Marianne Williamson Levitates Out Of Presidential Race

Marianne Williamson's presidential campaign has ended its presence on our physical plane. This is devastating news for supporters of the "Orb Queen," who thought it was a great idea to replace an incompetent, anti-science president with another incompetent, anti-science president ... but with crystals!

Williamson announced last week that she was firing her campaign staff and would rely on unpaid Oompa Loompas to continue her long-shot bid for the White House. But you can't align the nation's chakras with negative cash flow. So, Williamson finally called it quits Friday.

From the Marianne2020 website:

Dear Friend,

I ran for president to help forge another direction for our country. I wanted to discuss things I felt needed to be discussed that otherwise were not. I feel that we have done that.

I stayed in the race to take advantage of every possible effort to share our message. With caucuses and primaries now about to begin, however, we will not be able to garner enough votes in the election to elevate our conversation any more than it is now. The primaries might be tightly contested among the top contenders, and I don't want to get in the way of a progressive candidate winning any of them.

As of today, therefore, I'm suspending my campaign.

"And nothing of value was lost."

Williamson's campaign was as dangerous as it was stupid. It was like eating a Slinky. She claimed she was running to bring a "moral and spiritual awakening" to America, because that's what it would take to fix "the patterns of our political dysfunction" -- that and more cowbell. Whenever she opened her mouth, she sounded like she was trying to sell us shrooms. Yet, there was a disturbing moment after the first presidential debate when people almost took seriously this total flake with no relevant experience or skillset. Sure, she was supportive of reparations but she also proposed "harnessing love" to defeat Donald Trump. And she was one of the first candidates to not-so-subtly criticize Elizabeth Warren for daring to have "plans" more complex than the contents of a fortune cookie.

WILLIAMSON: It's really nice if we've got all these plans, but if you think we're going to beat Donald Trump by just having all these plans, you've got another think coming. He didn't win by saying he had a plan. He won by simply saying 'Make America Great Again.'

Williamson wasn't the only candidate to knock Warren for doing her homework. Apparently, plans are just dumb or "unrealistic." Plans are even "arrogant." They think they're better than you. Too many candidates talk about "healing the nation" or "saving the country's soul," which is just more socially acceptable crystal-waving gibberish. The United States doesn't have a literal soul, but poor people have non-figurative hearts and would like to visit doctors. Williamson might be gone -- like, real gone -- but the reliance on feel-good "unity" rhetoric designed to appease conflict-averse suburbanites will unfortunately remain in the race.

Oprah Winfrey's manic pixie dream guru has a reported net worth of $1.5 million, but her lifestyle demands she move that decimal point a few steps to the right. However, Williamson's goopy campaign has successfully raised her national profile, which was probably the point all along. More people might buy her books or pay to hear her spout nonsense in public. Now, we just wait to see which lucky candidates don't receive her endorsement.

What's that? Do you hear it? Somebody's channeling the spirits and they say: OPEN THREAD.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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