The real story of this week isn't the Mueller report, because nobody has actually seen the Mueller report, save for Bill Barr, and there's zero reason to trust a guy Donald Trump hired for the express purpose of covering up his crimes. No, the real story is watching Trump-fellating simpletons (and the president himself) just immediately overplay their hand, in light of their victory that is not actually a victory.

Hello, Marc Thiessen! You are the next contestant on "Step On My Dick And Eat It: The Gameshow Where Trump Idiots Eat Their Own Recently Stepped-On Dicks!"


Pardon us for laughing so hard we pee a little bit, like a Muscovian Pee Hooker who heard a very jolly joke just before she went to perform for the owner of the Miss Universe Pageant, ALLEGEDLY!

Let's go to the legal experts. Is this a thing? Can Trump do that? Or is Marc Thiessen the latest winner of the Step On Dick Show?

Legal Twitter is dripping with disdain right now, and it is spectacular.

(The "Gang of Eight" includes the leadership of the House and Senate, plus the intel committees. In other words, Schiff and Warner are the last people Trump could deny classified information to.)

Now, is Marc Thiessen anybody? LOL, no, he is literally nobody. But he is a Fox News contributor, and President Grandpa The Clown does get his security briefings from Fox News, because he's a conspiracy theorist who is also the stupidest person who ever was born. Thiessen has been on the internet arguing -- in the Washington Post, no less, because he inexplicably writes there -- that if you still believe there was collusion, then you are the one helping the Russians. Thiessen made this assessment by reading the Bill Barr letter and immediately failing to comprehend any of its words, apparently. And he's been co-signing the Trump campaign's little pissfucker authoritarian memo to the media, demanding networks stop booking people who have said "Russia" too much, because didn't you hear that NO COLLUSION? It's funny, since zero people saying NO COLLUSION have actually seen the report. (Bill Barr didn't even say NO COLLUSION.) Finally, Thiessen has just been super mad at Adam Schiff on Twitter, for continuing to state the obvious, which is that there was obvious collusion, and we all know about it.

Perhaps Thiessen would like to watch this video of Schiff from this morning, listing all the collusion and coordination things the Trump campaign did with the Russians -- that we know about -- and driving home the point that if you think that shit is OK, you have serious moral and patriotic deficiencies.

Or perhaps Thiessen would like to take his own advice and wait for the report, since he doesn't have the report, though he may be very stupid and think he has the report:

Look at the date and timestamp on that tweet.

Our point is that Marc Thiessen is a fucking clown.

This #HotTake, which clearly involved Thiessen doing absolutely zero research, that BIG MAN TRUMP should "look at withdrawing security clearances" from members of Congress, two of whom are in the Gang of Eight, is weapons-grade stupid. He's saying Trump should "look into" something Trump doesn't have the authority to "look into," and even if he did, those guys don't even have traditional security clearances, and also too besides, Congress is a CO-EQUAL BRANCH OF THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT, ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION, SO FUCK YOURSELF, ASSHOLE.

This is just par for the course for this week of Trump and his minions prematurely ejaculating victory all over Washington and immediately overplaying their hand. (While also mysteriously starting to advocate against releasing the full Mueller report, because pretty obvious why.) Let's murder healthcare and the Special Olympics! Let's have the president tweet for House Intel Committee chair Adam Schiff to resign! Let's have all the Republicans on the committee DEMAND that Schiff resign, because he is very mean and says obvious facts about Trump and Russia too much, which is that there was absolutely collusion and coordination between Trump people and Russians, regardless of whether Robert Mueller determined that it either rose to the level of criminality or was able to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

And now let's have this dipshit Marc Thiessen.

Oh, and even better, let's have this dipshit say Trump should do this because -- get this -- those guys told lies. That's right, the lyingest motherfucker trashbag ever to stink up the White House should look into those guys because they told lies. (That aren't actually lies.)

Did we say go fuck yourself in this post already? Might as well say it again!

Or we can just let Eric Swalwell say it.

Marc Thiessen will serve as the reigning champion of the Trump Idiots Gnawing On Their Own Dicks, Which They Recently Stepped On gameshow until some Trump idiot (or the president himself!) out-stupids him.

In other words, give it an hour.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. Click below to keep the lights on, please. We appreciate you, most of the time.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate with CC

Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc