Manly Studly Non-Mom-Jeans-Wearing Vladimir Putin Is Sexy Shirtless President Of Hockey
Whoa, Vladimir Putin! We already know he’s a manly man who can tame wild animals and annex any country’s territory at the drop of a hat, unlike our own president, Kunta Kenya, who wears mom jeans and eats his hamburgers with some kind of fancy mustard like a homo or a Frenchman (but we repeat ourselves). Also, our president likes basketball, which is only played by losers who can barely get through a year of college. Vladimir Putin plays hockey, which is a sport for men.
Also, Putin is apparently some sort of hockey savant. He’s Wayne Gretzky, Bobby Orr, Mario Lemieux and Alexander Ovechkin all rolled into one. The proof is this highlight reel of the Russian president scoring six goals and five assists in an exhibition game recently. Sure all the players skate slooooooooowly, and sure, no one really guards Putin or seems to make any attempt to hit him, because would you hit a guy who would probably have your entire family disappeared before you skated off the ice? But still, six goals and five assists! If Putin had played on the Russian team in the Sochi Olympics, that gold medal would be hanging in his office in the Kremlin for sure.
Putin wouldn’t have even needed any teammates. Imagine the headlines: President Putin Defeats Finland, 97-2, Celebrates by Castrating Fins’ Goalie With His Teeth.
Sure, it’s not Kim Jong-il nailing eleven holes-in-one the first time he ever picked up a golf club, but it’s impressive nonetheless. Also, check out all the shots of the crowd cheering on its sick freak of a hockey-playing president. We’re imagining a bunch of Russian soldiers standing just off camera, brandishing AK-47s and shouting “Cheer, monkeys! Cheer for President Putin!”
In other news, President Apology Tour banked in a layup while playing an intense game of one-on-two basketball with White House pooches Bo and Sunny. “Boom! Hammertime!” the president reportedly yelled in Bo’s face, causing the Portugese Water Dog to roll over and vigorously lick his own balls for several minutes.
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