is screwed if there's no rescue.

New polls this morning see Congressional Republicans hemorrhaging support, and not even the WSJ can fudge Trump's RECORD LOW RATINGS.

Sick of being screwed by the suburbs, progressives in Chicago are coming for the head of Democratic Rep. Dan Lipinski due to his pandering to anti-abortion and anti-immigration groups.

As the Congress critters planning to retire or resign over sexual harassment allegations continues to grow, new opportunities are emerging for Democratic and progressive candidates.

Legislators are being advised not to be around women (no joke) as Capitol Hill braces for as many as 40-50 congress creeps to be exposed as dirty old men playing grab-ass.

Some Democrats are having buyer's remorse after telling Al Franken to resign, with one anonymous Senator commenting, "In retrospect, I think we acted too fast."

Former Fox News talking head Tamara Holder says Rupert Murdoch kills the careers of ladies who speak out against Fox's fucked up sex crimes, stating, "Let me be clear, I had a man pull out his penis in his office and shove my head on it. That was not flirting, that was criminal."

In the fallout from ending the "wet foot, dry foot" policy, the US is deporting even more Cuban refugees.

A new investigation by the Guardian details how Russian trolls and state media have been behind efforts to discredit White Helmets, the volunteer first responders saving lives in Syria.

ONCE AGAIN Russian state news agencies were the first to report about a congratulatory call from Russian dictator President Vladimir Putin to Donald Trump after the CIA helped stop a terrorist attack in St. Petersburg. You're fucking welcome.

The FCC is refusing to cooperate with New York AG Eric Schneiderman's investigation into net neutrality comments that saw millions of potentially stolen identities utilized by Russian IP addresses and bots.

Ted Cruz is coming to the defense of corporate fuckface and FCC Chairman Ajit Pai as they both bitch about their public flogging for killing the Internet; this has led to a hilarious take-down by Jedi Master Mark Hamill who suggested Ted Cruz stop watching so much porn.

A recent Supreme Court ruling struck down part of a law that barred disparaging speech, so go outside and wear those "HELL. NO." and "IMPEACH" hats with pride!

Some right-wing radio crank is blaming Roy Moore's Senate loss on Alabama's love of porn.

Jared and Ivanka are being sued for not disclosing 30 different investment funds; the suit calls bullshit on Jared's use of a "pre-existing confidentiality agreement" to avoid listing his assets.

In another desperate bid to get people to pay attention to her obnoxious rants, Jeanine Pirro went on another tirade, whining about FBI conspiracies against Trump for ALLEGED collusion with Russia during the 2016 election.

And here's your late night wrap-up!SNL had a cold open Christmas with Trump; The Simpsons want you to donate to Puerto Rico; The Daily Show 'splainered Bitcoin and magic Internet funny money.

And here's your morning Nice Time! A WALLABY JOEY! (That's "baby" in Australianesse.)

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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