Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today, but first, listen to this hungry koala!

Robert Mueller has a hit list of Trump campaign officials he wants to haul before the Grand Jury, along with all their emails, and texts, and chat logs, and pee hooker receipts.

Trump-Russia has expanded to the Middle East with Robert Mueller wondering why Jared Kushner had so many meetings with an adviser to the de facto ruler of the UAE. No wonder Jared can't get a security clearance.

There is growing concern on the Hill that the House Trump-Russia investigation may be scuttled due to partisan bickering and shitty PR stunts like Devin Nunes's midnight ride.

Stephen Colbert hurt Devin Nunes's feefees; now Nunes is crying about the Jews LIBERALS in big media, Hollywood, and universities.

Congressional moderates are locking arms with big banks and giving Elizabeth Warren the finger, voicing support for a rollback of Dodd-Frank provisions meant to keep banks from failing (again). Maybe everybody forgot "too big to fail"?

Trump's super-rich minions are running around talking up the bigly benefits of a trade war with Not America; they don't care if they screw up the global economy with a trade policy left over from the last century.

Despite being given $120 million to stop Russian fuckery in the elections, REXXON has literally spent nothing.

The head of the Office of Refugee Resettlement, Scott Lloyd, has been waging a one-man war against abortion-seeking immigrants, and he's made it a mission to meddle in Messican vaginas.

New numbers are showing that early voting for Democrats in Texas primaries is way up thanks to a loathing of Donald Trump.

The DCCC is facing more charges of favoritism as it endorses moderates and actively works against progressive candidates who refuse to kiss the ring. Whatcha doin', DCCC?

Science bozos are flooding Congressional races with the hopes of injecting a little logic into legislation. They've even got a PAC with a super cute name!

State legislators in Kentucky have stalled a so-called "child bride" bill that would make 18 the legal age of marriage. Apparently some mountain folk started hollerin' about their constitutional right to diddle little kids.

Far-right anti-immigrant candidates dominated the Italian elections this weekend, but fell short of securing enough votes to form a government, resulting in a hung parliament that will force weeks of negotiating with extremists in order to form a coalition government.

Cities pushing for cheaper municipal fiber Internet projects are facing fierce backlash from Comcast and AT&T, which are making damn sure nobody breaks their monopoly on small-town Internet.

Facebook began asking users what it should do about child porn and pedophiles; apparently using a banhammer and calling the cops is a moral quandary.

NICE TIME! A charity started in memory of Philando Castile raised over $100,000, allowing it to pay off all the student lunch debt at all 56 St. Paul schools.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Baby Koalas!

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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