Man Nabbed In Horsef*cking Sting, Not Even From Florida
You may want to have some brain bleach on hand for this one. A gentleman from Pennsylvania flew to Arizona for the specific purpose of doing sex to a horse (variously described as a "pony" or a "miniature horse"; we're guessing the latter, but who knows?), only to find that the whole affair was a sting by the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office, which sort of makes you wonder just what the fuck Sheriff Joe Arpaio's priorities are. Isn't he supposed to be pursuing the universe-shattering proof that Barack Obama's an illegal alien? Even so, far be it from Wonkette to pass up any story that involves the irresistible elements of "Joe Arpaio" and "horsefucking." We've covered both in the past, but this is the first known time the streams have crossed, which could, in itself, be universe-shattering.
We'll let the Arizona Republic handle the heavy narrative lifting here:
Michael Crawford, 68, landed in Phoenix believing he would meet with a horse owner he'd been corresponding with online, according to a statement released by the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office.
Crawford hoped the fictitious owner would allow Crawford to engage in "perverted" sex acts with an animal, Sheriff Joe Arpaio said at a press conference Sunday.
Crawford posted an ad on a popular website soliciting a willing horse owner, according to the Sheriff's Office.
Um. Yep, just a few more questions, now. That magnificent stallion Joe Arpaio and his MCSO can't seem to keep crime under control, what with all the vendettas against Joe Arpaio's enemies and the racial profiling of Messicans, but they do have time to set up a sting operation for a horsefucker in another state? Not that we are defending horsefucking, just asking about law enforcement priorities. Ah, but the story continues:
Many exchanges graphically detailed what Crawford intended to do once he arrived in Arizona. In an e-mail released by the Sheriff's Office, Crawford said he was looking forward to the visit and described his desires.
Crawford arrived late Friday at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, where he was met by deputies. They took Crawford to a trailer furnished by a posse volunteer and located near Southern Avenue and Avondale Boulevard in Tolleson, where Crawford was shown two ponies [...]
Arpaio said Crawford told deputies he didn't understand why he was taken into custody, because he had not committed any sex acts with the Tolleson horses. But Crawford told deputies he had engaged in acts of bestiality since 1970, Arpaio said.
Well, then. Looks like Sheriff Joe's collaboration with PETA is coming along just fine, then. But did Sheriff Arpaio have any self-aggrandizing to take care of during the press briefing? He did? The deuce you say!
"This is animal cruelty; there is not enough teeth in the law for animal cruelty," Arpaio said. "He would have gotten away with it if he'd picked the wrong county and the wrong sheriff."
Great. So now Arpaio is prosecuting weird scenarios out of bad My Little Pony clopfics, and talking like the last act of a Scooby Doo cartoon. If he starts messing with Adventure Time, we're going to have to write a stern letter of protest.
Also, please remember: #NotAllBronies
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.