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Just sayin' a little prayer.


[contextly_sidebar id="bfWU1LazEbdx9QW1W0gdinUIat3faBbh"]Have you met Marco Rubio's personal BFF, the one man who loves him more than anyone else, who braids his hair and tells him everything is going to be OK when people make fun of his sexxxy man boots? Did you know his friend also loves you too, if only you'll give Him the chance? Surprise, it is Jesus Christ, and Rubio could not stop talking about Him at Thursday night's GOP debate. Like, we think Jesus might have been a little creeped out and maybe wanted to get a restraining order, but He's all about #forgiveness so maybe He was able to put up with it.

Consider:

Well, let me be clear about one thing, there's only one savior and it's not me. It's Jesus Christ who came down to earth and died for our sins.

Now, you might be thinking Bret Baier had just asked him, "Senator Rubio, how many saviors are there, and are you one of them?" But alas, it was about how Trump is beating his ass in his own state of Florida, and if you're eating Trump's cropdusting farts in your own state, yadda yadda. Now granted, Baier DID mention that Time magazine once called him "the Republican savior," so we guess his diddle-brain locked on that phrase and he felt the need to clarify things.

Later, after saying a thing about our quote unquote "JUDEO-Christian Values," Rubio proceeded to usher all in attendance directly into the River Jordan, so that they may be baptized in the blood:

And you should hope that our next president is someone that is influenced by their faith. Because if your faith causes you to care for the less fortunate, it is something you want to see in your public figures. And when I'm president, I can tell you this, my faith will not just influence the way I'll govern as president, it will influence the way I live my life.

Because in the end, my goal is not simply to live on this earth for 80 years, but to live an eternity with my creator. And I will always allow my faith to influence everything I do.

Take that, Donald Trump and Hitlery Devil Witch and dirty Canadian Ted Cruz. Marco Rubio has GOALS, and one of them is to be president of Heaven (BUT NOT SAVIOR!) starting when he is 80 years old.

Say you love Jesus some more, Marco, SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT!

The Bible commands us to let our light shine on the world. For over 200 years, America's light has been shining on the world and the world has never been the same again. But now, that light is dimming a little, after seven years of Barack Obama.

Why won't Barack Obama stop dimming Marco Rubio's American Jesus Light, goddammit!

So all that was kind of weird! According to Mother Jones, Rubio's been sprinkling Jesus dust all over Iowa this entire month, saying it's absolutely impossible to FORCE Christianity down people's throats (unlike gayness we guess), since you have to choose to let Jesus into your heart anyway. He even has an ad running that echoes his debate comment about living in heaven with the Jesus and the God and the angels and the Sarah Palin forever and ever.

[contextly_sidebar id="TvjUDPv0uDDcc6faNaJUXXnz72LpH04k"]So why is Rubio suddenly gushing Jesus all over the cornfields of Iowa? It's not like he just found Jesus like eight minutes ago, possibly in the lady shoe aisle at TJ Maxx, which would give him the giggly excitement of a new convert. Wonkette reported last year on his weirdo demon-wrasslin' Baptist church in Miami, and also his Catholic church in Miami, because obviously he has two churches.

[contextly_sidebar id="oYw7tQHtS5td3y6dyG62nkeBxT4PUi5s"]Guess he's trying to siphon off some of that sweet, sweet evangelical support from Ted Cruz, whom God endorsed for president AGES ago. Or maybe from Ben Carson, because we all remember that time God gave him all the answers for his college chemistry final, right before He revealed to Carson the secret location of His Holy Wonder Bread Factory, which is in the Egyptian pyramids.

Will it work? Probably not. But maybe! One thing's for sure. Marco Rubio will never be as terrific a Christian as that Jesus Cracker-loving Donald Trump.

[WaPo debate transcript]

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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